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don't know why i'm so sensitive?
Why am I so sensitive when I mention to my boyfriend I have a zit ) while riding in the car to meet new people) and he comes back with something like oh if they forget who you are they will think oh yeah she's the one with the zit? When I mention later he hurt my feelings he always says its his personality and he was just joking thats the way he is.I don't normally break out much and I put in an effort to take care of myself and look nice. I just wonder why I have a need for him to say something nice instead of joking all the time. He never seems to say anything encouraging like I look nice or a comeback like well I love you anyways it is always a joke with him. I don't know why I am such a baby and take things so personal and feel this need for approval.Maybe its because I am such a perfectionist with everything that if he finds a way to put me down he does.Or maybe its because I am looking for something from him that is just not there.I am bringing this up today because it really bothered me last night and he was real busy working from home last night and I ate some valentine choc. I am feeling pathetic and don't know why I am such a baby. I mention to him all the time that I am sensitive but he still jokes with me like that like i'm one of the guys. I love him and have been with him a long time but why am i so needy and sensitive and then make matters worse by sabatoging my diet? It isn't the zit thats bothering me as much as why am I like this???
Mon. Feb 19, 10:10am
I am also sensitive to people who "always joke." I've known quite a few; dated a couple briefly, had a couple as teachers, etc. In the end, I realized that I just don't mesh well with that personality type. Sure, there are a couple that I work with, and I can manage to get along okay with them, but they're never going to be my close friends, as I feel the need to always be defending myself to their "jokes," and it gets really tiring!
All I know (and it's taken me awhile to get here) is that, if my boyfriend wouldn't respect one of my big wishes, and hurt me on a regular basis, and knew it, and wouldn't try to stop, I'd have to wonder how much he really cared about me as a person. I'd wonder if he really knew me, or if he just liked/loved the idea of me, but really didn't know me at all.
My advice would be to try and have a real heart-to-heart. If he refuses, or "jokes" all the way through, then, you have your answer. You don't need to grow a thick skin in order to suit someone else; you should be with someone who makes you happy to be yourself!
Monday, February 19, 2007, 10:17 AM
i used to be in a relationship with a guy who "joked", as he put it, constantly, despite my continual requests that he stop because it hurt my feelings. he, too, used to tell me that i was too sensitive, or that i needed to lighten up. i asked him why I was supposed to change but HE was not. neither of us wanted to change who we are, we realized we were not romantically compatible and broke up. however, and i think it's because we discussed the whole thing, we remain friends even 6 years later. it's funny, though , that after we broke up, he was not always teasing/joking with me all the time like he had when we were dating.
Monday, February 19, 2007, 10:35 AM
Check out the earlier thread on "teasing." Yes, it's not funny -- it's a power issue.
Monday, February 19, 2007, 10:49 AM
He may not feel he has any options.
Figure out what you need to hear, and then when he cuts a joke, say, "That is funny! What I need you to say now is...." Repeat if as many times as necessary. When he does say it, even if it is nasty or sarcastic, Smile your brightest and say, "Thanks, those words help." Don't get tearful or upset, just keep asking SPECIFICALlY for what you need.
I do this with friends, too. I acknowledge the joke, then tell them specifically what would support me.
My guy is not a joker, usually, but he does get tunnel vision where all he sees is what he is thinking about or working on. I sometimes say, "I did such and such today, and it was difficult because...I am really proud of myself, and I need an 'Attagirl' from you.
Immediately he is in my head, he has a scenario, and he has an action that he can do. Guys like that, they can succeed, and they don't have to guess and possibly fail
It works for my friends, to, for me to let them know what would help.
But I am a very upfront person and have done a lot of work on myself to own what I feel and what I need.
Best of luck,
Monday, February 19, 2007, 11:10 AM
My husband and I joke around a lot, and I could totally see this exact situation happening to us. I am really emotional, so sometimes things hurt my feelings. Then, as my feelings are being hurt, I think "wow, it really bothers me when someone can't take a joke" and then I get over it.
After we joke around a little, he'll usually say something like..."it's not that bad, I didn't even see it until you pointed it out" or, if he doesn't, I'll say something like, "everyone will remember YOU as the one with the stupid haircut."-then we're even.
We also say things like, "Will you still love me if I wear this sweater?"
Then the other one will say, "Of course I'll love you, but I won't hang out with you."
Lighten up a little, OP, it's just life. But, as I said, I'm emotional, too. I just have to remind myself not to be so serious sometimes.
Monday, February 19, 2007, 1:25 PM
Teasing such as you describe is bullying. The book _Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense_ by Suzette Haden Elgin is available both from Amazon.com and from BarnesandNoble.com. I highly recommend this book. It has changed my life. Before you can learn to defend yourself, you must learn to recognize verbal power plays when they occur. This book can help you see what is happening in conversation and then give you the tools to gently deflect the attack.
You are not being overly sensitive. You simply have not been taught how to handle this kind of "teasing".
Monday, February 19, 2007, 3:12 PM
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