Are you close with your family?

I'm not. I know a lot of people are, especially my friends. I feel like every time I meet a guy it's a knock against me because everyone is looking for someone who is close to their family as a measure of success of a wife for the long term. I'm bummed about it, but what can I do?

Thu. Feb 8, 1:36pm

I'm not. My family is crazy. I keep in contact with them, but I wouldn't say we are close. I know for me, the more distance I have kept, the happier and healthier I am. You haven't found the right guy yet.

Thursday, February 8, 2007, 1:40 PM

I'm very close to my family, especially my mom. She did an incredible job raising us since my dad is very off. I love my dad, but we will never be close. His life is the church. My brothers and I are fairly close; my oldest brother is very conservative and family oriented, which is wonderful. My next older brother is very shy and private, but we are super close. My youngest brother is very outgoing. We're close as well.
I'm very lucky, I guess. I have many of my dad's mental traits, and I like to keep to myself, but at the same time, I've got some of my mom's outgoingness.
Beth

Thursday, February 8, 2007, 2:20 PM

2:20 person again-my husband isn't overly close to his family, but he had a different childhood. His dad was a little physically and mentally abusive. While my dad never really talked to me, he was never physically or mentally abusive. However, I am not an overly expressive person, either mentally or physically. That does bother my husband.
Beth

Thursday, February 8, 2007, 2:22 PM

My parents died (seperately) when I was a child. There wasn't really much left after that as my sister and I raised ourselves. She and I don't have much in common, but we get along. I do not live in the country of my birth and so haven't seen her in years. I agree. This puts me in an awkward place when I meet someone. "What do your parents do?" "Oh, they're dead." Is usually a conversation killer. But I just don't think I should have to make something up (done that before too). I can't help it if it makes people uncomfortable. That's nothing to the effect it's had on me, I assure you. Also awkward to be around friends and their families. I avoid it whenever possible. I function well enough in society and am contented until, however unintentionally, it gets shoved in my face how things coulda/shoulda/woulda been.

But I don't think not being close to your family is an indictment on someone as a person. It's a crap shoot who we wind up with in this crazy world, and sometimes it's just not that great of a match. I would say, however, not to hold grudges over petty things though. Trust me, you never know when they won't be there anymore.

Thursday, February 8, 2007, 2:32 PM

I'd say that I'm "close enough" with my family, or at least as close as I want to be. I've been around super-close families, and the degree of obligation is overwhelming - they suck up your weekends with housepainting and poker and some nephew's 7th birthday party. I like that we're all geographically too far apart to expect that sort of thing, so that when we're together, we really enjoy it.

One of my least favorite things about being married was spending every damn Sunday on his parents' couch secretly glowering at everyone fulfilling their Leave-it-to-Beaver roles. It made me itch.

Thursday, February 8, 2007, 2:34 PM

I'm pretty close to my parents and siblings (but we have our own lives and don't live in each other's back pockets) however my husband is not. I initially felt bad that he didn't have this close, loving relationship with them until I spend more time around them and now I can't believe that they're related! It is definitely for the best and I am fully understanding and supportive of his very healthy decision to not be so close to them. As his siblings have moved out and become adults on their own, he has been able to form some closer relationships with some of them which has been welcome.

Thursday, February 8, 2007, 2:49 PM

because i moved out immediately after high school and never really let my family into my "adult life", when i am around them again, they treat me like i'm still the high schooler they remember. i see them a lot, now, too. but it doesn't bother me. in fact, i had that epiphany while reading this earlier and hadn't really thought about it before then.

Thursday, February 8, 2007, 3:26 PM

I'm very close with my family though I don't see them nearly as often as I'd like to. I'm also close with my husbands family as he is with mine. I have a good friend, however, that is not close to her family at all, for good reasons. She hates having to tell guys that she's getting to know about her family situation. The thing that she can't see though is that none of them care. I mean they care, but it doesn't bother them or put them off. She's a great girl and the people she meets are interested in her for who she is, not nescessarilly where she came from. Most of the time she is nervous about nothing. People like her for her.

Thursday, February 8, 2007, 5:45 PM

I'm not and it didn't matter to my husband at all. A guy marries you for who you are, and if he's marrying you for your family, he's not the right guy.

Sunday, February 11, 2007, 8:15 PM

I'm a guy, and it really didn't bother me that when we met, my wife wasn't very close to her family. It certainly didn't make me think that she'd be a bad wife...

Heck, the only way I stay close to my family is by living 400 miles from them.

Monday, February 12, 2007, 11:48 AM

i'm close to some members of my family and not to others-i talk to some of my sisters through email almost everyday and we see each other about once a month, but we don't call each other, and i see/talk to my dad and one of my other sisters about 3 times a year.

my boyfriend on the other hand is extremely close to his family and let me tell you, while at first i thought it was sweet that he did so much for them, and was so sensitive to their needs, as our relationship grew, it actually began to bother me! (his family isn't close because of a normal affection for each other, he is close to them because they are completely disfunctional and require his intervention on a regular basis just to function) be careful what you wish for! being "close" to one's family isn't always a good thing! please don't feel bad for not being close to your own. there are many many more things to look for in finding a partner, their family is just one part.

Monday, February 12, 2007, 2:09 PM

I am very close with my family, and it actually caused problems with my husband, and former boyfriends before! I have somewhat of a "friendship" with both of my parents, as in, we really enjoy spending time together, going to restaurants, shows, shopping, etc. Just hanging out. Many of my past boyfriends, and now my huband, did not have relationships like that with their parents, and did not understand mine. While they didn't have bad relationships, they could not understand why I can easily talk on the phone with my mom for an hour a day (I don't do this anymore, but, I easily could), and why I like to visit them often, or have them visit us (they live an hour and a half away). It was the source of endless arguments!

Anyway, in short, whether your relationship with your family is particularly good or particularly bad, it can cause issues in a relationship with a man (or woman). Just take things slowly, and people will learn to love you for you, not for your family, etc.

Monday, February 12, 2007, 3:18 PM

My parents and I are the closest we've ever been and it's because I live 2 hours away. There isn't much time for the petty stuff when you only see each other every 6 weeks or so. My 2 brothers and sister are home with them and I love them all very much. None of our extended family live nearby. We see some of our extended family once or twice per year and we all get along and love each other very much (I believe the distance helps here, as well. We all have strong personalities).

Hubby's family is overwhellming. His immediate family is very close, but his parents try to do everything for us (I was raised to be very independent so this can be annoying). They are all wonderful, but can only be taken in small doses. His mother has 11 brothers and sisters and they all have SO's and children (and some of them have children). This is why we can't live close to home. Too close, and they would expect us to go to all of the birthday parties, family gatherings, and the like (this would take up every weekend). My husband is on my side. He is overwhelmed with his family as well. We love them all, but we don't want to be around them ALL the time.

You'll find a man that loves you for who you are and not the relationship you have with your family.

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