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Anyone else have jealousy problems? What do you think about this?

I don't know if I am "normal" or "overly jealous". Here is the situation: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. We are in our late 20s. We live in GA and he is from VA. He likes to talk a lot and sometimes tells me more information then I wish I knew about his past- such as- that he slept with this girl he was friends with since at least high school (she is the best friend of one of his exes). I don't know when exactly, but it had to be 2+ years ago. Anyway, they are still friends. She lives in AL or somewhere like that and is married with a kid, however, she is a very pretty thin blonde and she leaves scandalous photo messages on his myspace board such as photos of women w/ panties around their ankles w/ "Just dropping by to say hi" and women raising a glass to toast with a quote "Friday is casual sex day". I find this very disrespectful since he is in a committed relationship and it has sexual overtones- and is being sent between a woman and a man. I think it is also inappropriate of her since she is married. He says she is just joking around and doesn't mean anything by it and that he does not like her like that. I don't want to be a controlling bitch girlfriend who is like "You can't talk to your friend you've known for years" when I've only known him 8 months- however- this morning he left his e-mail up and I saw a reply from her to him w/ his subject title "You are going to get my ass in trouble" asking her to stop w/ the "goofy" photo comments and just say hi to him or whatever or she is going to get him in trouble (with me obviously b/c I asked him about it) and especially if they are going to be back in VA at the same time and she wants to see him- then saying he will see what he can do (about seeing her when they are home because she wants to see him). This makes me feel sick. I don't know of him planning any trip home to VA yet. I don't know if he will invite me or if he will tell me he plans on seeing her. He is very adamant that he was raised by women and would never cheat on someone. Am I just being overly jealous/immature/insecure? What should I do?

Fri. Jun 8, 10:24am

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i'd say, given the information that you provided, that you are going to drive yourself crazy if you continue to focus on his relationships with his friends, male or female, instead of focusing on your self and your own friends. the fact that he even addressed the issue of the sexy, comedic pictures with his friend shows a lot of respect for your feelings while at the same time remaining true to himself. if this friendship is your only cause of alarm, i'd say give him the benefit of the doubt. have you yourself ever had a friendship with a man? if not, maybe that's why your tensions are up a bit. i have many male friends, married and otherwise, and although it can sometimes require a little explanation to a new boyfriend, it is not a problem. just because his friend may have a different style of humor is no reason to suspect he's cheating or planning to. i mean he could have just started dating her at any time before, right? why would he wait until he started dating you to pursue her?

Friday, June 08, 2007, 10:37 AM

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if they were just friends I would be ok with it. It is the fact that I know they have slept together in the past that makes it bother me.

Friday, June 08, 2007, 10:42 AM

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for some people, not all people but some, casual sex between friends is just something that happens sometimes. like getting too drunk and throwing up in front of someone or having a hysterical crying fit in front of someone. it's just something, usually an intimate thing but not always, that happened between them. and the fact that they did not turn their hook-up into a relationshiop shows that they are not interested in each other that way. i know that during times when i have been single and a friend has been single and we have been hanging out, there has been an occassion where we just "did it" and it meant nothing more. it's safer than jumping into bed with a stranger when you just want a little booty. i think you should relax and maybe try to remove your values from the situation. if it turns out that your value system cannot handle dating a guy who would have casual sex with a friend while they were both single, maybe you need to reevaluate the dating pool you are drawing from. no offense meant, just my viewpoint.

Friday, June 08, 2007, 10:53 AM

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Silly sexy pictures that are NOT of her? No problem - all kinds of people send me those things, including relatives.

As for the visit..."we'll see" is the kind of thing we all say when we're trying to say no without causing offense. Sounds like you're on solid ground with your bf - you didn't ask him to not see her anymore, and yet he's clearly trying to do exactly that. For you.

Friday, June 08, 2007, 10:57 AM

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Ok. I understand your point. I guess sex just usually means more to me. Since they have had sex in the past, does that not make it more likely that it could happen again if they are both in their home town w/o their significant others and go out and get drunk? Would I be wrong to say that I am ok with him seeing her but there have to be other people present and/or out in public and not the two of them alone at a house? Not that there's any way I could verify that other than taking his word for it but he hasn't done anything that I know of to make me not trust him. I am just uncomfortable with the situation. I was dating someone before we were dating and broke up with him when I met my boyfriend b/c it wasn't going anywhere. That guy still wanted to be friends and wanted to come over and hang out one night, but I follow the same standards for myself. I told him I thought it would be inappropriate b/c I have a boyfriend now and we have slept together in the past. I told him I could meet him for lunch out somewhere, but he can't come hang out at my place.

Friday, June 08, 2007, 11:08 AM

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there have definitely been guys with whom i was friends and then we had a casual sex encounter. at no time did i want to be the girlfriend to any of these guys and i'm sure it was a mutual feeling. and it did not increase my desire to be with any of these guys, because i did not have that desire to begin with. generally, having casual sex with a friend can either make or break the friendship. for me, it usually made my friendships more solid as JUST friendships. once or twice it ruined the friendship entirely, but usually it was just a crazy thing that guys and girls can do together. if anything, they've gotten it out of their systems....i would not try to understand the situation as much as i would try to BE understanding of the situation. as for you taking certain steps to ensure the integrity of your relationship, good for you! that's the way you are. i don't think it would be fair to ask that your boyfriend be any different than he naturally is, and that is to remain friends with a person who started out as a friend and has remained a friend. i can see your frustration, but it doesn't mean that you're a jealous b*tch, it shows that you care. i just thing that if you continue to measure his behavior against your own behavior, you will come up with more questions than answers. you are from different places and have had different experiences, but now you are together. maybe try to focus more on the here-and-now and try not to speculate too much about his intentions with his friend.

Friday, June 08, 2007, 11:30 AM

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Thanks. That is what I am trying to do. I am just having a little trouble based on experiences from past relationships, but I am trying to keep in mind that my now boyfriend is a good guy and thus far hasn't given me any reason to doubt that.

Friday, June 08, 2007, 11:35 AM

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good for you for seeking advice and looking at your situation from a different angle!! in the past, i would have just flown off the handle and accused and shouted and been an all-around b*tch about this type of thing. but, where did that leave me? alone and feeling like i could not control myself. now, i try to do a little question asking, even if it's from strangers, to gain a bit of perspective about things. maybe someday you will share with your boyfriend the trepidation you had about his friend and share a good laugh! i wish you continued success!

Friday, June 08, 2007, 11:40 AM

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I understand why this is bothering you, it would bother me too! I would trust him though. The fact that he is telling her to stop saying things like that means alot, it means that he cares too much about your relationship to have it ruined by a woman who says inappropriate things. It obviously is bothering him too. And about going to VA, he should def. invite you the next time he goes there! Keep smiling, it will be ok!

Friday, June 08, 2007, 11:43 AM

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i think his telling you all about her shows a lot of respect towards you. imagine if you did not know anything about her, he went home to visit, saw her, came back and then told you all about her!! that would make any person a bit mad! it sounds like he's just the kind of guy that keeps women friends as well as men friends.

Friday, June 08, 2007, 11:48 AM

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