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Bf and I have been together 2 years. We live in seperate apartments and are planning to move in together in April. He has two kids from a previous marriage which he has custody of every other weekend. This past weekend we had an arguement about me wanting to spend time with him, he wanting to go golfing. I let it go and he went golfing around 2pm. I tried calling him 7pm, 8:30pm and 10pm. All with no answer. At 11pm I get a call from him that he just got out of church, his sister in law was having a gospel CD release party. I asked him if they had just got out because 7-11 at a chuch party was a long time. His answer was yes. So fast forward to today. I go over to his apartment to see him for valentines. He has a card set out for me and right next to it is a peice of paper which I looked at. It was a receipt from a restaurant on the night I couldn't get ahold of him. The receipt is for 2 adults and 2 children. I ask him if he went with anyone to the CD release party. He says no. I ask him if he had dinner that night. He says no. I tell him there is a receipt next to my card on the table that says he did. He says oh yeah, my whole family went. I said who did you pay for? He says his grandma. I say what about the kids meals on the receipt? He says they must have put someone elses kids food on his receipt. Am I just being untrusting or does it look to you like I am getting the run around. I was really in a place where I felt like I could trust this guy but this just seems fishy to me. I ended up walking away today (Valentines day, of course) feeling very lied to.

Wed. Feb 14, 3:14pm

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Sounds fishy to me. I would be on high alert if I were you. I am kind of sneaky, so I wouldn't let him know that you are very suspicious, beucase if he was doing something fishy, he would most likely cover his tracks better. Let him think that you believe him, so he will act normal and you can be extra aware of what he is doing.
Good luck, keep us posted!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 3:19 PM

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fishy is as fishy does. i wouldn't go sneaking around trying to catch him in a lie unless that is how you want to confront/address all future issues you may experience together. if you care enough about this guy to move in with him, you should care enough to be truthful, even if you suspect he is not. or break up with him and tell him you don't trust him. you can set an example to him for how to communicate with each other rather than carrying on behind each other's backs with some other, secret agenda.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 3:33 PM

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He lied to you. Does anything else matter? The trust is gone and something is going on or he wouldn't have lied to you. What else needs to be discussed?

"They must have put someone elses kids food on his receipt" is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. To prempt all of the people that are going to excuse his behavior, yes, I know that does happen occassionaly in restaurants but at this point there's so much back pedalling going on that it can't be a coincidence.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 3:52 PM

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Definitley don't move in with him. His children should be his priority right now and it is too bad he has to lie to you to be able to spend time with them. It is wrong for him to lie, but maybe he is feeling overwhelemed like he cannot fit everything in. You are lucky this happened before you moved in with him. Find someone to date who doesn't have kids.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 3:53 PM

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352, i'm with you. who doesn't speak up if extra charges were added to the bill? i think he went out w/ the exwife and the kids.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 3:54 PM

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Yup, he's lying through his teeth. Sounds an awful lot like he spent the evening with his ex-wife and kids. Do you know if he's the type to do anything for a little more time with his kids, including taking them to dinner with their mother? Do you historically have issues with him spending time with his ex-wife (not judging - just trying to think why he might lie)? Do you have reasons other than this one incident to worry that he might want to get back together with her, or vice versa? Just a few points to think about before moving in together.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 3:59 PM

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you said you asked him if he had dinner and he said NO??? but then he said he did?? thats a flat out lie to your face...not to be trusted..

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 4:03 PM

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his whole family went but you were not invited??

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 4:04 PM

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He's OBVIOUSLY lying to you, I would confront him and DON'T move in with him!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 4:29 PM

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I see a lot of alarmists here. Guys only lie if they have to lie. I wrote about this on a different thread, the one called why do guys lie???? He must feel like he has to lie, that he'll get punished if he doesn't. Do you give him overwhelming grief for spending time with his children? Were the expectations of valentines day too much to bear? OP, think about your own behavior in this one. Don't be so quick to judge and say, that's it, he lied, I'm not moving in with him. Relationships, people, life....they're all complicated. Find a way to understand before taking action.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 4:45 PM

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To 4:45

I am so SICK of women behaving like doormats and making excuses when something so clearly NOT OK goes on in their relationships. Look, the bottom line here is that he lied. Whether or not he feels he has to lie is irrelevant because if he feels like he has to lie then he's in an unhealthy relationship and should either have a discussion about why he feels he needs to lie or he should break it off. It does not EXCUSE the fact that he lied directly to her face.

I'm so over women not standing up for themselves! What is this "Guys only lie if they have to lie" bs? Like it's her fault! (FYI - I'm not excusing it for women either)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 5:22 PM

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OP here...it is not about time with his kids. He did have his kids on the weekend in question from Friday night through Sunday morning when they went to church with their mother. I am very happy with him seeing his kids as it gives me time to be with friends, etc. If I am being honest with myself and not making excuses for him, he doesn't really invite me to anything with his family. He says its wierd because his family liked her so much. He hasn't given them the chance to like me. Yes, I would have an issue with him taking his ex-wife to dinner. I just see no reason for it especially when I am told nothing of it or lied to about it.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 5:34 PM

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no way, 4:45, not in every situation

4:45, no way. There are the completely inconsequential things, like having dinner at a bar (the other thread you refer to), and then there are the BIG LIES.

This man went out with his ex-wife and kids and is still lying about it.

There is no possible good construction to put on this: If he has any balls, he will be upfront about his need to visit with his children and proud of the fact he is doing so. Who wants to date a guy without balls?

OTOH, he could just be lying because it's the ex-wife he wanted to see -- in which case he has balls, but lacks anything else the OP would want in a committed relationship. And the fact that he left the receipt lying right next to your card? He's sending you a message, girl! And it's NOT "I love you."


Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 5:34 PM

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R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

He lied to you and that's all you need to know...I too am so sick and tired of we women making excuses for men's lies and their bullshit. You can ask him why he lied and listen to the whole shpeil but c'mon he's lying to your face and he knows it. It's disrespectful, he has two kids and you aren't living together-get out while you can. He may just not be ready for you yet...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 5:42 PM

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what kind of F&^%$'ed up statement is that....guys only lie cuz they have to??? i i bet they only cheat cuz they have to also??? there is NO reason to lie in a relationship EVER..and now the OP says he dosnt even invite her to things with his family.. i would not even see him again much less move in with the jerk..WOW the things some women let men get away with ruines it for the rest of us..kick his &^% to the curb. you deserve so much more

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 5:47 PM

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Wow. This sounds like a real doozie. If I were in your shoes I would be thinking, why on earth would he have left the receipt with my card next to it? I take it as an obvious sign that he doens't care if you know or not, as if he is just not ready to commit to you. Also, if he isn't open to taking you to family events or dinners then why are you hanging around? I think him saying,"my family liked my ex so much" is really him saying, "your not as good as my ex and I don't think your worth meeting my family." It's sad because you obviously care about him but I think it's time to get real with yourself and move on. Valentine's day or not, you absolutely deserve respect...I envy your honesty because three years into a relationship that I can't seem to admit is falling apart I wish I could face the facts...good luck.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 5:52 PM

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OP again

5:52, yes I am thinking I deserve better. The thing that really gets me is instead of trying to explain or saying sorry for not telling me about the dinner, lying, etc. He just gets mad at ME and hasn't called me all day. I am pretty sure he won't call me until I call him, which is immature. It's just, do you break off a two year relationship? I do love him but I just don't know. If you can't trust a person what do you have? Walking around wondering after this is just not going to work.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 6:34 PM

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sounds like he was having dinner with the ex wife and kids. if he is being a jerk to you now, he's just trying to rationalize in his mind for jerkign you around. i would not call him and see how long it takes to call you and what he has to say when he does. don't move in with him unless he comes clean about everything and has some reasonable explanation. good luck! i've been in your shoes.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 6:44 PM

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OP I am sorry you are going through this today.

However, I am on the side that there is NO excuse to lie, ever. Espeically not in a committed relationship where he supposedly loves you. It is his job to make you comfortable around his family and to make sure they think you are the great woman you are. If they are having doubts about you I would think it is because he is having doubts.
Second, why lie about a simple dinner with his grandma? There is no reason to lie about a dinner so I have to assume that isn't the truth.
I hope you find the strength to leave the realationship, and if not I hope you will at least not put up with anything like that ever again.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 6:47 PM

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If you feel it in your gut, then it's probably true.

You are about to move in with him and he doesn't invite you to family functions?

He is obviously lying and testing you to see what he can get away with.

You deserve more! Better now, then 10 years from now!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 7:22 PM

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the worst part is that he used a church related event to cover up the lie! get your priorities straight buddy!

also, if i call my boyfriend he answers. if he can't (busy at work, whatever) he calls me back when he can (i should also say that i don't call him five times a day). if i called him 3 times over the course of an evening he would know something was wrong and would immediately call me. i'm not even going to address who he may have been with or whether or not it was right to lie. i think people in relationships should return phone calls from their SO.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 7:23 PM

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I have a question for all of the women who are shouting, he lied, he lied, respect, leave him, you're a doormat:

Are any of you married? Unfortunately, this is all anonymous, so you could answer what you like. My question is not if you've been married before, if you're still married and if so, has it been longer than 5 years. You're all quick to cut and run, no wonder the divorce rate is 6 out of 10.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 7:50 PM

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OP here

I don't think the church related function was a lie. I do think he went to his sister in law's (his brothers wife) gospel CD launch party at the church. I do however think that his ex was invited by either him or someone else in the family. After that I don't know what happened. But I am not falling for him paying for grandma. Sorry, it just doesn't add up. If he had said that up front I would believe it, but too many lies.

One other thing, he has introduced me to almost everyone in the family including his mother. They have all taken to me very well and been very nice. There has been a wedding, his daughters b-day party and other events where they have invited her and he has not invited me. He says he doesn't want to cause problems. I told him he needs to get over that if he wants to be with me. At this point I am not sure what to do.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 9:26 PM

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if it seems like so many of us are all so quick to cut and run it's because we've grown up watching many of our mothers and sisters suffer in lousy marriages and relationships. I like to think that many women of this generation will be smarter and not settle for men who don't treat them the way a man should treat a woman.

To the op: If he's not ready to bring you to family functions with or without the ex there, then it doesn't sound like he's really ready to take this relationship to the next level and live together. I hope you two haven't signed a lease yet. I hope everything works out for you.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 10:14 PM

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Don't seek advice

Whatever you do, I don't think you should be getting advice from peertrainer. None of these people know you and your boyfriends full story and they are all judging your situation on experiences they have had in their own lives. If anything give yourself time to think about it.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 10:26 PM

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who is judging her relationship from their own experences??? she told HER story and obviously has an issue with him ..it has nothing to do with anyone else..the man lied

Wednesday, February 14, 2007, 11:54 PM

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OP again

No we have not signed a lease together. His lease isn't up until April 1 and he was going to move to my place.

I seek advice here because it is all non-partial. My friends have their own opinions and I seek advice from them too. I know I need to just think about the situation and figure it out. I am the type of person that gives in easily and will apologize for the situation even if its not my fault. This time I am not going to do that. I want him to realize that this is wrong. He can't just lie to me expect it to be okay. It eats away at trust and without trust there is nothing.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 8:50 AM

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don't seek advice on peertrainer. i love it! thanks for the laugh!

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 9:00 AM

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roflmao. yeah, I don't get any help on here. that's why i'm here all the time.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 10:40 AM

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I'm married...

We've been together for over 6 years. Is that cred. enough?

I say "run far and fast". Why let a man treat you like second runner up? You sound sweet, OP. Go find a man that will treat you right! I'm sure there is one out there for you.

"So, I can get away with not inviting you to family functions, so my ex-wife can come, I don't have to answer my cell-phone when I'm away because maybe you'll ask who I'm with and what I'm doing, and I can flat out lie to your face when you ask me a question...hmm, I wonder what else you will take?"

SAVE YOURSELF!

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 11:16 AM

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I'm married too ...

I'm not saying that you should drop him immediately but at the very least I think this breech raises major red flags and deserves a serious conversation.

I also think that there is a difference between being married and not married. Even if you don't take the vows seriously there is a huge financial cost to getting divorced. At this point the OP could cut her losses without a major fall out. It's basically about demanding more for yourself because there are worse things than being alone.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 11:24 AM

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OP here...need real help now

He just sent me an email admitting to going to dinner with his ex and kids that night. Now what?

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 11:47 AM

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i don't think you should have to teach someone that lying is bad. if he is an adult and if he lied, he knows he did and he also knows it's wrong. and i do not in any way agree that "maybe he had to lie"-to make his life momentarily easier? anyway, now you know. who's to say when he's lied to you and gotten away with it?! how many lies has he told you?

i also don't think you should have to tell someone that you deserve better. it's a call you need to make and if you agree that you deserve better, go get something better, even if that something is being on your own for a bit. if someone doesn't already know that you don't lie to your partner and that you answer your phone (or at least call back) when your partner calls, this person will probably have a lot of other things to learn, too, about being in a mature, committed relationship. if you don't want to be a teacher but prefer to actually be in a relationship with another mature person and maybe get something out of it besides having given a good lesson-of-the-day, stick to people who already learned how NOT to treat others like crap.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 11:55 AM

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He sent you an email confessing what he was really doing that night?!?!

As much I as I hate to say it ... dump him! You deserve so much more than he is willing to offer! He's not being honest with you, he's not willing to share his life with you AND truly make you a part of it (if he was he would invite you to ALL family functions and let you decide whether or not you wanted to attend if his ex was going to be there) he's showing you absolutely no respect ... he lied right to your face when you confronted him yesterday!?!? And now he wants to "come clean" through an email? Come on ... he can't even stand up to what he obviously knows was wrong and inappropriate behavior for someone who was truly committed to your relationship in person ... he has to hide behind a dotcom address? Please!

RESPECT YOURSELF enough to walk away

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 12:00 PM

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i think you should send him this thread in an email.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 12:08 PM

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Op here again...

I just keep telling myself what the 11:24 poster said...there are worse things than being alone. This is worse. To be in a relationship with someone you can't trust. To wonder what is going on. For him to feel he "has" to lie. That is far worse than being alone. He tried to say it was the kids wanted to see him. Well he could have taken the kids to dinner and brought them home. Uggg! I am just so bewildered that he would think its okay or justifiable. I need to go to the gym.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 12:12 PM

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Honey,
He is not going to stop this mindboggling behaviour. And maybe he really can work things out with the children's mother.
I have been with a liar, who lied whether he "had" to or not (whatever that means), I have been a single mom, I have been married for almost a decade now. I wish I had listened to my gut before I married the first guy.

Don't let him use you, Don't let him in your home, be happy with yourself, and someone else wil be able to value you, too.

An EMAIL? The mind truly boggles at this one

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 2:26 PM

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Take it slowly

OP, if you haven't e-mailed him back already, don't. You two should talk about this face to face. You need him to tell you not just what he was doing, but why he lied to you about it. And then ask him why he wanted so badly to be caught in the lie that he left the receipt next to your V-day card.

Frankly, this guy seems pretty messed up to me. I'm inclined to think that you two should not be planning to move in. And that whether you two stay together or not, he may need some post-divorce therapy.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 3:38 PM

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I'd add to the "Guys lie when they think they have to."

Guys lie when they have to lie to get what they want.

I once found myself in a relationship with and in love with a guy who I caught in a substantial lie and in a prevarication. So I broke up with him. Afterwards I discovered that he had lied to me a lot, and had been sleeping around with more than one other woman! And because he wouldn't admit it, I couldn't find out from him whether he had used condoms -- we hadn't, and I had to get tested for everything under the sun.

Now this is not the OP's situation. I'm just saying that not every guy is nice, and that there are lies that not even the apologist male poster (Feb. 14, 4:45)could excuse.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 3:45 PM

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Email confession? You've got to be joking.

Ok, I think you know what to do...It's going to suck and be hard at first but you know you deserve better than this. He lied to you then confessed it thru an email? It sounds like he wants you to end it, maybe he's waiting for you to make the last move? I can't imagine why else he would make the case so obvious? Botton line: he doesn't want to be with you and I'm sorry you have to go through this. :( You'll be a stronger person after you make it through....

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 4:38 PM

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OP here

Just to make one thing a little more clear-he puts all his receipts on the table until he can enter them into some software on his laptop. It just so happened that he thought setting my card up on the table would be a good idea too. I am 100% sure it wasn't planned that I find the reciept or he wouldn't have lied about it at the time.

I do think its time to end the relationship. I just don't see how I can be with someone who I have to wonder about. Like I said before I have been totally supportive of his time with his children and now I think I might wonder what is going on more often. I know its going to be hard because we have spent 2 years together but better now than later, right? I am going to re-read this thread everytime I feel like calling him because I know you all are right, I deserve better.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 5:07 PM

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My heart is aching for you OP, but not as badly as it would if you had decided the other way. Don't let this derail your healthful lifestyle. Keep reaching out to your friends here. He is not worth destroying your life over, either permanently, or temporarily. Just do not give him this power over you. Also, consider emailing him this thread, so he does not get the cock eyed idea that you are doing this because he confessed. You are going to be alright. I know that you are.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 5:42 PM

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I'm really feeling for you, too, OP! I don't think I would mail him this thread because he may try and use it to manipulate you. Stand up to him and let him see how strong you really are!

I'm wondering why he would decide to come clean after he lied to you. I am the first "married" girl, but before my wonderful husband, I was with a lying sack of shit...and I was way too naive to see through it!

You are obviously a smart person! If you leave him now, it gives you the time to find someone wonderful! Years from now you will look back and be so thankful that you did! Sitting with your soul mate who is proud to bring you around his family, and who wouldn't even want to go to dinner without you!

Life's too short-don't settle!

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 6:15 PM

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I am sorry Op. It is never easy to end a relationship even if you know it is the right thing to do.
IMO, you are doing the right thing. If he lies about one thing, the trust is broken, and it is hard not to wonder what else he has lied about. So break it off before it gets harder.

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 7:03 PM

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Good for you OP! m so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 15, 2007, 8:14 PM

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good for you for putting yourself first!! he may have some great qualities as a person, but as a boyfriend for you, maybe not anymore. i hope you will find the comfort you need to get you through what may be a bit of a tough time, but i really think you may feel a sense of relief and reawakening. empowerment does that to a girl! take care of yourself and please reach out here before you reach out for the phone to call him. love that you recognize that you deserve more!!

Friday, February 16, 2007, 9:38 AM

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OP again

Okay so I told him. Pretty much I don't want to be a doormat, I don't want to be with someone who feels they have to lie to me, I don't want to be with someone who goes out to dinner with his ex, hides it from me, then lies to me, then tries to justify it. I told him without trust you have nothing. You know what he said? "I haven't wanted to be with my ex for 3 years and I don't now. I want to be with you. But like you said, no trust, no relationship. So good luck with your life. "And he walked away.

He didn't even attempt to change my mind. And the way he said no trust, no relationship made me feel like he was blaming it on me. Like I should have trust in him. NO WAY! So I think I made the right decision.

I am still sad though. I got to know his kids. He was a really good friend I could talk to about anything. I know I just need to make myself busy right now and avoid the urge to call him.

Friday, February 16, 2007, 10:04 AM

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He's not blaming it on you. He knows he blew it, and he knows you are right. If he walks away quickly enough, you won't see him crying, that's all.

Friday, February 16, 2007, 10:15 AM

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maybe you could volunteer somewhere, day care center, church nursery, animal shelter, nursing home; somewhere you can give of yourself and get something back emotionally. even if you just do it once in a while, everyone benefits! i take it you will not be keeping in touch with your "ex"? the volunteering may help fill in gaps in your days in the next couple weeks. whatever you decide, you have not just stood up for yourself. you stood up for all women in unfulfilling relationships. thank you!

Friday, February 16, 2007, 10:16 AM

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I'm sorry that it came to this ... but happy you made the decision NOT to be his doormat and stood up for yourself and what "relationships" are all about! It's going to be a difficult time I'm sure, but as always your PT family is here to give you any support and encouragement you need to get through it.

Good luck and stay strong!! :o)

Friday, February 16, 2007, 11:55 AM

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I'm so proud of you!!! You are going to be okay! I like how he turned it around on you, like you thought he wanted to be with his ex, again? That wasn't the point! If he could walk away that easily, he either thinks you will beg for him to come back...or he's happy it's over. In a little while, he'll realize what a good girl he's lost, and he'll be begging for you. Then you need to have the strength inside of you to tell him you're too good for him and you always were.

Friday, February 16, 2007, 1:02 PM

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Op-if he was the right man for you, and worth working on the trust issue, then he wouldn't have walked away so easily (but i agree w/ the previous poster it's probably so you wouldn't see him cry/get emotional!). You do deserve more . . .hang in there. sorry you are going through this right now, but it sounds like you did the right thing, and will be happier in the long term because of it.

Friday, February 16, 2007, 2:46 PM

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OP here

Well ladies its starting to get lonely now. Of course I miss him. I am so mad at myself for even missing him. The worst part is some friends invited me out tonight and I just don't feel like the dating scene again yet. I don't want to meet someone new. I know I should because there is someone better out there but I just dont. hmmph.

Saturday, February 17, 2007, 4:54 PM

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OP-of course you are going to miss him! If the relationship was ever meaningful, you are going to miss him. Don't worry about dating, yet. Why not work on building your strengths and confidence in yourself before meeting another man. I suggest going to the "self-help" section of the bookstore. Find happiness within yourself, first...then move on.

Sunday, February 18, 2007, 8:46 AM

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Well heck yeah you miss him! Hon, what made you think you wouldn't? You don't have to, shouldn't, MUST NOT start trying to date yet, you still have not got a handle on you! You don't yet know how to respect yourself, and until you do, you will continue to find unhealthy relationships. I think the above posts about volunteer work and the self help are excellent.

by the way, are you certain that the friends inviting you out had anything to do with dating or finding a man? If they are just inviting you out, don't turn them down if it is an activity you normally enjoy. I do not know the circs, but going to a concert or a ballet, or a picnic or whatever you used to like to do would be very healthy. It does not need a date.

Sunday, February 18, 2007, 9:38 AM

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OP here

I know you all might yell at me or be disappointed but I called him today. I used the pretext of we need to exchange our keys. He has a key to my apartment and I have one to his. Truly I just wanted to hear his voice. I know I should just get over him and I need to. I can't stand how hard it is. So, I left a message asking for a time tomorrow and a public place to exchange keys. I know this too will be hard. It needs to get done though.

Sunday, February 18, 2007, 6:23 PM

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when ive been in your situation before i keep a voice mail message on my phone so i can listen to that rather than call. exchange the keys and then leave as quick as you can. im sure he will try to talk to you and say he is sorry and all that BS but its in your best interest to get the &^%$ out of there as fast as possible so you dont fall back into it. what are you doing to occupie your time so you can move on?

Sunday, February 18, 2007, 7:25 PM

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I tried to stay busy this weekend. I go to college part time so that takes up some of it. I volunteered on Saturday afternoon. I work during the week. Its mostly nights thats hard. I will probably look for a self-help type book tomorrow, I just feel like I read all the time anyway because of college. Any other suggestions? Most of my friends are either married or on the dating scene. I am not either.

Sunday, February 18, 2007, 9:34 PM

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when are you meeting him? can you bring someone with you? remember that you are not being treated like a person by this guy; he lied to you, who knows how many times!, he lied about lying to you, he could not muster enough respect for you to talk to you in person but sent an email!, he was gald you broke up with him because he was too much of a chicken-sh*t to break up with you evn though he wanted out. not the guy for you!! please let us know how you are doing today!!

Monday, February 19, 2007, 9:25 AM

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Do you have any friends at all that you can hang out with, quasi live with? This is the only way I have ever gotten through a break up without looking back. My friends become my boyfriend, day and night.

Monday, February 19, 2007, 9:29 AM

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i agree with above..you need to turn to your friends even if they are married or dating they should still be there for you. the thing thats helped me is i rely on one good girlfriend and tell her the situation and that anytime i feel like calling him or meeting him im going to call her and talk or hang out till the urge passes..it works if you do it. its just like any habit ..you need to do something else to fill the void

Monday, February 19, 2007, 9:43 AM

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start a list of the things he did that showed no respect for you. make a list of the things you learned from this experience. make a list of the qualities you would like your next boyfriend to possess. write, write, write and refer to what you've written. this helped me in that in times of emotional cravings, i had something tangible to look at and hold to remind me of why i was in a better place than i was before.

Monday, February 19, 2007, 9:48 AM

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I am married, and if one of my girlfriends needed someone for support, I'd still be there in a second! And I don't even really have super-close girlfriends, just friends really. So, if one of my girlfriends called that she needed something, I'd be so flattered that she called that, really, I'd drop everything for her! Reach out to your friends; they will be there.

Your married friends, in particular, probably have time, as they're not trying to "catch" or "keep" a guy; the guy is already "stuck." Also, they'll have a good perspective on what's important in a guy, and why your guy wasn't that guy for you.

Monday, February 19, 2007, 10:22 AM

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OP here

Well today was the hardest day yet. I cry as I write this and I am not much of a crier. We switched keys and he gave me everything that he had of mine at his apartment. It so hard because I feel like 2 years are down the drain. I really loved this guy with all my heart and to see him act like its nothing just hurts so bad. I really helped him in a lot of areas of his life and this makes me feel like it was all for nothing.
I keep trying to take a deep breath and tell myself that I deserve better and that time will heal. I just feel so bad.

Monday, February 19, 2007, 4:49 PM

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Hang in there, OP. We're all pulling for you.

Monday, February 19, 2007, 6:17 PM

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OP-It wasn't all for nothing. You are on this earth to learn. That was a huge learning experience. But, at least it only took you 2 years and not 20! We are all thinking about you! Hang in there, you're going to be okay. Better than okay. :) I promise.

Monday, February 19, 2007, 9:28 PM

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just because you two didn't last forever is no reason to disregard the fond memories you created together. you will always have had the experiences you shared, or those that you had on your own while you were dating. and i am sure you are a bit of a different person now then when you met him. you can see that there were many ways in which you intentionally helped him out, but there are probably ways in which he helped you, too. i would say, though, that you are going through a type of mourning that is very natural when something very significant ends abruptly. it's necessary to recognize and address your feelings, even if your response is crying. it will get better. you could check out websites about the mourning process.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007, 9:00 AM

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Op here

Thank you all for your feedback. I have done a ton of crying. I went and got a self help book I am reading. Doesn't really seem to pertain to the issue though. Do any of you know of a good book when going through a situation like this? We had bought some things together for our apartment like a flat screen tv, a bed and a laptop that we were going to share. Now he has those things and I guess I just have to walk away. The thing that hurts is that he is going to move on and use those things with some other woman. Anyway, I am just sad now and everything makes me cry.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007, 10:08 AM

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he may have those things to share with someone else, but you will move on to a new, exciting relationship, too. and you will bring maturity, self-respect, honesty, communication and the desire to be in a committed relationship to the table with you!!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007, 10:20 AM

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HEY! If he keeps the stuff that you BOTH purchased, make sure he pays you back the share you spent!!

Then you can take your half share, buy yourself a new whatever, and use it with some other guy -- one without so many issues.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007, 4:00 PM

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OP again

I think I just need to cut my losses on the stuff we purchased together. Otherwise I would have to get into a money thing with him and honestly I think the easiest way for me to get over him is to not see him. Which is another problem, he goes to my gym. Today I had to workout knowing he was there in the same room (big area). I just did my own thing and he did his. Feels a little wierd still though. Any ideas on self help books?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007, 9:43 PM

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Five years ago, I was where you are now. It was an awful 6 months or so, then I started healing, then... I really blossomed! Being out of that bad relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. 2 years after the breakup, I had graduated, lost a ton of weight, moved to an exciting new city, and started dating a WONDERFUL new man. Until I met him I never quite appreciated just how bad the previous one was (I didn't know I deserved better). We're getting married in July and we're very happy. I just want you to know, someday in the future you will see this painful period as one of the most important, life-changing times of your life. You will learn a lot about yourself and have the opportunity to make a new life for YOU. Good for you! Treat yourself right and insist that other people do too -- and the happy future will come along. :)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007, 9:48 PM

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Self help book:

I HIGHLY recommend the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Melba Colgrave, Harold Bloomfield & Peter McWilliams. I've used it a couple times over the years (decades!) and have let many girlfriends borrow it.

I hope this helps. We're all here for you.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007, 2:05 AM

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I just saw this thread for the first time and just wanted you to know that you did the right thing. It's easy for us to say that, it's another thing for you to go through it. I, like many other PT members, have struggled through a breakup with someone I couldn't trust. Like the 9:43 poster above, I did not fully realize how I deserved to be treated until I broke up with my lying boyfriend and later found my husband. My husband always places me at his highest priority, ALWAYS, not just when he doesn't have any other choices. As long as you are willing to give the same, you deserve that in return. Good luck. Your PT friends are here for you.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007, 2:09 AM

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i cringed a little when i read the suggestion to collect payment for half of the stuff you purchased together...i am really with you on the decision to just cut your losses!! i have a book called "letting go of shame" that a friend gave me many years ago after my long-term relationship ended and i was worried about my emotional health. it may not sound like it pertains to your particular situation, but i highly recommend it for helping figure out how you feel about yourself and what you deserve. here is a link to the amazon page about the book.

Link

Wednesday, February 21, 2007, 9:11 AM

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OP, I'm really sorry that you are going through this right now. However, i'm glad that you have realized that this guy is just not the one for you. This is going to sound harsh but I think the book "he's just no that into you" is a great book for getting over any relationship. The title sounds harsh but this book will teach you so much about yourself and about men. I've pretty much held on to a little part of something from every failed relationship i've had, always wondering 'why"..."why do men act this way" "what did I do or could have done" etc. This book helps you to forget that and realize how great you actually are and what you have to offer. Since reading it I have realized that there are some things that you just can't control and totally moved on emotionally from all past relationships. It also helped me realize how great my new relationship is and I appreciate my partner so much more.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007, 5:15 PM

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Op here..thank you for the suggestions.

Thank you for the suggestions you have given me. I do plan to go out and pick up a couple this weekend. I am starting to feel a little better now. I am accepting the fact that I deserve a man that knows better than to lie/cheat. I am too old to be teaching someone that. Thank you for the posters that clued me into that. I am starting to notice some stares/double takes from men. I didn't notice this before and I don't know if it was because I was just not looking or maybe I just look more free now. I don't know. I know I need some more time to get myself together and figure out why I let the relationship get as far as it did without me putting my foot down and making sure I was a part of his family. I let him get away with treating me second best. I know, in time, right?

Wednesday, February 21, 2007, 9:32 PM

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My first thought is this... If you've been together for two years and his sister is having a cd release party at a church, why weren't you invited? Especially since his "whole family" was there? If you feel like you can't trust him you need to wait on moving in together.

Okay if you have an issue with him seeing his ex-wife, your not sure about the relationship. He is going to have to see his ex all the time and she will always be a part of his life BUT if he doesn't invite you to family events, etc. there is something really wrong there, especially if your planning on living together. And yes he is lying! It sounds like he went to dinner with the ex and kids and even if nothing is going on between them why lie about it, unless your a jealous woman and he thought it would just avoid a fight. Either way I would never be with a man who can't include me in family things, you are a part of his life. DON'T MOVE IN WITH HIM, YOUR RELATIONSHIP ISN'T RIGHT.

Thursday, February 22, 2007, 1:53 AM

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He probably gets mad at you because he feels guilty about lying. And yes if he doesn't invite you to family functions after 2 years its time to walk away. How old are his kids? Why don't you spend time with them also? Time to move on, 2 years or not, he's lying to you and not treating you with respect or consideration, get rid of him.

Thursday, February 22, 2007, 1:58 AM

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I'm married also, 1st marriage lasted 2 years but was with him for 8 and now re-married for 6 years. First marriage was filled with lies and dis-trust issues. 2nd marriage is solid, honest and very trusting.

I wonder, do you love him enough that you can see spending your life with him? If so then you need to know the ex wife cause she is going to be a constant in his life, so why not have a get together with his family and break the ice and invite her as well. Then he will no longer have an issue with it. You'll also be able to tell if there is still something going on between them. If there isn't its been 2 years or more since their marriage is over and I'm sure she is also seeing someone, invite her. Its amazing that no one has suggested this.

My parents were divorced but we always had family functions together along with my mom's boyfriend and my dads girlfriends> They were best friends and remained that way.

Thursday, February 22, 2007, 2:08 AM

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You should see this time in your life as liberating experience. Enjoy yourself, do things you want to do with worrying about a man. Too many woman put there self worth on a man. I am married and love my husband, been married for 8 years and we have a good, strong, loving relationship but honestly it is hard work and there are times that I really miss being on my own. Having a man in your life doesn't define who you are. Take this time to get to know you.

Thursday, February 22, 2007, 2:21 AM

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it would be great if, before offering advice, people actually read the whole thread. it seems apparent that the posters from 153, 158 and 208 did not and their comments are like wasted breath. i'm not trying to argue, but i think it's important to know what is going on before you jump in and suggest what someone should do. it's just more helpful that way.

OP, it sounds like you are going to get through this with your head held high. what are your plans for this weekend? maybe a new haircut/color?

Thursday, February 22, 2007, 9:09 AM

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well, OP, i feel for you and have experienced similar relationships. it is tough in the beginning to move on emitionally. treat yourself to some special pampering this weekend-a long hot buble bath, a massage, maybe get yourself some brunch on sunday at a really charming restaurant. take yourself on your ideal date and get a feel for what you enjoy doing on your own. it will most likely help you feel independent, free, empowered...you are woman! let's hear you roar!

Friday, February 23, 2007, 10:23 AM

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OP, My favorite pick me up is a spa pedicure with my friends. I believe good girlfriends can help get you through all life's challenges plus pedi's are just such a wonderful indulgence! I hope you have something fun planned for this weekend.

Friday, February 23, 2007, 6:31 PM

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OP here

hey my PT family. Thanks for all your support. It is getting a tiny bit easier, I guess. I had to see him today because I had a few things of his at my apartment. I didn't cry this time. I talked to him for a few minutes. I was so nervous though. I don't know why. I felt like I didn't know what to say or how to be around him. I was very uncomfortable. Is this normal?

I don't have any big plans for the weekend. I had just got a haircut a couple weeks ago. I am not sure what to do to get in better spirits. I am still sad half the time and just so disappointed, I guess I really somewhere deep down thought he was the one and it could have been such a good relationship.

Friday, February 23, 2007, 6:34 PM

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OP, sorry that you had to go through what you did. I also think that you did the right thing. Also I agree with some of the other posters, that you should learn to love yourself and be secure with yourself. My additional advice is to not give of yourself so deeply to another man until he is willing to give you a ring. Too many women give too much of themselves to men who aren't willing to give of themselves back to the women. I can also see that you are getting stronger every day.

p.s. I'm glad that you are not concerned about the stuff you purchased together. Let him keep all of the things that remind him of the relationship, maybe he will learn a thing or two.

Friday, February 23, 2007, 7:15 PM

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i think the awkward feelings are totally normal. it's almost like the image of the person you were dating has been shattered, hence the break-up, and now you're with a kind of stranger. you used to think you understood this person and that you could pick up on their communcation signals...NOT. it all feels blatantly real when you have to be around this person again. it's uncomfortable for sure, but not just for you. once you start feeling a bit more "normal" on your own, or once you find something that brings out the same kind of passion your previous relationship used to (be it painting, bike riding, poetry, another guy, whatever it is), you will start to feel less dependent on someone elses' feelings about you for validation. just give it some time, though, girl!! it's only just happened!! your comments are indicative of your improved emotional state in the past few entries alone, so i am sure you'll be back to feeling strong very soon. please try not to beat yourself up about the entourage of emotions you are no doubt going through...they're a normal reaction to such a change!!

Saturday, February 24, 2007, 9:05 AM

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Hi OP - I think its time someone said this and sounds like you are in a place to appreciate this. Congratulations on taking a series of right decisions to get your life back!

From now on this should be about moving on - the things that you are going to achieve - sense of balance, happiness, healthy lifestyle. Appreciation of what you already have - strong set of values, strength of character, the intelligence, looks to turn heads and double takes....................

You go girl...........!

Saturday, February 24, 2007, 1:53 PM

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I think this is not a true story ... the way the story was told, the way it played out, changes in the OP's voice ... it does not seem real to me.

Sunday, February 25, 2007, 4:57 PM

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I am the OP

I promise you this "story" is real. I am going through some mixed emotions about the whole thing though, which may make it sound like I am wishy-washy. Mainly I want to be okay with the situation but I am not. I still miss him like crazy. He was my best friend for a long time. I want to think it will be okay and I will find someone better but he was right for me in so many ways. Unfortunatly he was wrong for me in a big way. I think of reasons I "need" to call him and then I tell myself no. It hurts.

So, sorry you question my real life drama. I wish it were not real. I wish I had the great relationship that I thought I had.

Sunday, February 25, 2007, 9:31 PM

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i find it absolutely rude and uncaring to question thevalidity of this thread. wake up and smell someone else's roses!! maybe the questioning poster hasn't led a life with ups and downs, with emotional stresses, with choices that are tough and heart-wrenching. but many of us have and can/do relate.


Tuesday, February 27, 2007, 8:55 AM

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OP here

I went out and got another self help book, I forgot to write down the titles from here so I will have to pick those up next time. The book I got is called something like "working through your crisis." So far it sounds pretty good. More of going back to who you were before you became a couple. We talked for a few minutes yesterday. I asked him how his girls were doing, etc. He didn't really ask anything about me. It is disappointing that he just doesn't care. I guess I didn't see it before.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007, 9:07 AM

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hence the ol' saying, "love is blind." hang in there! the books will help. they are reawakening the real you, the independent you and the you of the future!!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007, 9:11 AM

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Thank you PT friends

I just wanted to thank all of you that helped me along my rough last couple weeks. Just to update you, yesterday he sent me an email appoligizing for acting an @ss in the gym , because he didn't even say hello to me. He said in the email he just wanted to see how I was doing and say hello.
So (as mad as some of you would be) I replied. We emailed each other some yesterday and today. He said he regretted we broke up and begged my forgiveness.

Back and forth the emails went, until today. To make a long story short, I told him again that the trust is gone. I was sad when I said it but I wished him luck finding another woman...one he would never feel the need to lie to.

Friday, March 02, 2007, 7:08 PM

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you are a strong woman! You know in your heart what the right decision is. I have not read every single post here, but I do know that being in love with a man that has children with another woman will always have an extra complication, their bond is forever, no matter what...just keep that in mind.

Friday, March 02, 2007, 7:51 PM

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this is all so untrue .. the "OP" is just f'ing with everyone .. weel done, but bad

Friday, March 02, 2007, 11:41 PM

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yeah, i forgot to write down the titles but it might be "I like to draw people into to a made up story for laughs ..."

Friday, March 02, 2007, 11:49 PM

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LOL..what would be the point?

Saturday, March 03, 2007, 12:56 AM

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Why would a man who goes to church want to live with you?

Saturday, March 03, 2007, 7:34 AM

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OP here

Are you kidding me? Why would I make it up?

Saturday, March 03, 2007, 7:49 AM

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7:34 poster, no one said he went to church. He only went there for a gospel CD release party for his sister in law. There are men however that go to church and still live with a woman. Thank you for your holierthanthou attitude. It is really good for PT.

Saturday, March 03, 2007, 8:15 AM

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im sure if someone was going to MAKE UP a storie on PT it would be way better than this one ..this is something that happens all the time to normal people..not something anyone would makeup.

Saturday, March 03, 2007, 8:42 AM

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To the OP, How are you?

Sunday, March 18, 2007, 8:23 PM

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i'd really love for the OP to check in and let us know how she's doing! have you reunited with her ex?

Friday, May 04, 2007, 10:54 AM

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