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OT: Ending an 8 year marriage

When my husband and I first got married everything was dreamy. Then I found out he cheated on me not once, not twice, but 3 times!!!!! We got therapy and began working on our issues as individuals, and as a couple.
This was 5 years ago.
Then last Spring I found out he started an online relationship with some woman. He told me he cut it off, but I have had my doubts. Now my doubts are stronger than ever, but I have no way to prove it. I don't have access to his voicemail or e-mail or anything, and when I have asked him about it, he denies it (of course).
We don't have any kids but have discussed trying. I don't want to bring kids into our marriage only to have it fall apart.
How can I find out for sure if he's cheating, if he won't 'fess up? And my gut feelings have been all over the place, so I don't know what or how to feel.
Help


Thu. Feb 1, 5:38pm

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Ouch :(

Even though I don't know you personally, I sincerely hurt for you.

I haven't been cheated on that I know of, but I have had plenty of suspicions myself. I think my issue is more of an insecurity thing though. I am a firm believer of female intuition and trusting it. Now is it always right, heck no, but the times that it is, I think it's usually over something important.

Kids. I wouldn't even put thought into children yet. Figure out your marriage, what you are going to do. Your subject says "ending", yet you conclude your post with wanting to know how to find out if he's cheating. If the marriage is over, what does it matter? (I know it plays a role in your compensation if divorced, blah blah blah).

As for having a mature conversation with your husband to get to the bottom of his behavior and have him fess up. GOOD LUCK on that. I'm married, love and trust my husband, think highly of him, BUT men are boys sometimes, especially when confronted, even if it's non threatening.

Some silly things you can do, however, to decipher his behavior:

I've researched how to spot a liar, the verbal ticks, the physical things people do when they lie and I watch my husband (and most people) very closely. I just saw on Oprah, people will be lied to every 5 minutes on average. I really don't fully trust anyone. That's just one thing. Now when my husband does lie to me, sometimes I call him out on it, other times I let it slide, but I do tease him a lot about his multiple little white lies.

I hope you can save your marriage, but remember it will take the two of you, if he has no interest or can't fully commit to saving the marriage, MOVE ON, you dear deserve WAY BETTER.

:::Hugs:::

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 5:51 PM

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i know it seems extreme, but could you hire a private investigator? i think the point the above poster made about it being an insecurity thing with her might be a valid one in this situation. i'd want to know whether my suspicions were founded in truth or an emotional scar of past betrayals. and in terms of ethics, the fact that he has himself admitted to multiple affairs i think justifies the means.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 6:02 PM

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Well, I gotta say as someone who was in your EXACT position one year 7 months ago I have some advice for you.
Do not for any reason think about children until you are absolutely certain that this is the MAN OF YOUR DREAMS. I cannot stress this enough. After the online relationsip that my husband was having for 8 months with some woman who lived in the city (about 20 mins from our home) I left him and started the seperation/divorce process. I didn't know the details about their relationship-it didn't matter. He was having a relationship with ANOTHER woman and I was not going to stand for it anymore. I didn't care if had never even met this woman, he should not have been talking to her at all. With his history he was in no place to disrespect me or even allow me to have any doubt.He had cheated on me three times in the past and this was the absolute last straw. Before the online relationship started I had trust issues (of course) and we went to therapy to work on those. We had what we dubbed "a fresh start" and continued on rebuilding what his infidelity had destroyed. I was blind to it...I guess I was convinced I had the "Perfect Guy" and that we were going to get thru the bad times and that I, being a strong and independant woman could see through his wrong-doings even though he blatenly disrespected me and eventually I found a way to forgive him.
Three weeks after I left him I found out I was pregnant...with his child. I now have a 19 month old son who does not have a father.
I tell you, I've never been happier.
If you can't honestly say to yourself that you live a completely fulfilled and healthy life with your husband then you need to revaluate what your doing. He is supposed to be your night in shinning armor. If you have doubts about his commitmemt to you and he won't take you seriously, knowing what he's done in the past to you...it's time to reconsider your needs and what is going to make you totally happy. This is your life and the men in our life are supposed to compliment us, help us grow and support us in being as strong and happy as we can possibly be. Your gut feelings are to be taken seriously and if he's not willing to let you listen to his voice mails or check out your emails -together as a couple-to prove this to you then what are you wasting your time for? If it turns out he has been unfaithful then Yes. Your marriage will fall apart and Yes it's going to be the worst thing that could ever happen to you but...it could also be the best thing that's ever happened to you. Respect is something you owe yourself and especially from the one's you love. Take a deep breath and sit him down and ask him point-blank what the deal is. Have a calm conversation about how your feelings and what your thinking. If he is still not willing to talk-have a talk with yourself and figure out your plan.
I now have a boyfriend who is 12 years younger than myself and ADORES me. We have been together for 9 months and I have NEVER been happier. He is the MAN OF MY DREAMS and treats me like I should be treated-with complete and total respect.I work full-time, something I never had to do before I left my ex-husband, I shuffle day care and doctor's appts. I change diapers everyday and guess what? I wouldn't have it any other way.
After the divorce my son's father/my ex-husband has dropped off the face of the earth...he had never even seen his son. When we were together we had talked about having children, frightening if I think about it long enough.
I am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been in my adult life and all it took was respect.
Go with your gut, and make yourself happy again no matter what or who gets in your way. You deserve the best and it's time you remember that.
Love to you and stay strong during this journey.



Thursday, February 01, 2007, 6:45 PM

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There are inexpensive gadgets/programs you can get - I only know this because my dad "bugged" my mom, and there was no extra money going around. He managed to record conversations on their home phone (horrifying, because my mom would tell me how unhappy she was and how much she wanted to leave, and he heard me encouraging her to do just that...so be careful with this one, you'll hear things you never meant to) and - here's a fun one - there is software you can buy that records every single keystroke made on your keyboard. I imagine it's classified as spyware. Also, you may not have access to his voicemail, but I reckon you get cell phone bills with call logs, so google the numbers, or do a reverse directory search. And follow your nose, literally - if he comes home "late from work" but smells freshly showered, that's a pretty big clue.

I also had an aunt use a private investigator when things went south with her husband of 20+ years. The information provided by the investigator ultimately got her everything she wanted in the settlement.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 6:54 PM

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(I am the 6:45 poster with the long winded posting.)
Just in case you are wondering I am 39 years old and was married for 9 years. I am a Nurse Practioner and realize now that marriage is not the only way to feel "complete" with your partner.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 7:07 PM

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Do you really need a private investigator or gadgets? Listen, if you can't find out this info on your own with the man you have taken vows with and sleep next to every night then get the hell out of there. You are married to this man and if he's not willing to help you feel content with what he's telling you is supposedly the truth then why are doing this to yourself? You deserve far more than what he is giving you. Screw the fancy gadgets, if you feel you can't get the truth through conversation then pack your stuff and find someone who will be honest with you.

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 7:12 PM

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To the OP--
Do NOT start a "family" if there is this much strife in your marriage--- What may happen down the road is that you will end up feeling "trapped" and "unable" to get away if the marriage finally sours.... I have 2 friends who have 3 and 4 kids respectively and for some reason, thought that having children might save the marriage (it did not and will not... 1 gal hasn't filed for divorce yet, but because of the crazy spending habits of her hubby (i.e. he makes HER spend all the money on the kids, but won't spend his salary), she is virtually bankrupt and trapped in a loveless marriage. (He has not cheated (as far as she can tell), but he has told her straight-out that he was no longer "her friend"....)

Another friend of mine considered having kids when her marriage was in jeopardy-- I convinced her to re-think that idea-- down the road, it turned out that her hubby used their business (internet service provider) to start a "side business" of "internet porn".... He had to "interview" women... and eventually ended up with a heroin problem-- She shudders to think of the mess that would have left her and a child, had they had one....

Having kids will not help the problem, if you have a cheating husband-- in fact, It may accelerate it....

I hope that you work out things for yourself--(i.e. trust issues, hurt from his previous infidelities) and find a path towards happiness... You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you....

Thursday, February 01, 2007, 11:39 PM

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I left my husband

Listen to your get and talk to the people you trust the most. Thats what I did and I am happy and with someone amazing

Friday, February 02, 2007, 2:46 AM

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My mother in law just got divorced from her husband of almost 40 years. He was having an affair for the last five years and she caught him.

This wasn't the first time, however. Just before they were married, he had cheated on her then as well.

God only knows how many more there might have been.

Once a cheater, without a true change of heart, always a cheater.

And don't even think of having kids with this man. It's been gut-wrenching to watch my wife deal with the pain of her dad's betrayal.

Friday, February 02, 2007, 8:13 AM

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I believe in women's intuition. My advice would be to examine your feelings carefully. Are you an unreasonably jealous person? What I mean is, unless you're one of those people who is suspicious no matter what, your gut is probably telling you the truth. And it just isn't worth it. As hard as it may be, I would walk away. Self-respect is so important, and your marriage is only undermining that.

Good luck and best wishes.

Friday, February 02, 2007, 8:35 AM

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