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advice on friendship

I have a close friend whom I have had a friendship with going on 8 years now, since the beginning of high school. She has always been the closest friend (I find it hard to make close friends) I have had in my life and can tell anything to. However, the problem is that throughout our friendship I have been annoyed at the things she does to me. She often makes mean, sarcastic comments to me and flakes out on me. This past year, I finally revealed how I feel, and she fired by back saying that I am overreacting, blah, blah. She even said she's a sarcastic person but that's a big difference between sarcasm and mean comments. Well, I just decided to forget about it, but I am still bothered by it and I don't feel like should be treated like this. This past year, she moved on to the campus housing (I live at home) and made a lot of close friends. I don't know them, but I do know that she probably treats them with more respect than she does with me because I don't think anyone would want to be treated like this.

I need advice. Any of you have had friends like this? I just don't know what to do. I realize that I continue on with the friendship because I really don't have any close friends to turn to and talk with. I have spoken with my psychologist about this and she shakes her head when I have given her specific examples of what she's said or done to me, but I want to hear others opinion of this.

Thank you!

Sun. Jun 24, 8:49pm

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I used to have a friend like that. For 8 years, I used to cry because it hurt to have someone who I truly cared about as a friend fire at me like that. Even my family felt uneasy about her. My reply was always, "She's my best friend though, and I am not gonna just drop her! She's still there for me!" But the truth was that she was never REALLY "there" for me. It just made me feel better to think she was. I was unhappy as her friend. Things got worse because I would try arguing back at her. Finally, I just said "whatever" and I walked away. It was hard. It was probably taking me years to do. But WOW did it feel good. For a really long while I had no one really to confide in. It was tough. But honestly, I was happier.. I felt good about what I did.. I felt like a new person. You should never rely on anyone else for ur own happiness. No one deserves to feel badly about themselves. We are all worth everything to ourselves. I still don't have a 'bestfriend' per say. But I met good people. And a few just good people in your life is better than one bad "best friend". Obviously it's hard to throw away the 8 years u spent together as friends, but things change. And change is the only thing that keeps us sane. I feel so good about myself since that day I decided to walk away. I was sick of trying to tell her sincerely how I felt. Now, I realize, she's the one at a loss. You are a good person, and if she doesn't see that, then that's just too bad.

Sunday, June 24, 2007, 9:17 PM

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Yes, girls can be this way. Some of them. Just believe in yourself, be confident, meet new people, be active in everyway you can. Become interested in different things, learn, work, get more hobbies, go hiking, biking, paint, knit, whatever!

Do things for yourself. Keep it light with this person. Eventually it will either fade away or she will smarten up.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 11:43 AM

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I'm sure you've heard the remark "with a friend like that, who needs enemies". Well, I'm pretty sure that fits for your friend. Friends are suppose to encourage, support, and inspire you; not degrade you. If your friend doesn't care about you enough to change her behavior after you told her how you felt, then you need to find a new friend.
Something I've noticed about friendships like yours, you both provide a purpose to one another. You're her human punching bag, and she's someone that is occasionally there for you. You mentioned that she flakes out on you a lot, what if you started flaking out on her? What if you started making sarcastic comments about her? I'm not saying you should, I'm just saying that I'm certain if you treated her the way she treats you; she wouldn't be taking it like you are.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 11:51 AM

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Thank you so much for those of you replied. I really appreciate the time you took out to help a stranger out!

While reading some of your comments, I noticed I was justifying and making things up to back up my friend in my mind. For example, one of you guys said that she is occasionally there for me, and in my mind I was thinking "but she has been there for me...even tho she does put me down"....see, I'm like justifying...I guess because I want to believe that I should continue on with the friendship.

Also, what this same poster said really struck something in me- "If your friend doesn't care about you enough to change her behavior after you told her how you felt, then you need to find a new friend." That is pretty powerful statement and something I should think about.

Thank you so much and good luck with your goals!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 10:43 PM

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I had a "friend" like that... only I met her when I was 3 and she was 2. We lived a few houses away from each other. She was pretty mean most of the time... and coated it with nice when it suited her. SInce there was no one else around, I took it. She accompanied me on trips to amusement parks and other activities with my church youth group (no one there went to school with me though) We went to different schools until highschool. I had no other friends to speak of and in my Junior year was estatic to find out that I might have someone to eat with at lunch if we had the same lunch period. She sat down with me one day that summer before my Junior year and said that she was not going to tell people we were friends. Talk about being kicked in the gut. That was the first real clue that hit me that I did not need her as any kind of "friend" in my life. I withdrew.. not calling her. When she would call me... I would barely talk and just let her blather on about all the guys she "claimed" or thought were hot... then excuse myself from the phone. I found some other friends and made plans (this was in my senior year) for prom with them. She had always claimed that she wanted to go to prom with me. I find out later after some prom pictures come out that she was sad we did not go together. She wanted to "talk"- which I knew consisted of me not getting one word in edgwise. So I offered for her to read a paper I had written for English class on our relationship. She would not read it. She needed the confrontation more than wanting to know what was wrong and possibly changing.

A few years ago (5?) I found her e-mail address. I tried writing and just saying "hey." Kinda forgive all kinda moment. She really did not write back after the initial "Oh, wow, it is you." So.... do I think she ever changed? not banking on it.

Find some new friends that will respect you for who you are. You are worth more than what she is dishing out... way more.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 11:22 PM

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I have a best friend who has a best friend like this. Whenever she would tell me the things her friend said to her about her and how she treated her I just could never understand why she was friends with her, she always gave me the excuse that it was her best gal pal n she didn't have ne one else to be her gal pal like that, I told her I'd gladly be it and she never took up the offer. Her friend told her mom things such as "she left school early so she could go screw her fiance till her award ceramony started" and "she had an ungreatful bitch for a daughter" her mother and mother in law will not allow her into their home and I don't blame them, my opinion is no one deserves to be treated that way. and if their a TRUE friend they wouldn't treat you that way in the first place. I think you should get out of the friendship while you can. the longer u stay in it the more and more she will bring you down and you don't deserve it. As far as not haven n e one else close to you.. you have all of us women here at PT for support and if no one else I'll b here to talk to, untill you can find someone... trust me it's much better than being talked down to!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 1:56 AM

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11:22 SAYS

I'll 2nd 1:56 :D

Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 8:28 AM

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"Fair Weathered" Friend?

I have a friend, who in-person is a very sweet person. She never says a mean thing and I have known her for the past 10 years. We went to College and even worked in the same office for a while before we got married (to different guys ;)) and I moved out of town.
I had always thought of her as my good friend as we had a lot in common and talked a lot. The issue is, she doesn’t seem to care much once I have moved out of town. Has this happened to anyone? I always felt she had this tendency to hang around with people who are accessible rather than maintain friendships. She’s shown these “Fair-Weathered Friend” traits to a few other people before, but I never though she would be that way to me.
We both have busy lives but I have tried calling her/mailing her and I occasionally get a mail. We met a couple of months ago and it felt like nothing has changed. We bonded in a minute. But after we returned home and I tried reaching her, it was the same “Fair-Weathered Friend”
I think I have wasted a lot of time thinking about our friendship. I don’t know if it’s worth it. Any one with a similar experience?

Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 9:41 AM

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Thanks so much for your replies! It means so much.

9:41-- I don't think I've ever had a friendship like that, so I don't know what to say. Hopefully someone else will read your post and reply. All I can say is perhaps you can ask her about a casual email? Tell her your friendship means a lot and you'd like to keep in touch on a regular basis rather than once a year or so. I don't think asking that would sound intrusive.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 1:30 PM

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I rea;;y enjoyed this thread- I have been dealing with almost the EXACT same thing. I am 22, I have been best friends with one of my friends since the beginning of highschool- and it just clearly is not working out anymore. She cant stand the fact that I have a boyfriend ( who is SO sweet and treats me WAY better than she ever did) and is nasty to both of us most of the time. However, I defend her.. absed on the fun we used to have and occasionally still do. However, she upsets me more then she makes me happy. We lived together this past year of school and things really came to a head. Not only would I be a little sad to throw away pur friendship, but we are also friends eith all the same friends so things would be akward for everyone and I feel as though I would no longer hang out with any of them and be "out of the loop." But sometimes I think my life would be better off without her. I just dont know! The thing that bothers me the most is she is so nice to everyone else except me- I am the one she knows she can be rude too. Dont get me wrong I am rude back sometimes but it kills me to see other peopl;e think she is so sweet and fun when I am so frustrated!! Help!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 2:50 PM

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