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I Am a Good Person, BUT My Personality SUCKS :(

I know that I have a good heart and good intentions, but when it comes down to it, I think I have a rather crappy personality.

I'm a bit self centered, judgemental, negative and I don't make friends easily.

I'm sort of shy and this comes off as being a snob. Honestly, I am a snob sometimes.

I really want to make meaningful friendships and be a better person.

Where on earth do I start?

Thu. Feb 1, 10:29am

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may i suggest that you begin by rewording the way you describe yourself? for example, you might start thinking about and describing yourself as going through a personal evaluation and taking notice of your behavior. (this instead of "self centered, judgemental". you may say that you are really focusing on how to better communicate with others, especially when it comes to expressing yourself. and that you see how sometimes people misread you, so you are going to try reaching out more to others. (instead of "negative and I don't make friends easily".) you might describe yourself as someone who, you've come to notice, is very particular about certain situations and would like to become more tolerant/accepting than you've been perceived as being in the past. (instead of "I'm sort of shy and this comes off as being a snob. Honestly, I am a snob sometimes. ") just a little switch up like changing the way talk to/about youself might make a big difference. you may also try describing yourself as if you were your own best friend-this may help you choose less harsh adjectives and find more positive ways to see yourself.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 10:53 AM

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Three ideas come to mind...
(1) If you have the money, a therapist who could teach you relationship skills and provide objective feedback would be ideal.
(2) Reading self-improvement books can help. Searching for "relationships" and reading buyer comments can guide you towards the best books for your concerns.
(3) "Try on" various personalities here in this anonymous forum. As you try various ways of communicating, you'll get invaluable feedback as to how you're coming across. Being anonymous, you're not locked into any mistakes you've made -- just take a breather and try again.

Good luck! I think that relationship and personality improvement is a work-in-progress for all of us!

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 11:01 AM

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op, I thought you were describing me! I'm the same way.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:17 PM

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Devil's advocate- why change? If people can't accept you for you, screw 'em.

We're all self-centered, judgemental and negative. We're all snobs sometimes.

Don't improve yourself for others- if you want to be a better person, be a better person for you.

And DON"T read self-improvement books. If you do, check 'em out from the library, don't waste your money. Self-improvement books are worse than fad diets and scientology.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:26 PM

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Any help/suggestions for me?

Wow, OP....I thought I was the only one out there that felt this way. Even though the last couple years I have grown a lot, I am still not where I should be. One of my New Years resolutions this year is to make some new friends, I really don't have any.....but how/where do you start when you are a 30-something with no children. I think because of my self-esteem issues, I have difficulty letting anyone know me or making friends.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:33 PM

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One common suggestion for overcoming negativity and depression, and I think it really works, is to write down three positive things that you brought about during the day. They could be transitory -- you made the secretary laugh. They could be huge -- you brought in a huge account at work.

Then write down three good things about the day. Yes, you could have had a terrible day. But on the way out to your car you saw a cardinal in the tree, and it was really close to you, and REALLY red! It helps you to become mindful of the tiny miracles surrounding us.

Personally, I don't always feel good about myself, and definitely not about my accomplishments. Someone can always find something wrong. So when I walk out of the house in the morning I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am going to be different from the people who can always find something wrong. I set myself the same task every day: I am going to find something to approve of in my friends and colleagues. Instead of taking for granted all the things they do right, I'm going to be sure to mention one or two.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:42 PM

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Jim Carrey attributes his success to self-improvement books, saying that Barnes & Noble named that aisle after him :)

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:44 PM

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OP here

Wow, I'm really glad that I'm not the only one and I'm also glad that I didn't get flamed for admitting that I think I suck sometimes.

I really appreciate the insight, especially from the 10:53 poster.

I don't want to change for other people, but for myself. I really feel like I'm missing out on life sometimes because I'm so focused on me and "oh my gosh, what do people think about ME". I want a richer life, with good friends and better ties with my family (we are very close, but lately I haven't made a lot of effort to let them know how much they mean to me).

Also, I'm newly married and I don't want my relationship to suffer or to bring my husband down.

I love these boards and I think I'll do what one poster suggested, try on some personalities :)

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:44 PM

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Huh...I gotta say a crappy book on daily Budhism thoughts helped me turn things around. I'm by no means a religous person but really tried to "see the other side" of how people can act/think. Positive thinking isn't always a gift-it can also be taught. Atleast you are aware of your suckie-ness and are willing to change. I am much happier now than I ever have been and it's just because I got this little, half-assed Bushism Book. Just a suggestion...

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 5:36 PM

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I'm recently married too. And, I probably match most of your character traits, except, I really like myself!

Being recently married is tough - all of a sudden, you have this default person to hang out with, and making actual plans to do things becomes less of a priority. I slipped into that, and found that I really thought I had no friends! Here's what I've done (but I'm still a work in progress):

I joined a chick lit book club, that I found on Craigslist. We meet once a month, and read chick lit, and drink wine and eat food and just talk. One of the girls that I met in this book club happens to work in the building next door to me; at the first meeting, I asked her if she wanted to grab lunch one day (which felt really weird to me!). Now we get lunch once every few weeks, and we go out socially on occasion.

I joined the junior board of a local non-profit theater company. My husband joined with me. We're meeting people through our meetings and activities there, and also giving to charity at the same time. Meeting people with common interests makes you feel included, and when you're in a situation where no one knows anyone, everyone tries to get to know each other! Doing it with a friend (in my case, my husband), may have made us less approachable, but it made me much more comfortable being there. I would've been sooo nervous to go by myself! (I'm shy also!) We're actually going out tomorrow night with a girl whom we met at our last board meeting, and her husband, for dinner and a play. Not bad!

Additionally, my husband and I have a tendency to turn down invitations if it's to do something with people we don't really know or think we don't like, or if it's inconvenient to get to. I decided one day that I'm done doing that. We go to pretty much everything we get invited to now (though we still wuss out sometimes b/c we're tired or the weather is crappy), and I started going to dinners that my sorority (the alumni living in my city) put together, even though I was never involved really in college. I never feel like going, and always want to cancel, but when I go there, I always have fun! A few nights ago, my husband was out of town, so I used that as an excuse to organize a fondue party with some of the girls from my sorority. There were 5 of us, a ton of food (and it takes a lot of prep/interaction), and a few bottles of wine. I had so much fun! It was like being back in college again!

Anyway, good luck! My advice is just to really put yourself out there! It's tough, because it's not something that you've probably ever had to do before - in school and college, friends were default - you saw them every day w/o having to make "plans." That's just not true anymore. But once you start doing it, it gets easier, I promise!

I'm certainly not cured yet, and every time there's an event of some sort, it still takes effort to get up and go, but really, I'm having a lot more fun now and I'm way happier! I was totally depressed when we first got married, felt lonely, missed having girlfriends, etc. And it's not something you can fix instantly. But, every bit helps!

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 5:51 PM

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