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Pity Party - Apologies in Advance

My boyfriend of six years unexpectedly broke up with me this morning. We live together and he pays the bills. I'm starting a new job Monday, but I won't get paid for nearly a month. My parents want me to move home but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that. A year ago I left my job and city to move to be with him and I haven't made friends since I've been here. I don't know why I'm posting this...I guess I just need a friend, however impersonal.

Sat. May 5, 7:22pm

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I don't have any advice but I wish you well. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 8:04 PM

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Just be strong! Borrow some money from your parents, start your job on Monday and by 15th you'll have your own first pay. For the b/f: well, if he's gone, that's life, dwelling on it won't help now. Friends.. well, you have to take care of yourself now, and maybe in this uneasy situation it's for the best. And then again, you'll start your new work, and maybe the friends will happen automatically. Or workplace romance. or whatever. The world is full of possibilitites, and return to the parents' house is a step back, not forward in your own life.

Shit happens.

or, then again -

Everything happens for the best.

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 8:42 PM

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Wow, OP. I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. But thank goodness that you are starting a new job on Monday.. what if you were just suddenly having to LOOK for a job. I agree with the other posters, try to stick it out on your own, even if you have to borrow a little for a month. There are always free lectures at the library, and this will be a perfect time to get into a good walking program - have you explored your own neighborhood? Keep your chin up! We're here for you!

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 9:17 PM

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There's a reason for everything. It's time for a new life and clearly your on your way. New job, thats exciting, hopefully its something you enjoy. I agree with the above posters, borrow some money from mom and dad, but enough to get you through a 3 month period. Hopefully you have some savings and finding a place of your own won't be a struggle. This is the perfect time to concentrate on yourself, take full advantage of your freedom. Good luck.

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 11:30 PM

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So sorry to hear about what happened to you. It's going to be a rough few weeks, I'm sure...

I created a new team for you or anyone else who is struggling with this kind of situation. Search the team listing for "Heartbreak Hotel" and maybe you can find a sympathetic ear or two.

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 11:45 PM

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What city are you in?

I'm terribly sorry :-( Somehow it's never enough to be down - life's gotta make sure you're down AND out. I know that it hurts, but you're tougher than you know and you can get through this.

I understand where your parents are coming from - their daughter is hurting and doesn't have clear means of her own yet, so they naturally want to help you and having you move back in seems like the best way to them. If you are really committed to making it in this 'new' city (honestly it's time to discover the peopl and place where you live - you may see it with new eyes now that you'll be on your own) then it'll be a bit tougher without a network of friends, but it's definitely doable. However if the city you're in now has lost it's attraction, there's no shame in graciously accepting a helping hand if you need it. We all do from time to time.

Look on Craig's List too - it's a great place to find apartments, free furniture and maybe even some new friends (I met a wonderful book club there).

Sincerely wishing you the best - please check back in with us and let us know how you're doing.

Saturday, May 05, 2007, 11:57 PM

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OP Here

Thank you so much for your kind words everyone, I can't even begin to tell you how much it helps. Right now I'm leaning towards staying where I am (NYC) and I'm looking for apartments. My dad is retired and he will come up to help me look or move or anything...all I have to do is say the word. I guess right now I'm just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

On the plus side, I can't eat much of anything so yay calorie reduction!

Sunday, May 06, 2007, 7:49 AM

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WTF, you move to a new city to be with your bf and he dumps you without warning before you get a paycheck. Honey, I would not cry over this guy. And I would, respectfully, ask him for a month's rent, at least as a loan. I know there are people on this list who will jump all over me for this, but.... He's not acting ethically if he's suddenly leaving you without a means of support for a month. Point this out to him.

But definitely don't move back home with Mom and Dad. You're not a child, I assume, and reassuming the role of one will not make you feel better.

Sunday, May 06, 2007, 7:50 AM

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i agree w/ 7:50. when i moved out after living & sharing bills with my ex, i asked him for first, last, security on my next place! he gave me half. we didn't work as a couple, but he wasn't a total d**k and knew i didn't make nearly what he did. i second the CL apartment-idea. taking someone's place in an apt is a lot cheaper than finding a whole new place on your own.

Sunday, May 06, 2007, 7:56 AM

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Good riddens to Bad News! Let I will survive be your theme song! I will lift you up in pray. You sound like you have good parents It will all work out.One day you will meet someone so much better then him and you will be grateful He let you go.

Sunday, May 06, 2007, 9:47 AM

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Take advantage of the help your parents are willing to give you BUT stay put. NYC is full of people with lots of character and if you reach out you are bound to make a few friends. As for you ex, I agree you should ask him to help you out until you can find a place and your new job starts paying you. He was with you for 6 years, he should care enough about you to do this. Did he give you a reason for breaking up? How long were you there before he did this? Where are you living now? And why do you have to be the one to move out, I mean if he's breaking up with you let him move and make sure you don't leave anything behind. This is also a good forum to meet people who are near you. Find a group or team of NY and see if any of them are interested in meeting up with you. Where in the city do you live?

Sunday, May 06, 2007, 1:37 PM

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OP Here

He says he will do whatever he can to help me, financially or whatever. We have about 8000 in a joint savings account and he says I can have it all. To answer 1:37's questions:

1. he broke up with me because he says realized we want different lifestyles. Among other things he realized in the last 10 days that he never wants to get married or have kids (i do).

2. I've been here in NYC living with him for pretty much exactly a year, but we've been together for 6 years.

3. We are still living in the same apartment until I can find a new place.

4. I have to move because I would be unable to pay this rent, even with my new salary. He makes 3x what I will make and 4x what I have made in the last year.

5. I live in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I'm looking for apartments in Brooklyn, Queens, and Manhattan. Unfortunately, I can't really have a roommate because I have a rescued dog that is high maintenance (and my biggest comfort right now). So, although it would make the most sense financially for me to move in with other people, I'm only going to consider it as a last resort.

As far as meeting people, I'm hoping to find a friend at my new job and I have joined a couple of meetup groups. I spoke to my parents this afternoon and told them I'm staying here and they were not happy at all and could not understand my decision, but they are trying to be supportive.

All in all, I'm sure its for the best, but I just wish I could fast forward a year from now and skip most of the pain. Its really one of the worst things I have ever felt (right up there with kidney stones, appendicitis, and blown kneecap).

Thank you again, Everyone.

Sunday, May 06, 2007, 6:51 PM

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"no man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry"

Monday, May 07, 2007, 5:16 AM

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I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I agree that you should do what you can to stay on your own (good for you on the rescued dog!!). However I hope, after some time , you will have learned the very painful lesson of being your own woman and not depending on a man for survival. It is unfortunately a lesson few women learn early on, myself included. I went through something similar when I was in my 20's and I learned that I have to be able to stand on my own 2 feet, financially, emotionally, socially.

NYC is a big city with lots of people...get out there and meet some. Find a group, organization, gym, anything that shares your interests. It is probably impossible to see this right now but this could be the best thing that ever happened to you. It may very well be the start of the rest of your fabulous life. Good luck. We're pulling for you.

Monday, May 07, 2007, 9:15 AM

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Op, how did your first day on the new job go?

Monday, May 07, 2007, 2:32 PM

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OP Here

My first day went pretty well, thanks for asking. I managed to hold it together the entire day (a BIG accomplishment for me) and I managed to not tell anyone I just got dumped (another BIG accomplishment). Of course, as soon as I got on the subway to go home I had to fight back the tears. I'm home now, in bed with my dog, trying desperately not to wallow, and not really succeeding.

Monday, May 07, 2007, 5:36 PM

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Wallow some. You made it though a big day, your under a lot of stress if you can't take one afternoon do de-stress with your pooch when can you.

Monday, May 07, 2007, 5:54 PM

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You made it through your day and you made it home - that's something to be proud of! It was probably a very good decision not burden your new co-workers with a major trauma in your personal life too soon (I hope that didn't come across as harsh because I don't mean for it to be).

For tonight I'd be doing the exact same thing. Hug your puppy and have a cry. Tomorrow you can turn your face forward and go on a little more.

::hugs::

Monday, May 07, 2007, 6:30 PM

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be strong girl, we're all pulling for you! i'm already proud of you for staying put, going through a first day at a new job (which is tough on it's own), talking to your ex about the finances and coming up with a solution and facing tomorrow as a stronger person. you can do it, everyday you will get stronger and you'll always have friends here...

Monday, May 07, 2007, 9:25 PM

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you are in NYC so, if on the way home today you need to talk about what ails you, just start talking to the person next to you on the subway. maybe he/she will listen or maybe they'll move, but you can still try.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007, 8:50 AM

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I guess I'm the only one who feels this way, but, if things are so rough, I don't see why going home to your parents is such a bad idea. If you don't have friends in NYC, and you don't have an apartment, and you don't have the boy, then what is the city offering you? Of course, if you want to stay, and stick it out, good for you. But, I'm just not sure what's so bad about going back to what's familiar, where you at least have a strong support structure, to start over? You kind of have to start over either way.

I love New York, and big cities in general (I live in downtown Chicago), but, New York isn't an easy place to be poor and friendless, nevermind depressed about a bad breakup! Don't be ashamed if you need to go home! It's good to know that you have the option!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007, 9:58 AM

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on the other hand, this is your opporunity to step up and face life's woes head-on! it is probably not going to be the last time you will encounter hardship. it may not be the last time someone breaks up with you. learn to live through it rather than run home to hide from where your life and where your decisions have brought you. showing courage when facing adversity isn't just brave, it's self-empowering and opens you up to experiencing real life. you can write a book about it all once you have gotten through this rough time and inspire others who are facing similar dilemmas.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007, 10:13 AM

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OP Again

I'm looking at an apartment tomorrow night...it looks perfect but its a little out of my budget. I'm thinking I can use the savings to make up the difference until I start making commissions through my job. The new job is really helping take my mind off things and so are the logistics of moving. I'm sure as soon as I have to spend my first night alone in my new place the reality will set in, but I'm trying to get myself angry at him. All the times he told me i need to eat less and dress cuter, when he told me he's ashamed to be seen with me, the time he cheated on me 4 years ago, when he gets angry and punches holes in the walls, when he swears at me and calls me names, when I was so sick I had to spend the night on the bathroom floor and he got mad at me and wouldnt turn off the light or let me lay down, I'm starting to focus on those. I don't know if its healthy or not, but I think it will help to not dwell on the good times. (And, for the record, I know how crappy all those things were and that I should have left HIM and I'm better off now, but - please - no judgments.)

Tuesday, May 08, 2007, 9:46 PM

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wow, OP, that's heavy duty. YOU have a guardian angel looking out for you who "convinced" your bf to move on, "gave" you an interesting challenging job in the nick of time, and I'm sure you will find a good place to live. If your finances are tight, then count that as lucky, too, because you will not be tempted to buy junk food and will meet your weight loss goals easier. Yes, indeedy, you are actually a very lucky girl! We're pulling for you!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007, 10:42 PM

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You have definitely had someone looking out for you. And now you have all of us.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007, 7:33 AM

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OP, I've been there. And I thank the jerk for breaking up with me. i couldn't have done it, but I'm so glad he did. I have a feeling it won't take you too long to get to that place too.

Also, it is great that you've got a new job and will get a new place. Looks like a new chapter for you, and isn't it full of awesome potential! :)

Wednesday, May 09, 2007, 7:58 PM

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OP I'm getting to where you are now, only after 8 years and too many upheavals (including him threatening to leave), I am ready for change. Finally. He's cheated, punched holes in walls...never been calloused or called me names but the former problems are bad enough. Has done a good job in many cases of convincing me all our problems are somehow my fault. I'm fabulous, I'm getting healthier by the day...the point is I'm no longer willing to accept "less than." Let that anger roll right in!
xoxo

Wednesday, May 09, 2007, 11:21 PM

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If you're short on cash for a bit, there are some easy ways to make quick money if you live in a big city. My husband and I try to participate in things like focus groups (can find listings at www.findfocusgroups.com, or sometimes on Craigslist in the ETC jobs); sometimes they'll pay like $100 cash for giving your opinions for an hour and a half. And I've gotten some random babysitting jobs through Craigslist too (but you've got to be careful - meet the people first, in public, and be sure that their apartment is somewhere you feel safe going, being, and coming home from, late at night.) People will pay a lot of money in NYC for a Saturday night sitter, too, and if you don't know many people, it'll at least be a distraction from not having any plans.

Good luck!

Thursday, May 10, 2007, 3:07 PM

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you could probably wear a sign that says, "help me afford to leave my controlling boyfriend" and people will give to your cause. the fact that he waited until you relocated to break up with you is indicative of some sort of control problem on his part. if i saw you with a sign like that asking for money, i'd give you a twenty!

Thursday, May 10, 2007, 3:26 PM

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wow!

I just decided to read through this posting...for whatever reason, & I am so wonderfully surprised at the loving kindness of strangers. This is just so beautiful to see someone reach out for help & recieve it! Thank you, you guys have helped me to feel better today about the world that we live in. I am so glad that we can really be a powerful inspiration in the lives of others all over the world!

Thursday, May 17, 2007, 11:49 AM

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HEY, OP!!

how are you doing?

Thursday, May 17, 2007, 11:54 AM

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regarding moving back home

i realize that option is pretty much out for you, OP, but just in case it resurfaces, I want to let you know that I just did that very thing and I am quickly learning that your problems follow you. I was living in Chicago but was incredibly unhappy, so I moved back to my hometown in Texas. It's wonderful being close to my family again, but I still struggle with the same issues as I did in Chicago. The answer is not in where we live, who we're with or what we do for a living...the answer is learning to be happy with ourselves, regardless of all those other circumstances. OH, and I agree with 11:49 - what kind people on this website! Now I know I can get support for anything...not just my weight loss!!!!!

Thursday, May 17, 2007, 12:04 PM

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Sorry to hear you are going through this! Find a simple starting point - You need $$ - ask mom & dad for a loan to get you though this tough time - show them you are a strong & independent woman - yet also show them they are needed- no matter what stage or age in life you are. Get the loan and pay them back in payments - maybe even pay them a little more back.. The B/f - is gone - start your new phase in life- new job and such - go out enjoy things- don't sit and dwell about your situation - you are better than that!!! There are many men in the world to choose from - but for now - Take Care of YOU!

Wishing you the best that life has to offer... Lifecoach

Thursday, May 17, 2007, 12:16 PM

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I just saw this thread as well and am overwhelmed with the goodness and kindness that has been shown here!

My thoughts and prayers are with you OP, let us know how you are!


Thursday, May 17, 2007, 2:09 PM

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OP Here

It's been 6 months and I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I'm doing really fantastic.

I love my new apartment
I love my new job
I love being single
I'm losing weight (and feeling great! haha)
I haven't had any contact with my ex since June (when I found out he had been cheating on me)
I've made some really strong friendships and have a great support network

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words and support, this community is absolutely fantastic!

Friday, October 26, 2007, 2:41 PM

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Bravo! So proud of you!
Guess it goes to the old saying: what doesnt kill us only makes us stronger!

You're an inspiration!

Friday, October 26, 2007, 2:54 PM

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Wooooo Hoooooo! I am so happy to know that you are kickin butt out there!
You Rock!

Friday, October 26, 2007, 3:19 PM

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a woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Friday, October 26, 2007, 3:53 PM

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I am so happy to hear your success!!! You will look back and appreciate the pain to get to where you are!! Stay strong, stay happy!! Good for you!!!

Friday, October 26, 2007, 4:14 PM

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May 05, 2007, 11:57 PM poster here.. OP - thanks for updating us :-) I remember this thread and am so glad to hear that you're doing well. Your situation struck a strong chord in all of us and you were (and are) in the thoughts of many people. It's awesome to hear that you have found community and work that is fufilling

Living well is truly the best revenge
(and the irony is once you are living well, you pass the need to get revenge and then you can be truly gracious which is even worse ;-) )

Friday, October 26, 2007, 4:40 PM

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OP, we're so proud of you! Keep going, keep being good to yourself, keep us posted.

xoxoxoxo

Friday, October 26, 2007, 6:49 PM

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