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Why do I have to spell everything out for a man to do something around the house?

Why do I have to specifically ask every time the trash is full if he can take it out? Why is it that doing one chore for 5 minutes is a big accomplishment for him...but then when I clean the entire kitchen top to bottom (including scrubbing the floor for 30 minutes because of all the stuff he's spilled and never wiped up) he doesn't do anything but mess it up again within an hour and not clean up after himself?? Why can't they ever figure anything out on their own and just do it for once????

So tonight I simply asked him when he was going to take out the trash and he told me not to worry about it. (code for i don't feel like it and i have no idea if I'll ever do it.) I asked again and he just told me to stop thinking about it. This led to a brief argument and now he's watching TV and I'm eating cake and chocolate...what the hell?

Tue. Jul 31, 9:50pm

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What you have here is not a male/female problem, it's a messy person/neat person problem. He just doesn't have any problem with overflowing garbage and a dirty floor, and figures if you have a problem with them, you can clean until you are happy.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007, 10:03 PM

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I don't have any idea why men are this way. I stay home all day with my boyfriends parents, tending to their everyneed, cleaning the house for all of us, and when I simply ask him to pick up his shoes so his mother doesn't fall, it's a major deal.
My suggestion is to get online and do some research for at home stress relievers like breathing exercises, or positive focus thinking. That way maybe you won't feel the need to emotion eat (I do the same, so I am NOT judging.) Hope your doing better!!

Tuesday, July 31, 2007, 10:26 PM

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10:03 - This may not be the case for all couples, but generally it's true a lot of the time for men and women. I think that it's a case of women noticing dirt because it's generally their job to clean (and I know some men clean, yes, but generally that's the case). Men in general seem to notice things less, there can be stuff around the house that's driving me nuts and my husband honestly won't notice. And not just, he's ignoring it, but it simply doesn't register with him.

OP - I've found that you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar! My first year married almost led to divorce over socks on the floor etc., with lots of arguments. I'm slowly learning that he does want to be helpful, but it's hard for him to make cleaning up as much of a priority as I do. One day I said to him, "Man, that pyjama fairy must be working overtime." He said, "What?!?" "You know, that pyjama fairy, the one that picks up your pyjamas every day and puts them away." And he did start picking up more after that! I've resigned myself to the fact that every once in a while, I have to gently remind him that he's not a bachelor or a neandrathal, so pick up your socks already.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007, 11:25 PM

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Ooh, you hit a nerve with this one. In my house, I don't care about a little clutter, a pile of books or papers here and there, but I don't like dirt!!! My husband is the opposite... As long as things look put away (more or less), he doesn't see the need to clean.
We did divide up chores at some point, but he still needs a thousand reminders to do his, and then gets resentful about my nagging, and then I get resentful that he's making me nag if I want him to do anything! UGH!
My latest tactic is to tell him once only, and then the next time I notice it's not done, I just do it. I try really hard to not be pissed off about it and I don't say anything. Sometimes he notices and guilts himself into finding a couple of other chores to do, sometimes not. I am just tired of dealing with it altogether!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007, 1:40 AM

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Mine told me one time men don't like to be nagged about taking the trash out.(well daggh, it won't put itself out).I told him sorry I don't mean to be a nag and I wouldn't want anyone to nag me but I just asked him to give me a break I cooked and i'm cleaning up the kitchen and if i don't ask he won't do it.He just gave me a rasberrry.If he doesn't put it out I'll ask him if we're broke and if he says what made you ask that? I'll say well it looks like we're trying to save money on trash bags I just didn't know if maybe we're broke or something. He'll laugh and say I'll put the trash out, DEAR. Sometimes i'll just get po'd and take it out and say thats ok i'll cook and clean up and take the trash out while you sit there watching tv and he'll just look at me and say whats with you ? They just don't get it and trash doesn't bother them.(so.... they are lazy...or weaker because we're tired too and we do stuff anyways and we are neater and they can be pigs because it doesn't bother them. Not all men but the majority it doesn't bother them.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007, 3:04 AM

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maybe they miss their moms?

Wednesday, August 01, 2007, 7:49 AM

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OP- Thank you for starting this thread!

I have been killing myself doing it all! Cleaning, cooking, getting our son, packed up for camp. Packed up for Football practice.......... Plus working full time! Then on the weekends........... hosting his friends, which means more cooking and cleaning.

I have been feeling like such a failure, because I can't do it all, but yet keep trying. My husband will do whatever I ask, but on his schedule, not a real schedule........ and when I ask, I feel like even more of a failure, because aren't wives and mothers supposed to be superhuman? I am just so glad I am not alone!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007, 8:19 AM

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The bottom line is men don't want to feel controlled . Unless they are the boos at their job, they are "controlled" all day long. They don't want to come home and have to answer to someone else. Nagging equals control to them...don't do it. Talk it out, divy up the chores and make up your minds (and agree to) about who's going to do what when - then stick to it. When the trash is overflowing, go out and buy another trash can or put the trash in a paper bag, or if it's really bothering you, empty it yourself. I feel for you all who have to deal with this. I am VERY lucky in that my husband does his job and I do mine and it all works out for us. After 14 years of marriage, I've learned not to "control" him by telling him what to do and when to do it - he's a big boy; when the kids run out of clothes, it's his problem and he knows it (he does the laundry) I don't rush down and do laundry for him or tell him when it's time to do laundry - he knows - my guess is yours' do too - they just don't want you to tell them when to do it.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007, 9:20 AM

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*make that "boss" at their job.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007, 9:21 AM

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10:03 here

Well I admit it.... I'm a woman, and definitely the "messy" one of the couple, so I'm telling it as I live it!

This is my deal: I have a high tolerance for mess. (When the garbage has been smelling for a day or so I might get around to taking it out.) I work a 40-to-80 hr week, depending on the season, and some time ago I realized that I could not be the perfect housekeeper AND the successful professional AND get my workout in. So I gave myself a pass on the housekeeping.

Now I will say that I don't lay around watching TV when I am home -- I cook and garden and so on. I can't watch someone else work without helping and watching TV is just lazy. But again, I don't think men have an exclusive franchise on laziness.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007, 9:33 AM

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