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My childs weight and Depression
I have a 9 yr old baby girl. I am going to see where I can post her pics on here. She is at 165 pounds. She is so depressed and I cant figure out how to help her. My depression makes me want to give up and just lay in bed and let her stay with me in bed all the time so she wont have to face the way others treat her. She has had so many medical issues since she has been born and then when she was 4 she started gaining and in 1 summer she gained 65 pounds. She has just went up from there. She is my beautiful little girl but she comes home crying because of what the kids say and some adults. I have tried cutting her food intake but she stays hungry and she cries all the time and says she's starving. I tried to get her to dance with me but she cries. I am just ready to give up and dont know where to turn.
I think maybe if I had liked myself more that maybe she would be different to. She has learned this from me. If I cant fix it then I have killed her, her hopes and dreams.Please help me figure something out.
I dont know how to make my pics the size needed
Fri. Jul 13, 11:19pm
I'm so sorry... I know you are heartbroken for your daughter and want to help without hurting her emotions even more. You are of course doing the #1 best thing for her already, which is loving her for who she is at any size.
I don't have direct experience with this subject, but I would first recommend expert help (such as counseling). My own solutions to big problems always start with reading as much as I can... Here's what I found perusing Amazon:
Rescuing the Emotional Lives of Overweight Children, by Sylvia and Eric Rimm
The Everything Parent's Guide to the Overweight Child, by Paula Ford-Martin and Annelli Vincent
Your Child's Weight: Helping without Harming, by Ellyn Satter
Maybe one or more of these is available at your library.
Good luck to you and your little girl.
Friday, July 13, 2007, 11:37 PM
I think a rather extensive medical evaluation is in order, if it hasn't been done already. Don't hesitate to ask for financial assistance, fee waivers or whatever if money is stopping you. I'm not really qualified to make any specific assessment but to start at such a young age (4) just makes me very suspicious that something uncommon is involved.
Saturday, July 14, 2007, 1:58 AM
No offense but I don't think reading self help books is going to be much help.
Please find a doc or a team of docs that will work with you. There has to be an underlying reason for what is going on with your daughter. Do not let her see how upset or depressed you are over it. It could make her feel worse. A few months ago there was a thread on here about a specialized school for overweight children. I am going to to try to find it because it was a great thread. Look into alternative treatments. Docs are docs and specialize in certain areas but alternative could be helpful because they treat the whole body and person. I will look for that and come back to this when i find it.
Saturday, July 14, 2007, 2:33 AM
Hi. I am 21 years old and I have anxiety and depression. I have had it since I was 11 or so and didn't get diagnosed until more than a year ago. I was slim all my life but put on more than 30 pounds within 6 years.
I don't know what to say, but def go see a specialist-- a medical doctor, psychologist....for the both of you.
In terms of the eating, what you can do is give her filling, nutritious foods high in fiber to fill her up in the mean time. But it could very well be a medical issue as to why she gained so much weight.
Best of luck! It's tough.
Saturday, July 14, 2007, 2:55 AM
Yes, it sounds like both of you are depressed and you both need help. Depression is an illness and you should approach it like any other illness. Think pneumonia as you are going for care. You probably wouldn't lie in bed with it...you would get help.
Take a first step, maybe ask a good friend, a spouse, or a family member to throw you a rope and help you get out the door to some medical care. Both you and your daughter deserve good health and well being.
Report back here as you take your first steps and we will cheer you on. Remember, you are worth it!
Saturday, July 14, 2007, 8:51 AM
Stop feeding her to make her feel better, as Dr.Phill would say.
Saturday, July 14, 2007, 9:36 AM
My heart goes out to you! It sounds like there are two separate, but related problems here - your daughter's weight and depression, and your weight and depression.
I would suggest that you immediately make appointments with her pediatrician and your primary care physician to discuss what has been going on and to be evaluated. Your doctors will suggest a course of action for each of you, but you may want to discuss the following with him or her.
Inquire about referrals for counseling for both you and her. Counseling can help you both - with the depression, and a doctor who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy can help you with weight loss techniques. In your daughter's case, obviously it would be ideal to find a counselor who is experienced in working with overweight children, if possible. Even if your daughter's weight gain has been caused by a medical condition, she needs help dealing with the hurtful comments from others.
You may also want to inquire about referrals to a dietician who is experienced in working with overweight children.
And definitely seek out help from family or friends. I would imagine that your depression can make it more difficult for you to pursue treatment for both of you. Having others that you can call on for help would take off some of the pressure and give you a crucial support system.
Saturday, July 14, 2007, 10:11 AM
This is all great advice. And remember, she is 9 and you are the mom. Do NOT bring junk food into the house. Nobody self- soothes eating carrot sticks. I don't say this to be harsh, but I grew up in a household very much like yours. My mom was depressed, and I grew up with food as a comforting mechanism.
Your daughter is at an age now where you can still control (most of the time) what she eats. You could have a take care of mommy and daughter campaign, nutritious healthy food is how we nurture our body etc. Sounds corny, but it's a good reason to throw out all soda, processed foods, junk food, etc. and, lo' and behold, it's a great way to practice self-love and self-care.
But of course, talk to a doctor first and foremost, and also a psychologist who can help you both.
It is wonderful!! that you are taking steps to get help for your daughter (and you). I only wish my mom had been capable of it back when I was a child and teen, I wouldn't be dealing with these struggles as an adult now. Way to go, for that!
Saturday, July 14, 2007, 10:25 AM
I know you said you feel like giving up, and you probably won't, but don't give up on your baby. She needs you and is depending on you to take care of her and get her better. You also have to help yourself in order to help her. Bring her to her doctor, and go to one yourself. Good luck.
Saturday, July 14, 2007, 2:45 PM
I have a cousin who is a counselor who mainly deals with weight problems in adults and children. She is in the San Jose/Walnut Creek area. I think at this point you both need to see someone, maybe separately and together. And as hard as it is to say, you do control the food that goes into your home, you also have the ability to get her moving more. If you are anywhere near this area let me know and if you are comfortable giving your email I'd be happy to send you the info. Do not give up, your her mother and you need to help her find a way to deal with the issue. I am wondering if she might have something wrong with her?
Sunday, July 15, 2007, 2:36 AM
I have a son who went thru a depression at 10, not because of weight but because of bullies. There is nothing more painful that having your child go thru this. What really helped my son was regular exercise, we run and bike together and it has made a huge improvement. He is no longer depressed, but if we ever let up on exercise I can see him slipping back and I say lets go for a run.
Good luck, keep the communication open, do things together that are positive, you will not believe the difference it makes in health and confidence.
Monday, July 16, 2007, 3:01 PM
I am so sorry! I am praying for you and your little girl. How about Doctor Phil or one of those shows might help her. Don't give up! Try and be a powerful example for your daughter. Try and fight your feelings act as if! Do it for her.
Monday, July 16, 2007, 4:02 PM
Yes this is very hard. Thanks for the suggestions and I will try everyone. I am calling for a pychologist in the morning. I know I have problems myself and I dont want my problems to become the cause of her problems later in life. This kills me because I have had her to her doc many times and he said there was nothing he could do. She use to throw up all the time and I finally made him send us to a gastro. doc. He said she was eating alot to try to make her belly feel better. He found she was in the first stage of Stomach cancer and we had to get control before it went to full blown stage. We went through alot for 2 yrs and we limited her but not like we should because we were so afraid of lossing her and didnt want to make her unhappy just in case. I know this was not the right thing to do but we were so scared. After 2 yrs we went in for the surgery to take out part of her stomach and throat. The doc came back in the room and told us he didnt have to take anything out because it was all gone.
We were blessed so and now I have another chance and I want to do it right this time. I will post after I talk with the doc's and see what I need to do. I will also get a book on this. I am goin to take her to the Connunity Center too for swimming, water exercises, raqucet ball and to just play instead of sitting and watching TV...Thanks all of you for your advice and support. I need help through this and will let you know how it is goin...
Tuesday, July 17, 2007, 10:14 PM
My email is firstname.lastname@example.org
If you can email me suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you all very much....
Tuesday, July 17, 2007, 10:18 PM
I just wanted to say that I agree with what everyone else has said and that my thoughts are with you both. Sounds like you´ve had a hard time, but as you say you´ve got a wonderful chance to move right on now.
There are a lot of "diets" such as Slimming World, Montignac etc that dont limit the amount of food you eat but how you eat it. I´ve seen some great results. Of course processed foods should be very limited if not abandoned on any way of eating.
I wish you all the best and let us know how things go
Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 9:31 AM
Never heard of these diets but will google them and see. Thanks for the help. Still learning new things from everyone.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007, 2:15 PM
We weighed today and my baby has lost 5 pounds. It may not seem like much to most but I was really proud and happy for this. She is doin good with not finishing all of her food and we joined a water exercise class. She has just been once but she has also went walking with my 16 yr old . She is on her way, I hope she dont stop on me.
Just wanted to update everyone that gave me such great addvice and support.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007, 11:32 PM
i'm so happy for the both of you! such an accomplishment!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007, 11:52 PM
Hang in there! You are definitely going to turn this around. It takes one small step to get started....and that gets followed by another....then another.
Thursday, July 26, 2007, 6:27 AM
Thank you all and I will post when we weigh in again. Keep you fingures crossed. I am going to try to put a pic in my log of me and my baby so you will know who you are helping out, remember when you see her that she is only just now turned 9. We are going to help her through this though. She wa strong enough to fight stomach cancer, I know she will be able to fight this. I just have to motivate her into wanting it with hurting her selfesteem anymore than it is now.
Thursday, July 26, 2007, 3:36 PM
Christie I know you mentioned that she is now sometimes walking with your son. Maybe you all should instill a nightly routine, after dinner all of you go for a walk. I say all because you said you have a weight problem also and you don't want your problems to become her problems later in life but it seems to me it might have already happened. So you should all go for a walk every night, it will give you a chance to bond with your kids and it will give the kids a chance to see that you want to become healthy also and it will send the message to your daughter that you are going to do this with her. I also think you should get a scale to weigh food and this should also become a routine for you all. You said she is not eating all her food, which indicates to me you might be giving her to much. So if you weigh it she will be getting everything she needs, also don't forget kids have smaller tummies then adults, whats good for you is to much for her. Good luck and keep us posted.
Friday, July 27, 2007, 11:34 AM
the family walk sounds like a great idea. Familes that get healthy together stay healthy together. ....and a walk is great bonding time. Your kids will remember it.
I check this chain every few days and I hope you and your little girl are both doing well. Hope you are having a good week! We are cheering for you here.
Friday, July 27, 2007, 2:04 PM
Dance dance revolution (we bought the one that plays on PS2) made a big difference in getting my daughter active. It seems to have the almost addictive properties of other video games. We also went on a modified Atkins diet together. Now I can hear the collective groan already, but other than the first 3 days we modified it to the point where it was just basically the elimination of flour and sugar. But my daughter seemed to want to go with what some other expert proposed rather than just what Mom said. She was probably 140 lbs at 9.
Friday, July 27, 2007, 2:33 PM
These are all great suggestions. I have started taking all of us to the Community Center 3 days a week. We swim laps together in the pool and the girls really enjoy it. They are shocked I think that I can actually swim because they have never saw me do it. We are going to start trying to play raquet ball, we wont be any good but will get a good workout trying. We cant walk in our neighborhood so I am finding other things we can do. Going to DollyWood this next Wed. so that will be alot of walking. I had a friend tell me about a game that I could get that she could dance with also. Where doyou get those and how much are they.
Well thank you all for checking in with me and giving me all this great advice, I just wish I had that kind of support here at home. But hey that would be a whole different thread, now wouldnt it. I will keep her goin and me, I have lost another 8 pounds this week and I just hope it dont stop any time soon. I now weigh 225 from 274 since the first of April. I am so proud but still have a long way to go.
Saturday, July 28, 2007, 5:24 AM
Christie, woohoo on your weight loss! I'm so happy to hear about the swimming and racquet ball and family activities and your own determination. We love to hear about your progress but please sign in if you are having a bad day too. We want to help keep you going.
You can buy DDR (dance dance revolution) games for Playstation, PS2, Gamecube, Xbox or Xbox 360. We have the metal dance pad but you can buy a soft plastic dance pad for much less ($20?)
Saturday, July 28, 2007, 8:48 AM
Christie why can't you walk in your neighborhood? That seems a little odd. If not at home then get in the car and drive somewhere where you can walk. The drive will give you all time to digest and you can drive somewhere nicer. You had mentioned that your daughter walks with her brother sometimes, I just assumed it was close to home.
Saturday, July 28, 2007, 11:58 AM
Ahhhhhh, what a nice, refreshing thread...made my day to read this one. Best of luck to you Christie and family.
Saturday, July 28, 2007, 6:36 PM
We live on main road here so cant walk on it because there are ditches on either side. We go to the Fair Grounds a walk some before we started at the Community Center. My girls walk at there Nannies house. I am going to get that game for the girls soon, just have to get school stuff first. I am nit going to buy alot of clothes though because I am goin to wait and see, but they need some. I write agin soon, I have to work 3rds this weekend. Talk soon..Christie
Saturday, July 28, 2007, 6:51 PM
depression, dieting... it's a journey
Depression is an interesting thing, because it may stem from many areas in our life. I've worked through some personal issues with it myself and I personally feel it's a trial and error kind of process. It's a journey and I'd suggest checking everything out! Call different types of doctors and ask questions. On one hand you can see a doctor and consider drugs and/or whatever the doctor recommends, obviously, (I'd get a few opions at that) and then there are natural approaches, which would obviously be, diet, exercise and lifestyle to consider as well. We do have different bodies to care for, our physical, our emotions, etc. I recommend doing fun activities together and checking out your community or hospitals for classes on diet and personal growth, a reliable healthfood store, maybe working out together and or counseling, try checking out Natalia Rose, nutritionist -good ideas. I wish you success.
Sunday, July 29, 2007, 7:48 PM
Take babysteps -you'll find your way!
Our environment does affect how we feel. If you'r happier, your daughter will definately benefit, so I do agree some soul searching on top of diet and everything else is important. There's so much out there, you just need to find what works for you. I know lots of people who benefited from energy healing and meditation. Also, as far as being positive is concerned, the dvd "The Secret" was pretty amazing and uplifting. The only thing I would add to that dvd is to take action on what you want.
Sunday, July 29, 2007, 7:58 PM
write a talkshow, america needs help w/ this, you're not alone
Oh yeah, dance dance revolution is a lot of fun! And aside from Dr. Phil, Oprah should do a show on this! This is a big problem in America. We're so ov er loaded with food and technology today, it can be very overwhelming. I'd recommend writing an informative talkshow.
Sunday, July 29, 2007, 8:03 PM
Christie you started this thread 2 weeks ago. It has been amazing to see your progress. Also, the way you are writing now shows hope instead of overwhelming sadness. You are taking this stepwise. Can you see and feel your progress? It is really uplifting to read your reports...I know it isn't easy but you and your family are going through some good changes here. Yay for all of you!
Sunday, July 29, 2007, 8:45 PM
Everyone has bad days
I am so happy to read what everyone has ritten." The Secret" is a favorite of mine also. I studied it in my philosophy class at Walters State College. I have learned so much from evryone here. Cassie has been doing so much better lately but today well actually yesterday because its way late here. My family almost fell apart. Well I geuss I almost fell apart. I had worked 3rds all weekend and on SUnday night I had pulled 16 hours, got home and done the girls hair, took them to a program they were attending, so they could be with other kids and do acctivity before school starts. Well when they got home at 2pm I was asleep, I awoke at 6pm to find that my hubby had been asleep and now he could not find my 11 year old. We yelled and finally she came from the back of our property(where they never go). She came in and then 2 min.s later this boy's shows up at the door. Me being very open to most, I asked her what she had been doin. I new when she look at me. She said they were just back there talking but I didnt beleive that because if so why would they have to go back there and hide. Needless to say I freaked. I have been running so many things through my mind that I dont know how I feel now. I was so disappointed with her and so mad at my hubby for goin to sleep. I just left. I have been driving alday and sitting in my car. I took Cassie to moms but I left Breanna with her daddy. In the 6 hours I stayed gone I had convinced myself that I was a horrible mother and they would be better off without me. Cassie loves it at moms and I just could not look at Brea right then. I sat for 2 hours trying to get the courage up to cut my wrist. I done enough damage to where I wont be moving freely for a while, I finally jus banged it over and over on the side of my car. I finally started repeating some of the things I have learned in Psych clas, to myself. It didnt work for a while but finally I came to the conclusion that I cant make everything perfect and no matter what I might want, I cant make their decisions for them. I am her parent and not her friend and so she will face all the concequences of her decision. I will not let this hurt Cassie, we will still do all of our outings, Brea will just be with my mom for a while when we do them. I am goin to take her to someone she can talk to because all the new rules will be hard on her but neccesary. I will have to make a decicion about my husband, he just will not take the responcibility of watching the girls and if he wont then I am not going to leave them here anymore. I will leave here before I stay and my childrens lives are messed up because of these stupid mistakes that wouldnt happen if someone was watching them.
Sorry I got on here and vented all this to you. You all have helped me so much but right now I am going to need so much, I sat in my car today and realized I had no on eto call, no friend I could count on. It just would have been nice ya know. Please forgive me for bothering you with this. I just really need to talk.
See ya Christie
Tuesday, July 31, 2007, 3:00 AM
Christie - I have been reading this thread since you first posted. I am having a hard time understanding what your so upset about. I feel like there is something you are not talking about, something that happened when the kids were missing. Is there something else? No matter how hard life gets thrown at us you should never think about killing your self. I urge you to please get some counseling, talk to someone. Even if you had someone close it is sometimes easier to work through problems when its a professional. You said your husband is no help and doesn't take responsibility for the kids, I think its time you made some really tough decisions. You need support and you need some help and your not getting it from the one person who should be giving it. So what did Bree do that has you so angry at her you can't even look at her and thinking of leaving her at your moms for a while?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007, 9:08 PM
Well it has been a few days now and I am doing a little better. I have talked with her now that I have calmed down. She promised me that nothing happened but I was really sure it had. I took her to the doctor and even with her knowing the doc was going to examine her she still stuck to her story that she did nothing. So I do beleive her but still upset that she hid and disobeyed that way. We are working through it and my hubby is going to do alot of changing also. I told him if he did not start being the dad they need him to be that I would take them and leave because I am not going to quit my job and quit going to school just because he wants to be here at the house all the time but have no responcibility at all. Hopfully he will see how serious I am but if he dont, I will leave and raise my kids by my self. She is going to be watched alot closer and I am not going to let this nock me off track with what I am trying to do all of us and our health. Thanks and keep in touch. Christie
Wednesday, August 01, 2007, 11:50 PM
Hey its me. I am so sorry and embarressed about posting that the other day. I was very upset but mos of that should not have been said. Yes I know Cassie suffers from depression because like you have seen now, I suffer from exreme depression. They finally came to the conclusion that I am not Bipolar because I have no high days. I have some normal days and I have had alot of those for the past month or so because of everyone here. It really helps for me to be able write stuff down and someone write back. I think it would help Cassie to, I have call our Mental health facilities here and they are suppose to call me about some childrens programs that I can get her in and now I think it would be best to put Breanna in this also. She is dealing with her restrictions from the phone and TV. She can also not have another boyfriend until she is at least 15. I am just going to stay with the first ideals I had and was gave. We are goin to try to stay busy with the Community Center adn they start gymnastics in 2 weeks. We will do as much as we can and see how we are doin. Thanks to all of you for being here for me to write and many thanks to all of you that write me back all this wonderful advice. Christie
Thursday, August 02, 2007, 11:47 PM
Christie, When you have terrible days can you try a couple of things? First of all call someone like a therapist, or a relative who will just sit with you and listen...and if you can't arrange that sit down at a keyboard or with a piece of paper and write what is happening for you. Get it all out. After that arrange to take a walk or go for a swim or do something really active to give yourself some stress relief. My guess is you will feel a little better and you can work out a clear headed plan of action.
If you start feeling like you want to hurt yourself, call a hotline and get some immediate attention...or go to the ER. That is the depression talking....it's not you.
You have a lot going here...some great things like being a mom, taking college classes and working. It sounds like you just need some help. You are doing some really good things to get that going. Keep the faith and remember what you said "everyone has bad days". Try to remember that when you are having a bad day and keep taking those baby steps. Things will get better.
Friday, August 03, 2007, 7:56 AM
Yes thank you. I will try that next time, I will go and swim laps if possible or just walk for a while. We weighed today and Cassie has not lost any and I only lost 2 pounds but hey we didnt gain and any loss is a loss, so we will hit it this week and school started back this week to for my babies so wish us luck.
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 12:35 AM
Lost "only" 2 pounds? That's really great progress. Are you expecting to lose more?
Saturday, August 04, 2007, 12:39 AM
I geuss I do expect to lose to much at a time. I will try to be happy if I lose anything. Cassie did great for her first day of school. She even got her a little boy friend...lol He called the house right after school and asked me if he could take her to the movies. They are in 3rd grade,,,,aint that just cute. I wish she could always be this happy...
Monday, August 06, 2007, 10:07 PM
she has a boyfreind
Cassie came home the first day of school an was all excited because a liitle boty asked her to go with him. She has really been into takin care of herself this past week. I hope it keeps helping. It feels so good to see her so happy, he calls all the time and he even called me and asked if he could take her to the movies, I told him I would see when I could take them because I have to be there. He was excited. Isnt it great...
Monday, August 13, 2007, 12:03 AM
Cassie is still doing great with her eating. She has cut her in take in half most of the time. She has still not lost any though. I am going to try to get her moving more. Trying to get her to a nutritionist.
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