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Do men pay for dates anymore?

My daughter 24 in in a relationship with a 34 yr old professional. He makes much more money then her. They say they are in a serious with relationship with marriage as a goal. She is broke all the time now because she is continuing her education so she can be an RN . She said she is staying home to help me with the house because he is going out. They are going away together for Easter. she said she has to stay home and save her money so she can pay for her 1/2 of the vacation. I said don't men pay anymore when you go out. She told me it is a new era! Women pAY AS WELL AS MEN. I think the young girls have it so hard Aren't there any real men around who are willing to step up to the plate and take responsibility! I have been married for 25 years. I stayed home when we raised our children. Now I work and contribute a fair amouunt to the home. We are both very happy. I wish my daughter could find someone like her Dad1

Sat. Mar 31, 1:11pm

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Paying for a data is one thing, paying for a vacation, that's a totally different story in my book.

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 1:26 PM

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you would think that if a person you are dating knows that you are low on cash because you are paying for school, that they might be a little more inclined to pay for a night out on the town. I do agree however that a vacation is a different story. my ex and I would split expenses for vacations - I did make less than him, and he and I would plan accordingly, looking for the best deals.

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 1:46 PM

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I was raised in a way that is now considered old-fashioned. I still think it is the best way and I have raised my boys (and my daughter) the same way. But then, I've also raised them so that they probably won't be going on vacation with anyone who is not their spouse. If they do, it will be to meet their future spouse's family.

I know many of you will think that's horrible - but, please don't judge us so harshly. It works for us and my children are happy with it. I taught them the values and they now choose that path as well.

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 1:49 PM

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1:49 I totally agree with you I am the op I tried to raise my daughter not to go away with boyfriend I agree about going on vacations But thisn't a vacation it is to visit one of HIS friends. I understand she is an adult and I have to let it go! It helps when I write and I know i am not alone with my feelings Thanks!

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 1:58 PM

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If they are in a serious relationship with a view to marriage, then they're not really in the wine-her-and-dine-her phase of the relationship, are they? Things change once someone's permanently in the picture. Just the nature of the beast. I would hope, however, they've both taken into account her financial constraints when planning the trip and pay accordingly, but I don't think he's is necessarily being ungentlemanly. He likely sees her as an equal in all things, not just the financial side. It's just easiest for parents to notice this aspect. As a young woman, I can tell you the days of us all dreaming for a man to "take us away" are gone. We don't have lowered expectations in men, just higher expectations of ourselves (not meant as a dig here!). I take myself away! If you've instilled good self-respect in your daughter, this probably isn't the problem you're thinking it is. Just my two cents. I hope they have a great time.

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 2:03 PM

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my husband makes more than me, and he pays for "everything". i think it makes him feel good and me, well, i'm not complaining either. actually, all my boyfriends paid for "everything", too, and i can't imagine being w/ someone who made more than me and wanted to "split it down the middle". i'm in my 30s & am a teacher - it ain't that hard to make more than me, LOL.

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 2:33 PM

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To 2:03 p.m.

My good friend was in "a serious relationship with a view to a marriage" and had her wedding called off by her fiance two weeks before their wedding.

A "view to a marriage" and "marriage" are two separate things.

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 3:41 PM

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free dinners aren't free

I have a friend whose ex insisted on paying for everything, even though he made less money than her. He had a very traditional view of marriage, and of men being the breadwinner. Recently he broke it off, because he wasn't ready to take on what he saw as a huge responsibility and take a more steady job to play this role. Whereas my fiance and I always split things, and we both know that we will split all kinds of things in our future married life: childcare responsibilities, cooking, cleaning, and bringing home paychecks. Sometimes when you take the free dinner, I think you give up some options and some freedom (to continue your career, for example). Not worth it to me!

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 8:56 PM

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Night in armor

Well- I dated this last man... he had been planning a trip to Europe. He wanted to take me along- 3 months into our relationship.(Oktoberfest in Germany as one of the places) I told him (when he asked) that I had not saved any money to go to Europe, was not planning to, and it was his trip. He told me that was not what he asked, " do you WANT to go to Europe?" this went round a few times... so finally I said yes... When my mom found out she said it sounded like a honeymoon.
After the trip we still moved in together as planned... he proposed the next valentines day- we were married that next September.
He paid for everything... carried the bags, and got me a rose in every country. Now after almost 8 years of marriage he teases me when I forget to hand him leftover change from a purchase when he hands over his wallet or a 20... lol.

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 9:41 PM

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9"41 You are a lucky Lady. I guess romance still happens!

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 10:22 PM

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I think men and women are free to structure the payment of expenses however they see fit, and it sounds like your daughter is fine with saving her money to pay her way for the trip.

Personally I like a guy to pay for dates in the beginning, but if we end up in a longer relationship then I don't mind splitting expenses at all. Typically that happens with taking turns on casual meals and entertainment. On the same note, I am never shy about saying if I don't have the money to eat out or do something extra expensive that he may suggest. Exacty the same, I don't mind if he tells me that he doesn't have the money to take me out or do something extra expensive that I may want to do. If I (or he) really want us to go then I'll (or he'll) pay, if not we'll find something else to do.

Communication about finances is especially important if a relationship is going to lead to marriage, and splitting expenses is one way of learning to do that.

[In case it matters, I'm 25 and have gone through being broke in college, making rather good money, dating guys who make more than me, and dating guys who make less than me.]

Saturday, March 31, 2007, 11:57 PM

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Right now I make a damn good paycheck and my bf just got laid off. So if I want to do something expensive (i.e., something other than going out for pizza) I pay for both of us. I wouldn't ask him to go out to a concert and expect him to pay for an expensive ticket! But I do think that he feels constrained not to ask me to pay for things he might want to do that he's not sure I'm into.

In general, I've always worked (even in school) and been proud of the money I did have. Back when it wasn't much, my bf at the time (who made more) and I would split the check for a dinner out, but we would choose restaurants where I could definitely afford my half of the check. By doing this we discovered a number of excellent hole-in-the-wall, family-run kind of restaurants. It was great!! Just remember, it doesn't have to be white-tablecloth to be romantic. :-) And it didn't have to trample on my self-esteem, either. :-)

On vacations back when I was poor..... We split, but not evenly. I would pay for my airfare, for instance, but bf would pay for the rental car, place(s) to stay, etc. since he did have a lot more money than I did. So on a big thing like a vacation, the financial burden was more proportionate to salary.

Sunday, April 01, 2007, 11:58 AM

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My husband and I (we've been married for 8 months, and are 24 and 25, so we're not so far removed from the dating scene) have made close to the same amount of money all along, but I've made just a bit more, for almost the whole time we've been together. And we like nice things - nice clothes, a nice condo with nice furniture, etc., so we don't have a ton of cash left over for going out to fancy places. But we both really enjoy treating the other one. So, when we go somewhere nice (not so much now that we have joint credit cards and checking accounts), one of us would generally take the other one. Maybe I'd buy him tickets to a fun, but expensive, event for his b-day, or he'd take me to a fancy restaurant, or I'd buy him a cashmere sweater, or he'd buy me a gift certificate for a massage. Whatever it is, we really liked spoiling each other; it was about giving to the other person. I don't think he spent more on me than I spent on him, but he definitely spent more on me than he did on himself (outside of things like rent, etc.), but I spent more on him than I spent on myself too. So, yes, he was a true gentleman, taking me out, etc. But, I played my part too. I thought it was a great system!

Sunday, April 01, 2007, 2:30 PM

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I'm 25 and in a serious relationship as well. Usually I think girls will expect the guy to pay for the first few dates (but she will politely offer to pay) but going "dutch" is really common. After dating for a while, I like to take turns - sometimes I pay, sometimes my boyfriend pays. Right now, I make more than my boyfriend (he's a PhD student) and sometimes he looks guilty when I pick up the check.

I can understand that you'd like to have your daughter well-taken care of. It's just that our generation likes to take care of themselves and be "independent" women. Also, learning not to rely on men for money is VERY important as divorce is common and women tend to live at least 5 years longer than men, if not more. We need to count on our own resources to pay our way because we're not sure that someone will always be there to take care of us - at least financially!!

Monday, April 02, 2007, 10:47 AM

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Maybe it's a generational thing but I find it a little offensive when I guy pays for everything. Ditto when a guy asks to buy me drinks. I can pay for my own drinks thank-you-very-much.

Monday, April 02, 2007, 11:00 AM

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9:41 comes back

Yes I am very lucky- I told him about this thread and he mentioned something interesting I will try and remember and relay correctly.

"Back when I was dating girls before you- many got insulted when I did try and pay. So maybe it has gotten to the point where men just let women pay and or pay half because they don't want to insult the woman. (ie it is easier to say nothing)"

He "tsks" me when we are walking to a door and I go faster than him to open the door... he still wants to open the door for me after 8 years...
We just need to work on our communication skills-gets us into trouble- though we do not resort to name calling which is a good thing.

Monday, April 02, 2007, 4:53 PM

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i am of the mind set that if i want it, i'll buy it. if i cannot afford to buy it, i will either save up or go without. i never expect and rarely allow a man to pay my way, much the same as i am in my friendships with women (and men). just because "sara" makes more money than me and we hang out all the time does not make me entitled to cash in on her earnings. if i cannot afford to spend the night or weekend as she has planned, i don't participate. i feel indebted to others, dates or friends, when they pay for me due to my lack of funds. of course, there are many times that i am treated and also times when i do the treating, but pretty much only for "occasions".

Tuesday, April 03, 2007, 9:13 AM

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When I met my husband 4 years ago, our first couple of dates he paid like a nice gentleman, but after a few dates I offered to pay like a modern girl :)

I was earning a great salary as was he and taking turns paying just seemed like the right thing to do. After we dated for a couple of months, we went away on a mini vacation, rented a cabin, etc. and we sure as heck split it 50/50, but he did end up picking up more of the tab than I.

Nowadays, women are earning more money than ever and are more independent that ever and in dating situations that is reflected by paying for things.

Now, since your daughter is broke (due to educating herself), if she chooses to save money so that she can contribute, there is nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't make her feel as though there is, what kind of message are you sending her. For all you know, she could be with her prince charming and you're making him out to be less of a man for not paying, c'mon!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007, 3:05 PM

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