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advice on friendship
I have a close friend whom I have had a friendship with going on 8 years now, since the beginning of high school. She has always been the closest friend (I find it hard to make close friends) I have had in my life and can tell anything to. However, the problem is that throughout our friendship I have been annoyed at the things she does to me. She often makes mean, sarcastic comments to me and flakes out on me. This past year, I finally revealed how I feel, and she fired by back saying that I am overreacting, blah, blah. She even said she's a sarcastic person but that's a big difference between sarcasm and mean comments. Well, I just decided to forget about it, but I am still bothered by it and I don't feel like should be treated like this. This past year, she moved on to the campus housing (I live at home) and made a lot of close friends. I don't know them, but I do know that she probably treats them with more respect than she does with me because I don't think anyone would want to be treated like this.
I need advice. Any of you have had friends like this? I just don't know what to do. I realize that I continue on with the friendship because I really don't have any close friends to turn to and talk with. I have spoken with my psychologist about this and she shakes her head when I have given her specific examples of what she's said or done to me, but I want to hear others opinion of this.
Sun. Jun 24, 8:49pm
I used to have a friend like that. For 8 years, I used to cry because it hurt to have someone who I truly cared about as a friend fire at me like that. Even my family felt uneasy about her. My reply was always, "She's my best friend though, and I am not gonna just drop her! She's still there for me!" But the truth was that she was never REALLY "there" for me. It just made me feel better to think she was. I was unhappy as her friend. Things got worse because I would try arguing back at her. Finally, I just said "whatever" and I walked away. It was hard. It was probably taking me years to do. But WOW did it feel good. For a really long while I had no one really to confide in. It was tough. But honestly, I was happier.. I felt good about what I did.. I felt like a new person. You should never rely on anyone else for ur own happiness. No one deserves to feel badly about themselves. We are all worth everything to ourselves. I still don't have a 'bestfriend' per say. But I met good people. And a few just good people in your life is better than one bad "best friend". Obviously it's hard to throw away the 8 years u spent together as friends, but things change. And change is the only thing that keeps us sane. I feel so good about myself since that day I decided to walk away. I was sick of trying to tell her sincerely how I felt. Now, I realize, she's the one at a loss. You are a good person, and if she doesn't see that, then that's just too bad.
Sunday, June 24, 2007, 9:17 PM
Yes, girls can be this way. Some of them. Just believe in yourself, be confident, meet new people, be active in everyway you can. Become interested in different things, learn, work, get more hobbies, go hiking, biking, paint, knit, whatever!
Do things for yourself. Keep it light with this person. Eventually it will either fade away or she will smarten up.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 11:43 AM
I'm sure you've heard the remark "with a friend like that, who needs enemies". Well, I'm pretty sure that fits for your friend. Friends are suppose to encourage, support, and inspire you; not degrade you. If your friend doesn't care about you enough to change her behavior after you told her how you felt, then you need to find a new friend.
Something I've noticed about friendships like yours, you both provide a purpose to one another. You're her human punching bag, and she's someone that is occasionally there for you. You mentioned that she flakes out on you a lot, what if you started flaking out on her? What if you started making sarcastic comments about her? I'm not saying you should, I'm just saying that I'm certain if you treated her the way she treats you; she wouldn't be taking it like you are.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 11:51 AM
Thank you so much for those of you replied. I really appreciate the time you took out to help a stranger out!
While reading some of your comments, I noticed I was justifying and making things up to back up my friend in my mind. For example, one of you guys said that she is occasionally there for me, and in my mind I was thinking "but she has been there for me...even tho she does put me down"....see, I'm like justifying...I guess because I want to believe that I should continue on with the friendship.
Also, what this same poster said really struck something in me- "If your friend doesn't care about you enough to change her behavior after you told her how you felt, then you need to find a new friend." That is pretty powerful statement and something I should think about.
Thank you so much and good luck with your goals!!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 10:43 PM
I had a "friend" like that... only I met her when I was 3 and she was 2. We lived a few houses away from each other. She was pretty mean most of the time... and coated it with nice when it suited her. SInce there was no one else around, I took it. She accompanied me on trips to amusement parks and other activities with my church youth group (no one there went to school with me though) We went to different schools until highschool. I had no other friends to speak of and in my Junior year was estatic to find out that I might have someone to eat with at lunch if we had the same lunch period. She sat down with me one day that summer before my Junior year and said that she was not going to tell people we were friends. Talk about being kicked in the gut. That was the first real clue that hit me that I did not need her as any kind of "friend" in my life. I withdrew.. not calling her. When she would call me... I would barely talk and just let her blather on about all the guys she "claimed" or thought were hot... then excuse myself from the phone. I found some other friends and made plans (this was in my senior year) for prom with them. She had always claimed that she wanted to go to prom with me. I find out later after some prom pictures come out that she was sad we did not go together. She wanted to "talk"- which I knew consisted of me not getting one word in edgwise. So I offered for her to read a paper I had written for English class on our relationship. She would not read it. She needed the confrontation more than wanting to know what was wrong and possibly changing.
A few years ago (5?) I found her e-mail address. I tried writing and just saying "hey." Kinda forgive all kinda moment. She really did not write back after the initial "Oh, wow, it is you." So.... do I think she ever changed? not banking on it.
Find some new friends that will respect you for who you are. You are worth more than what she is dishing out... way more.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007, 11:22 PM
I have a best friend who has a best friend like this. Whenever she would tell me the things her friend said to her about her and how she treated her I just could never understand why she was friends with her, she always gave me the excuse that it was her best gal pal n she didn't have ne one else to be her gal pal like that, I told her I'd gladly be it and she never took up the offer. Her friend told her mom things such as "she left school early so she could go screw her fiance till her award ceramony started" and "she had an ungreatful bitch for a daughter" her mother and mother in law will not allow her into their home and I don't blame them, my opinion is no one deserves to be treated that way. and if their a TRUE friend they wouldn't treat you that way in the first place. I think you should get out of the friendship while you can. the longer u stay in it the more and more she will bring you down and you don't deserve it. As far as not haven n e one else close to you.. you have all of us women here at PT for support and if no one else I'll b here to talk to, untill you can find someone... trust me it's much better than being talked down to!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 1:56 AM
I'll 2nd 1:56 :D
Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 8:28 AM
"Fair Weathered" Friend?
I have a friend, who in-person is a very sweet person. She never says a mean thing and I have known her for the past 10 years. We went to College and even worked in the same office for a while before we got married (to different guys ;)) and I moved out of town.
I had always thought of her as my good friend as we had a lot in common and talked a lot. The issue is, she doesn’t seem to care much once I have moved out of town. Has this happened to anyone? I always felt she had this tendency to hang around with people who are accessible rather than maintain friendships. She’s shown these “Fair-Weathered Friend” traits to a few other people before, but I never though she would be that way to me.
We both have busy lives but I have tried calling her/mailing her and I occasionally get a mail. We met a couple of months ago and it felt like nothing has changed. We bonded in a minute. But after we returned home and I tried reaching her, it was the same “Fair-Weathered Friend”
I think I have wasted a lot of time thinking about our friendship. I don’t know if it’s worth it. Any one with a similar experience?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 9:41 AM
Thanks so much for your replies! It means so much.
9:41-- I don't think I've ever had a friendship like that, so I don't know what to say. Hopefully someone else will read your post and reply. All I can say is perhaps you can ask her about this...in a casual email? Tell her your friendship means a lot and you'd like to keep in touch on a regular basis rather than once a year or so. I don't think asking that would sound intrusive.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 1:30 PM
I rea;;y enjoyed this thread- I have been dealing with almost the EXACT same thing. I am 22, I have been best friends with one of my friends since the beginning of highschool- and it just clearly is not working out anymore. She cant stand the fact that I have a boyfriend ( who is SO sweet and treats me WAY better than she ever did) and is nasty to both of us most of the time. However, I defend her.. absed on the fun we used to have and occasionally still do. However, she upsets me more then she makes me happy. We lived together this past year of school and things really came to a head. Not only would I be a little sad to throw away pur friendship, but we are also friends eith all the same friends so things would be akward for everyone and I feel as though I would no longer hang out with any of them and be "out of the loop." But sometimes I think my life would be better off without her. I just dont know! The thing that bothers me the most is she is so nice to everyone else except me- I am the one she knows she can be rude too. Dont get me wrong I am rude back sometimes but it kills me to see other peopl;e think she is so sweet and fun when I am so frustrated!! Help!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 2:50 PM
2:50-- I'm glad you find this thread helpful and that I am not the only one dealing with this. It's amazing how similar our stories are. I've never had a BF, but I'm sure if I did, she'd make nasty comments to me out of jealousy. I notice that when she is jealous of me, she makes these mean comments, so I try to be modest. In fact, during our first year of college, she told me I was conceited. I mean I guess I was paying more attention to my appearance b/c I just wanted to fit in and make a good impression, but still. Yeah, when I'm with my friend, we often have a good time, which makes think I should continue being close...well until she makes some sort of sarcastic comment to me. Yeah, exactly! I notice with pretty much everyone else, she's so sweet and nice to them and everyone thinks she's such a wonderful person, but with me, she makes these comments that upset me. I think she is this way because she is insecure and she knows that I'm too scared to defend myself. Plus, I don't think highly of myself so she takes advantage.
I know this sounds awful, but I really want to show her off. Just be able to lose at least 10 pounds this summer (goal is 20 pounds total) and come back in the fall totally confident and looking good.
I still don't know what to do. Perhaps if I am able to find a few other people in my life then moving on will be a bit easier.
Thanks for listening!
Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 6:43 PM
OP - you are definitely not alone. I also fell into a very close, but eventually destructive friendship. We were attracted to each other for the very things that made us incompatible later. She was outgoing, vivacious and very popular within our crowd and I guess I was sort of the dark mysterious loner type. Initially she brought me out of my shell and I was a claming influence on her, but eventually it got so I couldn't do anything without her. She'd have temper tantrums and be horribly abusive (verbally) if I showed an inclination to go off my own way. I was constantly rescuing her from her self-destructive tendancies and she was exhausting! About halfway through college I trasferred to a school 400 miles away mostly to get away from her and although I feel a twinge or two because we were so close, it's the best decision I ever made.
Discover who you really are without this friendship and then decide if she's compatible with that person. Although sad, It's OK to outgrow a friendship and move on.
As for me - I never made another friend that I was that close to and that's actually a good thing. It keeps me from being co-dependant and trying to make one friend fill all the emotional needs I may be trying to fill with that relationship (which isn't all that healthy). Instead i became a lot more outgoing and now I have a large circle of friends - all of whom I connect with on various levels and any of whom would be there for me in a moment (and I for them). It's been a much healthier way for me to have friendships.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 7:26 PM
to OP from 11:22
-Do you have any passions like cooking or animals? art? Try and find some groups that center around this activity- like a club and join up... I am sure that you will meet some like minded people and will feel more confident about showing this "friend" the door.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007, 7:51 PM
Sorry for the late response. Anyway, yeah I decided to become an officer of an honor society's chapter at my school. It doesn't seem too active, but hey anything I can get. By the way, I go to a "commuter" college so it's tough to meet ppl. Thanks for your responses =D
I'm also responding so I can bump this thread up so any others who have been in a similar situation can respond!
Monday, July 02, 2007, 8:11 PM
OP - commuter colleges are TOUGH! I went to one and didn't make a new girl friend in 4 years. I then went on to grad school and lived on campus and made one of my closest friends -we're still close after 16 years.
I had a bf like yours back in high school and college. In fact, thinking back I had a junior high friend much the same...what does that say about me?? Anyway, I got the same sarcastic and nasty comments, etc. We actually parted ways in our mid-twenties b/c I just didn't feel like she was being a friend to me. And
should I be afraid to say things to a friend?? Now it's 15 years later, she's grown up, she's not so insecure (the basis for jealousy & nastiness) and she's much more pleasant to be around. We're no longer bf, but she's still in my life.
Is it possible to hang out with her new group of friends? You just might hit it off with someone else in the group? Otherwise, it's okay to break up with your friend. It's no better for you than hanging onto a bad romantic relationship. For some reason (myself included) women tend to hold onto friends long past their expiration date - unless some grievous, unforgivable action has occurred, we seem to think friendships should last. I had the whole "Why can't I have friends like Carrie in Sex and the City??" thing going on in my head. Then I accepted that we WEREN'T friends. She wasn't NICE to me!!
I haven't read all the responses, but I'm sure you got some great ideas on how to put yourself out there. It's kind of like dating, though, the harder you try the harder it is! Do things that interest you, you'll find yourself among people with similar interests, and friendships will happen organically. Good luck!!
Monday, July 02, 2007, 8:28 PM
I have had 2 very close friends, one for 30 years and another for 16. We have shared so much together, our ups and downs, sadness, grief, happiness, it goes on and on. I have gotten into fights with my friends and after the fact we laugh it off and realize how silly we are being. I have come to learn that true friends are ones who can tell each other things that the other does that hurts and makes you feel bad without them getting defensive or pissed off or cause them to lash out. They are friends that, if you look at your life they will still be with you when your old. You should be able to share how you feel with her. It sounds like she might already have known that you were right in feeling that way and so she got defensive.
I would suggest you start trying to make a few more friends. I know its hard to put yourself out there but its worth it if you find a few girlfriends that you really connect with. And you will know right away if you connect. Good luck.
Monday, July 02, 2007, 9:16 PM
She sounds like a bully. Read "Mean girls grow up". Her tactics are relational aggression and you are (sadly) better off without that. I jettisoned my highschool best friend when I realized I was the victim of bullying. At 13-17, I tried to let her mean jibes not get to me. At 25, I realized I didn't enjoy her company. In my 40s, I don't regret the choice at all.
My 25th HS reunion is next yr, and i'm going to go - and i'm almost hoping to see her so I can ask her why she did/said the things she did?
Monday, July 02, 2007, 9:31 PM
OP- you're DEFINATELY not alone. I knew a girl since I was about 5 years old - and I've never been terribly confident or good with friends. She was basically the friend when she needed someone to sneak to the movies with to makeout with her not-allowed-bf.
Found out she was saying horrid stuff about me. That basically I was her friend because I was secretly wanting to be just like her and I was jealous 'cause she was smarter and thinner. Needless to say I've completely dropped her AND had my revenge.
a)She used to make comments about my weight. Only she has very bad acne. So a few well-dropped comments about leprosy shut her up.
b) I did better on the SAT - which killed her "smarter" approach.
c) I could lose weight. She will never ever grow out of being a fake mean rude GIRL. And she will never be a poised kind woman.
Confront your friend. If they're not willing to listen, distance yourself. You deserve BETTER!!!!!
Tuesday, July 03, 2007, 3:17 PM
i always had a hard timne keeping friends, but i never knew why. throughout my school years i usually had a friend each year, but rarely the same person for more than one school year. i didn't really notice this as a trend until i was in my twenties. i kept the same 2 close friends throughout college and after graduation still kept in touch. a few years later, as i was reflecting on the last time i actually hung out with these friends, it occurred to me that i was not such a great friend. i was very forthright and selfish and opinionated and self-righteous and stubborn and loud and messy and did not really extend myself the way i expected others to do so for me. i never saw things that way before!! it dawned on me that i treated my friends the way i had been treated by my older brother, who was very hateful towards me my whole life. (that was another thing i realized!!) i was just being what i thought was "normal". no one ever told me why they stopped being my friend or explained that i came off as a complete b*tch. after recognizing this, i changed and apologized to my 2 friends that i had had since college. they were stunned and thankful. we are all still friends, but now i am much more participatory in the idea of what a friend really is. i just wanted to share my personal experience with not being aware of my actions or lack of kindness, and how i acted towards others in the same belittling, derogatory way i had been treated-although completely unknowingly. best wishes!
Tuesday, July 03, 2007, 3:43 PM
Wednesday, July 04, 2007, 9:04 AM
9:31-- Thanks for the book tip. I will consider reading that. I hope things go well at your HS reunion and you get some answers (and revenge haha).
3:43-- Wow, it takes courage to admit you're wrong. Congrats! I hope one day my friend will realize what she's doing to me.
Thanks for everyone who responded! I appreciate it!
Thursday, July 05, 2007, 4:22 AM
for me, it wasn't so much a matter of admitting i was "wrong", per se. it was more about being aware of my actions and words and how they afftected others. in retrospect, i was not a bad friend on purpose. and i thought i just had strong convictions. i had no clue that i blocked out others' feelings and disregarded others' needs on a regular basis. that's why the word "wrong" hits me kind of awkwardly. maybe your friend also has no idea that she is being perceived by you in the ways that you describe. maybe she is not yet emotionally mature enough yet to be compleyely honest with herself about herself? in any case, the fact that my 2 college friends stood by me and continued to be my friends, even with such limited participation on my part, has been one of the greatest thing to ever happen in my life. there is nothing that happens in my life that i cannot share with these 2 women. NOTHING i can't talk about or say. i will be forever grateful that they somehow both saw some redeeming quality / qualities in my that made it worth their time to be my friends. good luck to you and the girl you wrote about!
Thursday, July 05, 2007, 9:05 AM
Wow 3:43 you definitely made me think about how I could be a better friend today.
OP - I really second the advice to get out and find activities you really enjoy. I went to a commuter college too and really had to make an effort to be on campus and get involved with activities and study groups there. Don't just rush out of class and off campus - go study in the student center, chat with other students before and after class, ask others if they want to get together and work on projects, join some activity groups, work out in the gym on a regular schedule and see if you can get to know any regulars even if it's just to say 'hi' when you see them around campus, and if you see some event coming up see if you can find a classmate to go with. You may feel akward at first but the more comfortable you are putting yourself out there and reaching out to others, the more comfortable they will be responding to your overtures.
I used to be horribly shy and clung to my few friends because the prospect of making new friends was so daunting, but that just set me up to be the punching bag. Finally I began reaching out and at first I felt very self-concious, but now it's just a part of me. Look outside yourself, find things you truly enjoy and get involved, and others who share your interests will be able to connect with you. Best wishes!
Thursday, July 05, 2007, 12:32 PM
IS SHE A FREIND?
I have been searching sites for help and think this is a adult one but I really need advise. I have a freind Shannon* and I really wanted to sit next to her in class so i asked the teacher and mooved just to be with her leaving my other freinds behind. A few weeks later: she mooved to my old table and is chatting up all my freinds and i asked her why she mooved and she said she wasent paying enoughf attention next to me! so now im on a table on my own with Alex* and i dont know what to do! Alex* is really clingy and Shannon* is not being nice to me like not being as bouncuy and happy with me and not saying hi and stuff and im really sadis she still my freind?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008, 11:45 AM
Ahh! I have tonns of friends, AND best friends like this. I do, too, find it hard to make close friends, so the thing that annoys me is..i never let things get to me really, because I need them as a friend. But, I cannever keep things inside, so I always go and talk to them about the problem, and it usually makes things worse. So for me, Ive just come to realize..that the bible says: a friend loves at all times...and even though i dont want to, ive got to just over look some small things..because Jesus forgave us, so we shouldbe forgiving. i find it SO hard though!! honestly! right now, im in a little fight with one of my friends, sorta a similar situation...so, ive told her how i feel, and she over looks it, and has said im over reacting...so i now know she obviosuly wasnt a true friend, so i have seperated mytself from her because i got mad at a lot of stuff by her, almost everyday, and it drove me NUTS...butnow, i am soo relaxed! so my advice is to not completly turn your back from her, but try to put your self out there, and find some new close friends..let her do her thing, she will have to realize what a jerk she has been! don't worry! God bless :)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008, 6:03 PM
advice on a friend
I had a guy friend who was the same way. He would say rude things to me and be nice to everyone else. Ever since 9th grade and he and I are in our late 30's now-- he has given himself to everyone except me. He includes everyone in his life and left me in the dark about so many things. Recently he got just nasty rude and ended the friendship then contacted me giving me his new email address. I care deeply for him as a person but he is very abusive as a friend. There is a lot I am leaving out but the bottom line is I have moved on with me life. If he contacts me I will not be rude to him but I am not going to contact him anymore. His actions are very hurtful and I am not going to allow his ego and his being a jerk interfere with my future. He knows how to get ahold of me if he needs me but if he contacts me and continues to be a jerk I will stop speaking with him and that is final. He is a grown man and if he can not be friends with me without saying rude things then I won't be his friend anymore. I am not one of those people who demand people respect me but I will not tolerate verbal and emotional abuse on a regular basis. I expect him to be nice to me as I am nice to him and that is not asking to much.
Over the years people whom I thought were my friends were not my friends and I have just written them off and went on with my life. They ended up being psychotic and I can't wait until they are arrested for their crimes with my relatives.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010, 7:55 PM
I am in my 40s and have been around the block. When I was a kid we moved a lot and it was hard to make a lasting friend. Then as an adult I found myself moving around a lot too. I have a few friends now but to be honest my only bf is my husband. He knows me like no other. Sometimes I wish I had a girl friend to hang around with and tell all my secrets too but I just figure that will never happen. We all have lives of our own, people come and go. I have learned not to count on anyone. I had some friends that I thought our friendships would last forever but then I moved and they did not want to continue with the work that a long distant relationship needs. I got sick of being the one always calling and writing.. I am really okay with this now. It has brought me much closer to my husband in fact.
Thursday, August 19, 2010, 12:00 AM
8/19, 12am - Whoa! I was reading your post thinking, "When did I write this?" I honestly thought I might have written this in my sleep or something! I'm still not convinced I didn't write it ;)
Thursday, August 19, 2010, 9:05 AM
I too am in my 40s and have friends, however, they are hundreds of miles away and some in other countries. We do stay in touch. I have though made friends with another female who is also in her 40s and thought that we were close friends, actually she told me I am her best friend. However, she likes to hang out with girls who are 18, 19 and 20 years old and she tells them things about her intimate times with her husband and her past sexual encounters. She seems to have no boundaries. I notice that she is suddenly very cold toward me and she gets very angry and does not speak to me or respond to my texts if I tallk to her about anything she does to me. She has a tendency to turn things around on me and make everything my fault. Im also always the first and ony one to apologize for anything, she never apologizes and only cares about herself, she has no concern for other people's feelings and how she hurts others.
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