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I Am a Good Person, BUT My Personality SUCKS :(

I know that I have a good heart and good intentions, but when it comes down to it, I think I have a rather crappy personality.

I'm a bit self centered, judgemental, negative and I don't make friends easily.

I'm sort of shy and this comes off as being a snob. Honestly, I am a snob sometimes.

I really want to make meaningful friendships and be a better person.

Where on earth do I start?


Thu. Feb 1, 10:29am

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may i suggest that you begin by rewording the way you describe yourself? for example, you might start thinking about and describing yourself as going through a personal evaluation and taking notice of your behavior. (this instead of "self centered, judgemental". you may say that you are really focusing on how to better communicate with others, especially when it comes to expressing yourself. and that you see how sometimes people misread you, so you are going to try reaching out more to others. (instead of "negative and I don't make friends easily".) you might describe yourself as someone who, you've come to notice, is very particular about certain situations and would like to become more tolerant/accepting than you've been perceived as being in the past. (instead of "I'm sort of shy and this comes off as being a snob. Honestly, I am a snob sometimes. ") just a little switch up like changing the way talk to/about youself might make a big difference. you may also try describing yourself as if you were your own best friend-this may help you choose less harsh adjectives and find more positive ways to see yourself.


Thursday, February 01, 2007, 10:53 AM

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Three ideas come to mind...
(1) If you have the money, a therapist who could teach you relationship skills and provide objective feedback would be ideal.
(2) Reading self-improvement books can help. Searching Amazon.com for "relationships" and reading buyer comments can guide you towards the best books for your concerns.
(3) "Try on" various personalities here in this anonymous forum. As you try various ways of communicating, you'll get invaluable feedback as to how you're coming across. Being anonymous, you're not locked into any mistakes you've made -- just take a breather and try again.

Good luck! I think that relationship and personality improvement is a work-in-progress for all of us!

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 11:01 AM

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op, I thought you were describing me! I'm the same way.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:17 PM

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Devil's advocate- why change? If people can't accept you for you, screw 'em.

We're all self-centered, judgemental and negative. We're all snobs sometimes.

Don't improve yourself for others- if you want to be a better person, be a better person for you.

And DON"T read self-improvement books. If you do, check 'em out from the library, don't waste your money. Self-improvement books are worse than fad diets and scientology.


Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:26 PM

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Any help/suggestions for me?

Wow, OP....I thought I was the only one out there that felt this way. Even though the last couple years I have grown a lot, I am still not where I should be. One of my New Years resolutions this year is to make some new friends, I really don't have any.....but how/where do you start when you are a 30-something with no children. I think because of my self-esteem issues, I have difficulty letting anyone know me or making friends.



Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:33 PM

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One common suggestion for overcoming negativity and depression, and I think it really works, is to write down three positive things that you brought about during the day. They could be transitory -- you made the secretary laugh. They could be huge -- you brought in a huge account at work.

Then write down three good things about the day. Yes, you could have had a terrible day. But on the way out to your car you saw a cardinal in the tree, and it was really close to you, and REALLY red! It helps you to become mindful of the tiny miracles surrounding us.

Personally, I don't always feel good about myself, and definitely not about my accomplishments. Someone can always find something wrong. So when I walk out of the house in the morning I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am going to be different from the people who can always find something wrong. I set myself the same task every day: I am going to find something to approve of in my friends and colleagues. Instead of taking for granted all the things they do right, I'm going to be sure to mention one or two.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:42 PM

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Jim Carrey attributes his success to self-improvement books, saying that Barnes & Noble named that aisle after him :)

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:44 PM

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OP here

Wow, I'm really glad that I'm not the only one and I'm also glad that I didn't get flamed for admitting that I think I suck sometimes.

I really appreciate the insight, especially from the 10:53 poster.

I don't want to change for other people, but for myself. I really feel like I'm missing out on life sometimes because I'm so focused on me and "oh my gosh, what do people think about ME". I want a richer life, with good friends and better ties with my family (we are very close, but lately I haven't made a lot of effort to let them know how much they mean to me).

Also, I'm newly married and I don't want my relationship to suffer or to bring my husband down.

I love these boards and I think I'll do what one poster suggested, try on some personalities :)

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 1:44 PM

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Huh...I gotta say a crappy book on daily Budhism thoughts helped me turn things around. I'm by no means a religous person but really tried to "see the other side" of how people can act/think. Positive thinking isn't always a gift-it can also be taught. Atleast you are aware of your suckie-ness and are willing to change. I am much happier now than I ever have been and it's just because I got this little, half-assed Bushism Book. Just a suggestion...

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 5:36 PM

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I'm recently married too. And, I probably match most of your character traits, except, I really like myself!

Being recently married is tough - all of a sudden, you have this default person to hang out with, and making actual plans to do things becomes less of a priority. I slipped into that, and found that I really thought I had no friends! Here's what I've done (but I'm still a work in progress):

I joined a chick lit book club, that I found on Craigslist. We meet once a month, and read chick lit, and drink wine and eat food and just talk. One of the girls that I met in this book club happens to work in the building next door to me; at the first meeting, I asked her if she wanted to grab lunch one day (which felt really weird to me!). Now we get lunch once every few weeks, and we go out socially on occasion.

I joined the junior board of a local non-profit theater company. My husband joined with me. We're meeting people through our meetings and activities there, and also giving to charity at the same time. Meeting people with common interests makes you feel included, and when you're in a situation where no one knows anyone, everyone tries to get to know each other! Doing it with a friend (in my case, my husband), may have made us less approachable, but it made me much more comfortable being there. I would've been sooo nervous to go by myself! (I'm shy also!) We're actually going out tomorrow night with a girl whom we met at our last board meeting, and her husband, for dinner and a play. Not bad!

Additionally, my husband and I have a tendency to turn down invitations if it's to do something with people we don't really know or think we don't like, or if it's inconvenient to get to. I decided one day that I'm done doing that. We go to pretty much everything we get invited to now (though we still wuss out sometimes b/c we're tired or the weather is crappy), and I started going to dinners that my sorority (the alumni living in my city) put together, even though I was never involved really in college. I never feel like going, and always want to cancel, but when I go there, I always have fun! A few nights ago, my husband was out of town, so I used that as an excuse to organize a fondue party with some of the girls from my sorority. There were 5 of us, a ton of food (and it takes a lot of prep/interaction), and a few bottles of wine. I had so much fun! It was like being back in college again!

Anyway, good luck! My advice is just to really put yourself out there! It's tough, because it's not something that you've probably ever had to do before - in school and college, friends were default - you saw them every day w/o having to make "plans." That's just not true anymore. But once you start doing it, it gets easier, I promise!

I'm certainly not cured yet, and every time there's an event of some sort, it still takes effort to get up and go, but really, I'm having a lot more fun now and I'm way happier! I was totally depressed when we first got married, felt lonely, missed having girlfriends, etc. And it's not something you can fix instantly. But, every bit helps!

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 5:51 PM

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I think that the best thing that you could do would be to take the focus off of yourself. Try volunteering in your local community. Nothing makes you feel better than giving of yourself and your time. The old adage "you only get what you give" is so true. Really evaluate if you are truely in this world to be a giver or a taker. I know it sounds corny, but everytime I need a pick-me-up, this works. There are so many things to be thankful for. You may not think your personality is that kickin, you might be in a winter rut.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 8:42 PM

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is it this winter weather...?

I am ordinarily a very happy, very upbeat person, but lately I'm just crabby, moody, mean, and generally angry. And I can't dig myself out of this hole I've created.
I think the self-help book might be the way to go. I've tried therapy, but I found the experience to be lacking. I don't have a ton of money do "trial & error" to seek out the best therapist. I should just go browse the book store - or library, I guess - but these are issues I will be trying to work on:
- stop yelling at the kids
- stress less, relax more (mentally & physically)
- hate myself less when I screw up

Any suggestions for books?



Friday, February 02, 2007, 1:57 PM

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I would suggest "acting" like the person you wish to be. So, it's kind of fake at first...saying hi to strangers, smiling at everyone, forcing yourself to be happy and accepting. Eventually it becomes real.

You're allowed to be moody and mean once in a while. It's nature. Try to make other people happy and, in turn, you will make yourself happy, too.

Good luck OP!

BTW..I love self-help books. They help you gain new perspectives on life.

Friday, February 02, 2007, 3:40 PM

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Haha, I like the last comment! My MIL always used to say, "Fake it 'til you make it!" meaning, act like you're happy/not annoyed/etc., and eventually, it'll be true.

Friday, February 02, 2007, 4:05 PM

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Regarding a book recommendation...
The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns is very well-regarded in professional circles. I've used it personally. It's got lots of exercises and worksheets to help you improve your daily mood, stress levels, and relationship skills. I've owned a copy for many years now and still use some of the worksheets from time to time.

Friday, February 02, 2007, 6:43 PM

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there some great guided imaginary CD’s by Belleruth Naparstek...they help to relax you and she's got CD’s on a lot of topics….anything from depression, relieving stress, weight loss, easing pain to having successful relationships....this mediating CD's have helped me tremendously... here's her website

www.healthjourneys.com


Friday, February 02, 2007, 6:52 PM

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feb 1st 1:26 if the op wants to have more meaningful relationships and believes this doesn't happen because of his/her personality then they should try to change. That is what they want. Ultimately you can't be a judgemental, negative, self-centered snob and expect people to enjoy being around you. Most people don't want to be around others who have a bad attitude or end up making them feel bad. I think your advice sucks. The OP is asking questions on what they can do. I do agree that self help books aren't the answer. I think just being aware of how you act towards others or the way you come off is enough, do tiny things to alter this. Maybe start by just saying hello to people more often, give a smile. Take small steps that you already know what you need to do and work on one little thing for a long time, until you feel natural at it and then incorporate another thing.

Friday, February 02, 2007, 11:08 PM

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Number one rule of thumb I think we all forget

TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED

Friday, February 02, 2007, 11:10 PM

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that rule of thumb only works if other people act like you do.

Saturday, February 03, 2007, 9:22 AM

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Full Catastrophe Living

Try reading Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Saturday, February 03, 2007, 9:27 AM

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judging myself

I know that I get all fouled up when I try judge myself by what I percieve in others. Like...she's so nice. I'm not that nice. Therefore, I must suck.

A good friend of mine has cautioned me...
Never judge your insides, by other people's outsides.

This could be a really cool beginning of getting to really know yourself. It's all a journey. (not to sound too new age). Hope you can find parts of it to enjoy.

Saturday, February 03, 2007, 1:35 PM

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weird! just minutes ago i read a new comment on this thread. now it has been deleted. what's up with that?

Monday, February 05, 2007, 4:41 PM

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Treat others as you would like to be treated,

Duh, other people don't have to act like you. Would you like to be treated like crap? Do you walk around treating others like crap?

Monday, February 05, 2007, 8:27 PM

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I don't think the FEELING GOOD author's last name is Burns. I could be wrong and am too lazy at the moment to look up what it is, but just wanted to note that in case someone goes looking for it, go by the title.

Monday, February 05, 2007, 10:02 PM

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I was wrong! It is indeed Burns. Carry on...

Monday, February 05, 2007, 10:13 PM

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to 2/5, 827pm

do you want to be ridiculed? do you want to be belittled for sharing an opinion? duh. when someone shows you no respect, do you shower them with affection? i certainly don't. i go into a situation with good intentions and love for all, but if i am slighted, i do not continue to allow myself to be berated or insulted or treated inappropriately on purpose. i may not start a riot over something, and i may just ignore a situation, but if someone treats me "like crap", i am certainly not going to extend myself to that person again. i am capable of forgiveness, but, like respect, it must be earned.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007, 8:54 AM

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To the above poster, 8:54 am. You're a beyotch.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007, 9:47 AM

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to 8:54...I agree with you!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007, 10:20 AM

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question for the OP:

how old are you? are you facing any major changes that you are aware of? has this topic bothered you for a while, or has it just crept up?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007, 12:15 PM

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I have always felt like there was so much i wanted to change about my personality I think i am too shy, too nice but also felt too judgemental and negative, also, and dont think i have good social skills as far as hanging out with my peers. there are a lot of insecurities there probably.

i always want to improve...

But my boyfriend has told me im selfish, and also resents that i am tired all the time and thinks i always just want what i want. i disagree of course.

i started talkting to a counselor about this (and some other stuff). so far she said i have to accept myself first for who i am, even if it is a selfish, lazy person...then...i can work on changing (for myself of course) not just to please my boyfriend but for me.

but i have to accept myself first and be comfortable with me, flaws and all...its hard but i will have to try it...now MY question is - how do i break that to my boyfriend? isnt he going to think im more selfish?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007, 1:00 PM

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I think the question you should be asking is "how should I break UP with my boyfriend." I wouldn't want to be with anyone who called me selfish for expressing my needs.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007, 1:30 PM

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ditto, 100%

Tuesday, February 06, 2007, 1:39 PM

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hahaha OP sucks to be you

Wednesday, February 07, 2007, 2:28 AM

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congrats to the OP for recognizing that there are some traits she/he would like to change in order to improve her/his relationships!! the fact that you are paying attention to your behavior and the reactions of those around you is an indication that you are actually changing already! be kind to yourself!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007, 9:56 AM

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Personality Crisis !!

HIi all.
Its pretty late and im about to go to bed; ive read the comments on this board and was wondering if i could reach out and get some advice...

im 19 years old and have been having personal conflict within myself..
When i was young up til 15 ive had no problems with anything in life.
i was very popular and had so many friends, i was the happiest person in the world. but ever since then ive been struggling in life..
Im not sure if its just apart of growing up but its been a good 4 years since then and life has gotten tough due to my personality..
I blame my personality because during my senior years at school i went through a huge change and found it hard to get along with my peers and everyone. People just stop liking me and stop noticing and respecting me like they use to. i think its because i use to be very sporty and now not so much..
My only conclusion is that i need help with my personality.. i dont know what to do. i try being nice but only end up making my self look like a fool. i have really bad timing when it comes to it...
ive never been an attention seeker but ive really miss getting attention like i use to, i feel like im all alone..
my love life is completely stone cold.. my last girlfriend was 1 and 1/2 years ago and have been trying to get back on my feet every since but couldnt...
Ive never asked for help before because i was too proud but im screaming out for help now.. im sick of being alone and feeling stuck!!

Please.. if anyone has some advice for me id much apreciate it.

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 9:18 AM

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Personality crisis

HIi all.
Its pretty late and im about to go to bed; ive read the comments on this board and was wondering if i could reach out and get some advice...

im 19 years old and have been having personal conflict within myself..
When i was young up til 15 ive had no problems with anything in life.
i was very popular and had so many friends, i was the happiest person in the world. but ever since then ive been struggling in life..
Im not sure if its just apart of growing up but its been a good 4 years since then and life has gotten tough due to my personality..
I blame my personality because during my senior years at school i went through a huge change and found it hard to get along with my peers and everyone. People just stop liking me and stop noticing and respecting me like they use to. i think its because i use to be very sporty and now not so much..
My only conclusion is that i need help with my personality.. i dont know what to do. i try being nice but only end up making my self look like a fool. i have really bad timing when it comes to it...
ive never been an attention seeker but ive really miss getting attention like i use to, i feel like im all alone..
my love life is completely stone cold.. my last girlfriend was 1 and 1/2 years ago and have been trying to get back on my feet every since but couldnt...
Ive never asked for help before because i was too proud but im screaming out for help now.. im sick of being alone and feeling stuck!!

Please.. if anyone has some advice for me id much apreciate it.

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 9:18 AM

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I'm not sure where you live , but I would recommend checking out local community counseling services. It sounds like you might be battling with some depression issues. If you are in school , your school counseling should have info about either free or very low cost counseling that should be available in your area. I started to have really bad problems with depression in my teen years, which I ignored and tried to just live with. Well, it took a really bad break up when I was in my late 20's to finally get me into seeking some therapy. I was so depressed & thought it was all to do about my break up. Well, I now look back at that situation and realize in a strange way it was the best thing that could of happened to me. I would of never have gone into therapy and got help for my depression problems. I don't even think I realized to what extent my depression ruled my life and kept me stuck in a rut.
Also, you didn't mention if you were male or female. I'm a gay female and I really think my inner turmoil about not being able to be open about this when I was a teen also added to my depression. I've now come to realize , it's hard to love other people when you don't love yourself. I have always had a very difficult time expressing anger ( I grew up in a chaotic & angry household and learned to be very scared of anger ! )and I also think when I'm angry I tend to turn it inwards and instead feel depressed. This is also another issue that therapy has made me realize. Anyway, best of luck to you. I wish you the best :)

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 10:29 AM

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You are just fine

I would have described myself that way at one point. I am very reserved when meeting new people. I have such a hard time opening up. Of course this affects my ability to make new friends. Those people that put up with me, mainly family, know what a great friend I am. I am very truthful, caring, giving and protective of those that I hold dear. No one can be that way about everyone or they would be false. I prefer small groups of friends that are very close knit. If I can't have that I tend not to want to socialize at all. In the past I would force myself to socialize with people that I didn't click with & that always led tension for me. Know yourself & love yourself just the way you are. It would be great to be a social butterfly, but It's great having a few friends that you can connect with on a deep level.

Monday, May 21, 2007, 11:11 AM

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read "The Secret"

Monday, May 21, 2007, 2:29 PM

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Everyone makes mistakes. It takes alot to admitt you are doing something wrong, I just wrote a list of things I would like to work on last night. I use the Bible and make an effort every day, God knows my heart and my flaws and is a great coach when I feel like giving up.

Monday, May 21, 2007, 6:01 PM

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"Compassion and Self-Hate" by Theodore Rubin has been around a long time but I still think it is one of the best resources out there for working on self-esteem. It really helped me.

Friday, May 25, 2007, 12:11 AM

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To the OP

I'm right there with you! I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet, and the worst person you wiill ever know!

Friday, May 25, 2007, 12:19 AM

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There is a new song playing on the radio by John Waller that is a good reminder for me everyday. It says "choose to be a blessing." I can choose each day and each moment how I am going to treat everyone I meet.

Friday, May 25, 2007, 10:23 AM

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Here is something I was given at a meeting last night, thought I would share it here:

Dreams are Seeds

If you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
If you plant pride, you will reap destruction
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble
If you plant perserverance, you will reap victory
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation
If you plant hard work, you will reap success
If you plant greed, you will reap loss
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt
If you plant living by example, you will reap others to follow.

I found a few of these to be eye opening and they made me think about myself and how I treat others. I hope it helps others the way it helped me.
I have a problem sometimes being short tempered and being nice.
I also have a problem with being selfish at times, I like to do things by myself because I want to do what I want to do...

Have a Great Day!
Enjoy...

Friday, May 25, 2007, 12:36 PM

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I think you should be proud of yourself for just admitting your flaws. Many people really DO suck and would never admit it to themselves or anyone else. In fact, they have no clue - which makes them suck even more. If you are willing to take a good look at yourself and want to CHANGE yourself, then you are more then halfway there to becoming a better person!!

Friday, May 25, 2007, 1:57 PM

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i'm really nice,but i keep changing! :S

i'm a really good person and no one see's that.all they is me "changing" constantly.i try not to change but i'm going through a terrible stage right now where i bottle all my feeling's and i dont know how to act or say or do anymore.


:(

Link

Thursday, November 08, 2007, 1:04 PM

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I went to a psychologist for a while and one of the best things he had me do was to write a list of good things about myself and repeat them to myslef like a mantra when I was feeling really down.

I agree with the act it until you feel it idea. when I am pissy I make myself smile. then I make myself think about something to be smiling about.
your brain actually forms paths to different thoughts. the more a path is used the more quickly and easily it will be used again- so strengthen your posistive neuro-paths and see a difference over time.

Thursday, November 08, 2007, 2:40 PM

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Read the book " the four agreements", it changes the way you look at yourself and how you respond to others.

Thursday, November 08, 2007, 2:56 PM

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2:29- the secret is very bs'ey. I would recommend 7 habits and specifically really learn to seek to understand.

If you work on that one issue you'll really have an easy time with people. As long as you are genuinely interested in seeing what makes someone else tick, you'll do great.

Friday, October 01, 2010, 11:42 AM

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Personality

I am 23yrs old boy. My height is 5'11", weight 65, but my dressup not good. What type of dressup suitable for me?

Link

Sunday, March 24, 2013, 2:30 PM

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Hi there- I relate to the original (and other) posters totally. One helpful thing, especially if the 10:54 poster's comments were helpful to you, is a thing on youtube I found by Daniel Amen called "ANT therapy"...ant is for automatic negative thought - it's basically changing the way you talk to yourself. I think this is helpful for negativity and mild depression but not severe depression.Also, what other people posted about forcing yourself to get out more....i need to take this advice myself. good luck to everyone.:)

Tuesday, March 26, 2013, 3:53 PM

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how about going to church and finding peace with yourself!

Thursday, March 28, 2013, 12:06 PM

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