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So I am wondering how many men out there work while their wives or partners stay home and take care of the kid/kids? And do you pitch in and want to do things with your children? Things like reading bedtime stories to them, maybe changing a diaper or feeding them? Playing with them for more then 30 min every other day? I really want to know if you participate in the raising of your child or if you think because your wife doesn't have to work that you don't have to do anything with the children? That the kids are your wife's job. I really need to understand how a man who can say he loves his daughter and enjoys her never wants to spend time with her. My child is 3 yr old and since day one she has been my sole responsibility. I can count the number of times he has changed a diaper and if it was a poopy one forget it. I can also count the number of times he has come to the park to play with her, fed her, spent time one on one with her. He is a very selfish man and I really thought with how playful he is with me that he would be a different kind of father but he's really turning out to be a shitty father and I'm sad for my daughter that she already knows at 3 not to expect much from him.

Mon. Mar 5, 10:58pm

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Sorry not a father. I'm a stay at home mom to 2 children. My husband adores our kids. When he gets home from work it's basically his responsibility to play with the kids while I cook, then after dinner he usually plays with them again. On the weekend he always wants to do something with the kids. He puts our son to bed, I put our daughter. We are a great team but by himself he's a very loving and attentive father.

Have you talked to your husband about this?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 7:40 AM

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I am a dad to a three year old and a newborn. I'd rather not judge him, but simply note that he is missing out on a lot and will regret it later in life. Can you guess at the reason he chooses to take this approach? Anger may be counterproductive in this case. What might work is to really work with him/on him in a patient manner that makes every attempt to understand what he is thinking. 50 years ago his behavior was the model fyi.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 9:08 AM

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why does it matter how other fathers behave? if you are not happy in your living / family situation, you should speak up and discuss this with your husband. it sounds like you already have some contempt / resentment building up and it will probably just get worse if you don't address it soon. most of the family's that we socialize with have different family-structures, some are same-sex unions, some are single-parent homes, some have children from previous relationships, some have grown children and now care for their grandchildren...i would steer away from comparing your family's style with others. maybe your husband misses having the time alone with you and he is acting out this way?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 9:15 AM

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OP here, to make it clear I'm not trying to compare my family situation with other families. I am just trying to find out if there are a lot of other old fashioned husbands out there. And by that I mean dating back to how it was in the 50's. I have talked to him A LOT and he just doesn't seem to get it. He has no idea how much I do around here while caring for our daughter. He appreciates that I clean, do laundry, do everything relating to the house, pay the bills, balance the checkbooks, cook, and raise our child, but he doesn't really know what its like or how much I'd like to have 2 hours to myself. He has never watched her for more then an hour at a time, except when she was still napping a long time and then it was only during her naps. I don't regret having a child in fact I wouldn't give her up for the world. It just saddens me that she is already aware at 3 that he spends hardly any time with her, and she sees other daddy's spending time and playing with their kids and she is even starting to ask why questions. I do spend time with my husband, 2 nights a week and every other Sunday is our time, I also stay up late so we can spend most night together even though I've woken up at 6 to start our day, on average I get about 6 hours of sleep a night and he doesn't understand why I'm tired. My husband will admit while he misses all the time together that he doesn't resent or regret our daughter. He is also the first to admit that he is very selfish with his time. Most days he sleeps until 10 or 11 and then goes to work, comes home at 7'ish and doesn't go to bed until 1 or 2. I can understand if he was actually doing something but he's not. Like last night she asked him to play with her and he says not now I'm busy, he was playing a game on the computer. He never sees her sad little face when things like this happen and then I find myself trying to make up for these things. I have told him that if he keeps this pattern up that by the time she gets old enough that he wants to spend time with her that it will be to late, she won't be interested. My husband's only responsibility around the house is to take out the garbage cans to the curb on Monday nights. You say it sounds like I resent him? I do, when he plays with her it is one of the few times I see him truly look happy so I can't understand why he doesn't do it more often. I usually have to beg and argue with him to do a family thing, and lately that has stopped because what is the point. By the time he agrees I am so mad it just ruins the day so I would rather ask once and if he says no then I do it without him. There are times when he does do things like take her to the bathroom to clean her hands without me asking him to do it, but thats about where it stops. I have told myself I will not allow my daughter to grow up in an environment where she feels and sees this, she would be better off with living with a single parent, and that is basically what I am, a married single parent, sometimes I feel that it would be easier if I were single, at least there wouldn't be this constant battle about this issue to deal. But I have told him that I am giving him 2 years to see if he makes an effort to change things and be a part of this family and if not well, then I will decide what to do. So far not much has changed.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 11:14 AM

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wow. maybe marriage counselling is the first step to take in this situation. there does not seem to be any sort of a "meeting of the minds" going on. when did you tell him he had 2 years to change? are you really able to wait for 2 years from today? no offense, but you "sound" angry, hostile, and in self-destruct mode. you definitely need some type of outlet for your feelings, so please take advantage of this site when you need to vent!! are there any mothers with whom you could arrange some play dates to give yourself some time alone? or what about signing your daughter up for some activity classes during the morning or afternoon? you can explain to your husband that the classes are a necessary expense since you have to do all of the housework and child caring, if he asks.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 11:46 AM

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Ultimatums almost never work. If the person does yeild, it's usually with resentment and you want him to want to do it. My mom only saw her dad once a week, because he usually came home from work after 7pm which was her bedtime. On the weekends, he did business or he played golf. He liked to be with his wife, not his kids. My mom still lived for him. She says that she can only remember spending one day with him, only one day in her entire life. He took her to the english gardens. to this day, there are pictures of English gardens all over her house and she's obsessed with it. She talks about her dad as if he was the greatest thing in the world. Forgive me but I think you're projecting your own "movie" ideal of what a father should be and what he should act like. If you show that you're angry about it, that is what your daughter will pick up on, your anger, not even necessarily her own anger because she might not even be angry about it! Sounds like you need a break. Raising children is tough. Do you have a trusted babysitter or family around so you can get a break? This really sounds lke it's more about you. Be happy he loves you and he's into you. Many husbands aren't. Is he really that bad?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 11:49 AM

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Wow... at first, I was gonna say that maybe you don't appreciate his struggles at work, or that this was the deal you two made when you had a child, but this guy really seems disinterested. Even worse, it's almost like you've got two kids to look after.

A couple thoughts- he sounds depressed. At least, he's acting like a lot of guys do when they're depressed- closed off, brooding, hiding in video game world. I recognize this because I do it too sometimes...

He also seems to be acting like he's resentful- that the child has wrecked his perfect little world and that maybe if he ignores it, it'll go away. He may say he doesn't resent the child, but his actions say otherwise.

Otherwise, he really sounds like he's being a HUGE baby himself- he admits he's selfish with his time but refuses to do anything about it, He knows there's a problem but refuses to change.

Y'all need to get some serious couples therapy or something ASAP. because otherwise, your options are to DTMFA.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 12:22 PM

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DTMFA? Am I dumb or just not getting what this stands for?

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 12:34 PM

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i, too, am at a loss for these acronyms. i usually just punch in the letters in google and find the meaning. DTMFA means "dump the mother f*cker already".

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 12:37 PM

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This is harsh and I know I'm going to get beaten up by anonymous peertrainers everywhere, but it sounds to me like your husband is just a general old run-of-the-mill a$$hole.

Agreed about DTMFA.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007, 12:39 PM

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