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OT: Comic Relief

If your political tastes lean a little to the right, and you are slightly nuts, then you'll find this funny. Otherwise, you'll find this juvenille and in poor taste. Enjoy!! :)

America Is for Winners
An Editorial by Frank J.

Democrats have lost their way, lost their minds, and lost their balls, so it logically proceeds that they want to lose the war. What I don't understand is why do we have to put up with these losers? Yes, they were elected, but they were obviously elected by other losers and everyone whose opinion counts hates losers. As my dad used to say to me every time before the start of my little league games, "If you lose, I'll beat you until Child Welfare Services takes you away. I don't tolerate losers because America is for winners." His words are as true today as they were then, but it seems we now have a country more tolerant of losers. And who tolerates the losers? Other losers. Thus only one solution exists: Deport the losers.
"Thus only one solution exists: Deport the losers."

Rounding up losers and deporting them would technically be an easy feat since losers never put up much resistance (it's why they're losers). The problem is that, because of an erroneous interpretation of the Founding Fathers' intent, randomly deporting American citizens is considered unconstitutional. This would be easy to fix by making a new amendment to the Constitution that simply states "America is for winners." Then the Supreme Court would be forced to conclude that, since America is for winners, losers shouldn't be in America and must be deported.

This would be an easy amendment to pass since losers tend to think they're winners (even though it it obvious to actual winners that they are losers). When the amendment is passed, an Unwinner Activities Council would have to be formed to root out losers infiltrated into American society. The Council would be composed of winners like war heroes and football players (winning football players - and not from that gay European football). When losers are identified, they would be put into those big metal cargo crates and shipped to whatever country we hate the most so the losers can help that country lose wars. And, other countries would be forced to accept our losers because we're winners. You don't want to mess with winners.

When America is returned to being exclusively to winners, we can finally win all those wars and other stuff since there will no longer be anyone around saying, "Hey. Know what? We should lose." That's loser talk, and it won't be heard in America anymore unless that person wants to be deported. Then, full of only winners, America will be so great that all the world shall tremble at our might.

Because we're winners.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "Winners Would Buy This Book".


Mon. Jan 29, 4:23pm

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Great piece of satire. I hope everyone here realizes that's what it is.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007, 5:05 PM

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If you don't realize this is satire, you are a loser- and should be deported!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007, 6:01 PM

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