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Sex and Weight Issues

I've been married for 12 years and have 4 kids. Despite all this, I'm still very self conscious about my body. I feel unattractive and therefore do not get excited about sex because I don't want my husband to see me. I spend more time trying to suck in my stomach or reposition myself so I will look better to him. It seems rediculous given the fact he has never said or done anything to make me feel unattractive. I'm heavy for me right now - 190 pounds on 5'8" body. I feel good at 160 pounds and that is what I'm working towards. Do you think men/husbands do pay attention and notice their wives 20-30 extra pounds or do you think they don't really care and just love you anyway. Should I just let it all hang out and be wild for him or hold tight until I'm where I want to be?

Wed. May 30, 5:09pm

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let it all hang out be wild wild. You'll make your man happy, make yourself happy, burn extra calories, release the feel good hormones which help to reduce stress. I'm sure he loves your soul as well as your body. With all the happiness around even your kids will benefit. Go for not weight (pun intended) for a better body.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 5:24 PM

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I think men don't notice nearly as much as you think they do, in regards to your body. Men love curves and soft. My husband thinks he's really cute when he defines "girl" as "soft, smells nice." So, be that. Soft and smelling good. Let it all hang out and enjoy yourself. Guys are much more interested in how much you're enjoying it, and how much you let loose, than how much "extra" you might have!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 5:26 PM

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You've been married for 12 years- assuming he has been faithful to you throughout your marriage, you have to think realistically where else is he going to be able to have sex and whom with if it's not with you? Sure, 20-30 extra lbs is not making you feel attractive but he is your husband and if he's going to have sex it's going to be with you so I say get over it and just keep working on your goals.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 5:27 PM

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I know this isn't going to be reassuring, but it's different for different people. For example, my current bf is into slim & athletic (I am not overweight.) but in a previous relationship he was in, his partner became very heavy. His comment on this? "When you love someone, it doesn't matter how heavy they are -- you still love them."

I, on the other hand, was previously in a relationship with a guy who put on 50 pounds in the year I was dating him. I must admit that I lost all inclination to sleep with him -- and I mean even _sleep_, since it made him snore terribly! And you know what? I never said anything to him about his weight, just let the relationship fall apart.

So really, depends on what kind of person your husband is. But you are on the right track if you are here -- follow through & lose the weight, and then that worry will be gone. You can do it!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 5:55 PM

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"current boyfriend" vs. "husband of 12 years" - I don't think this is a good comparison. Does anyone else see the foolishness here?

But anyway - to my point...
Lady, let it loose and enjoy some sex!! And let your husband enjoy it!! You've been together 12 years - you have 4 kids - you love each other! Marriages NEED sex to thrive. Yes, I said it. And I'll say it again. Marriages NEED sex to thrive!!
If/when you lose weight, your confidence will make it even better, but don't make either you or your husband wait until that time. By then you could be strangers.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 8:40 PM

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never in the history of ever has a man been focused on the way a woman looks during sex.its about him getting what he wants,and if he happens to give you what you want in the process then even better.belive me if he wants it your doing something let it be and if you belive you look good then you will.dont you have days that you feal great about your self,well take that attitude and use it everyday.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 8:41 PM

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oh - and sex IS a great workout!
On days when I don't get in any exercise, I feel like sex is a double bonus! Fun AND healthy!!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 8:41 PM

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to 8:40-"current boyfriend" may not mean something short-term or frivolous. My current boyfriend and I have been together for years and I intend to stay with him forever-the fact that we aren't "married" is irrelevant. The time spent together is important and I think the poster who mentioned her current boyfriend was trying to boost the OP's self esteem and give her some advice. No sense in being bitchy about it.

OP-your man loves you with or without the weight! Yes he will notice when you lose it, but be assured that he finds you sexy and attractive just as you are!! Have fun!!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 10:05 PM

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If YOU want to go wild, go wild.

Don't do it for someone else, do it for yourself. (uninhibited sex is great, you should have it no matter your size or shape.)


Wednesday, May 30, 2007, 10:45 PM

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may 30, 8:40
Just because she wasnt married doesnt make her point any less relevant. Yes you need sex to thrive but you need sexual attraction to even want to have sex. I notice when my ex's have gained weight and it isnt attractive. It kind of disgusts me in fact. I dont like fat on my body so of course i dont like it on others either. I say have crazy sex ya but to keep losing weight for you and for him. Slobs repulse me

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 5:16 AM

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5:55 here!

Obviously I wasn't clear! (1) note that I was not talking about my bf in the context of our relationship, but in the context of HIS former relationship, which was long-term & serious.
(2) If your husband is like my bf, and it sounds like he is, he loves you no matter what weight you are. If you want to lose weight, he'll probably support you in your effort.
(3) If your husband is shallow, like me, you might have more of a problem. But since you've been married 12 years, I doubt that's the case.

And another thing -- guys pretty much ubiquitously joke that getting married ruins their sex life with their partner. I'd say that most men would MUCH rather have a slightly (30 pounds is not that bad!) overweight partner who loves to have sex and is uninhibited than a partner with 15% body fat who is like "don't touch me!" That you want to do it, and that you are concerned about what he likes makes you sexy all by itself!

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 7:22 AM

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I'd have to disagree with the majority of people who think that your husband will love you no matter what you weigh in at, and therefore you should not feel bad having sex. But I hope I am wrong. I can only speak from experience. When my husband and I met, I was about 20 pounds UNDERweight. After being together for 11 years, I had 2 children and put on a considerable amount of weight, part from fertility drugs, part from pregnancies, part from just gaining it. He would start hanging out later at work, avoiding me at home and even left a family vacation early! When I asked him what was up, he told me that he was not attracted to me anymore, that he was not in love with me, I had gained too much weight since we met. He didn't want a divorce because of the kids, but he said that he didn't want to sleep with me. He would eventually get it someplace else. Talk about a shock!! I went through a wide range of emotions from wanting to diet to feeling like "screw him, this is me, like it or leave". The one thing I kept coming back to was the fact that I was unhappy with how I looked as well, so how could I expect him to be happy about it? Of course, after he told me the truth, he felt bad and wanted to have sex!! And I told him to go to hell I should point out that we did stay together, I lost a bunch of weight (for me, not him), had 2 more children, just had our 13 year wedding anniversary and I weigh more now then I did when I went in the hospital to deliver any of my kids! Am I happy? No. Although my husband has never said anything, I always feel like he's thinking the same things he admitted to years ago. In the meantime, I am back trying to lose the weight. For me, not him. Good luck.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 10:03 AM

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10:03 -sorry about your marriage and issues with your husband . . .but it sounds like the OP 's husband still wants to have sex with her and the issue is whether she should hold back or not. While your story is very sad and probably true for a lot of people, I don't think it is what the OP needs to hear!

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 10:54 AM

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I think he would probably enjoy sex more if you were into it vs being somewhere else during it. Let go and enjoy! I am overweight (I weighed 100 less than I do now when I met my husband) and the only reason he agrees that I should lose weight is because he is worried about my health. And I get extremely bitchy when I am getting dressed to go somewhere nice because I have so many cute skinny clothes but I have to wear fat clothes that don't look good on anyone...
Back to my point - he is still as attracted to me as ever and enjoys sex with me because I enjoy it with him. When I was pregnant, I never wanted to have sex (and sometimes it actually was very uncomfortable) and it did some damage to our relationship when I would have "mercy sex" with my husband just to please him. Sex is important to a healthy marriage. You will do your husband (and your marriage) a favor by getting over your body image.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 6:17 PM

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He is your husband of 12 years and you have 4 kids together and you think he might not like the way you look. If there is anything he wouldn't like it would be your body image and you beating yourself up over it. In reality he probably thinks that you are the most beautiful woman in the world. I think sex in a marrage keeps the intamacy alive. Start seeing yourself as the beautiful woman that you are. Go treat yourself to a nice day. Maybe a manicure, pedicure, and buy a nice nightie that makes you feel sexy. Make a special night for you and him. If you need him to tell how he feels ask him to. Men are not mind readers. My bet is you will find out that he thinks you are sexy and wishes you would too. Get wild girl!!!

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 7:20 PM

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I'm the OP and I love reading your thoughts. Thanks. It helps me.

Thursday, May 31, 2007, 10:26 PM

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what you just wrote hit home......I struggle with alot

Tuesday, March 17, 2009, 5:49 AM

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