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Not attracted to husband

I'm not proud of my feelings but I'm just not as attracted to my husband since losing weight. Let me explain a little more before you classify me as shallow...

2 years ago it was his idea to get in better shape. I thought it was a good idea and wanted to be supportive so I did it too. I've stuck with it for the past 2 years and have lost 50 pounds, started to compete in cycling events, and have completely changed my approach to eating. He stuck with it for about 3 days and then went back to his old habits. He has gained about 30 pounds over the past 2 years.

My problem is that I'm just not as attracted to him physically anymore because he is very overweight. I'm also not attracted to him mentally because he isn't even trying and I'm frustrated with his lack of determination.

I don't know what to do. He won't eat the foods I eat (whole wheat pasta, vegetarian dishes, grilled chicken breasts etc...) and he doesn't exercise. Many people say to continue to be a good example and it will rub off on him...that's clearly not working for my husband. I don't pressure or nag him to eat right or exercise but I do try to include him and ask him if he wants to go to the gym.

I don't know what to do. I'm worried about his health and our marriage. Does anybody else have similiar feelings or have you tried something that worked with your family?


Fri. Dec 16, 1:41pm

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Have you sat down with him and told him gently that you don't see him as attractive (not just physically) lately because of his lifestyle habits and negative attitude? Reassure him that you love him but you want him to lead others by example (esp if you have children). Let him know that you want to admire him and all that he does and want a partner in life to get through problems together and also to challenge each other. Maybe it will make him want to impress you with his charm that swept you off your feet in the first place.

Friday, December 16, 2005, 1:52 PM

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I've been on your husband's side of this equation...I won't go into the horrible headgames my ex played with my weight/self-image, but I can tell you that it all came down to a loss of respect. That eventually led to a lack of affection, a lack of sex, and the end. It sounds different in your situation -- like his lack of respect towards his appearance and health is perhaps more of a turn-off for you (as it would be for most people) than his actual appearance.

Now, from a completely different perspective... In my line of work, I've come across a surprising number of men - all attractive, intelligent, successful and in their 30s - who got into the gym habit and dropped 20-50 lbs because they thought it would make their wives desire them again. So if the sensitive approach isn't working, maybe it's time to appeal to him on a more basic level. Higher causes like setting an example motivate some, but for others, you're better off aiming lower.

Friday, December 16, 2005, 4:04 PM

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I can see what you are saying. I lost about 90# before my husband got serious about weight loss. He had to do it on his own time. He did not mind eating chicken and brown rice. Since then he has droped about 50#s and he did this in about 5 months because he decided to do it, I did not push him.
With your hubby, sit him down, and talk about this situation, tell his EXACTLY how you feel, he might not know, let him know that this is what you want him to do A, B, C for example, I need you to eat right, I need you to workout, and I need you to understand how I feel. Let him know that you are not attracted to him in the same way you once was, that you are worried about our marrage, and etc.
I would do this converstation asap.
jt

Friday, December 16, 2005, 6:10 PM

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Communication is the only way you are going to be able to resolve the issue, and if you do it in a gentle way and he doesn't hear what your saying you might need to be as honest as you can and tell him exactly how you feel. Sometimes you need to hurt someones feelings in order for them to really hear you.

Saturday, December 17, 2005, 3:13 AM

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It's possible that he is depressed. If his weight was constant and then in two years he's gained 30 pounds that is significant. This sounds like it's become quite serious, with your lack of attraction. If he is depressed, telling him that he's not attractive to you could make it worse for him. Of course, we only know a few details, and lives are so complex, but things sound serious for you so I'm thinking you might try some couple's counseling. If he won't go, you can go alone and get some help sorting out these issues. I think we are just not qualified to evaluate this and it can be so many things. I wish you the best.

Saturday, December 17, 2005, 7:10 AM

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OP here: Thank you for your feedback. I thought that I had been talking to my husband about this but the more I read your statements I realized that I was just glazing over the issue and not really explaining to him how I truly feel. I plan to wait until the New Year to talk to him. The holidays are just too busy and we have so many celebrations to attend. I don't want to set him up for disaster but "raising the bar" during this time. Thanks again.

Saturday, December 17, 2005, 7:41 AM

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no words of wisdom

I really have no magic advice, but I really feel the pain of your situation...how hard it must be! Not to be simplistic or a Pollyanna, but after you address the problem concretely and explicitly with him after the holidays, perhaps you can set some small, measurable, achievable goals, together, as a couple, and try to remember and refocus upon the qualities which made you love him initially.

There are so many ups and downs on the rollercoaster of life and marriage; I wish you the best, Please let us know how you progress through this if you feel able to share...Debs

Sunday, December 18, 2005, 1:22 AM

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I agree with the person who says "aim lower." Yeah -- aim below the belt! Guys care about whether or not they are having sex with their wives, don't they? And if yours doesn't care, it's more than likely that he IS severely depressed. Getting him to the doctor might be in order.

Sunday, December 18, 2005, 4:36 PM

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Post-Wedding Pounds

If I were you, I would try talking to your husband. A male relative I love dearly recently got married. After the wedding he gained A LOT of weight. I have no idea how his wife feels, but secretly worry if the cute young woman he just married will eventually become disgusted with all of the fat he put on after the wedding. I find it disrespectful when the moment someone has a ring on their finger they figure the mission of attracting a partner has been accomplished so they no longer have to take care of themselves. A couple committed for life should respect their own bodies for themselves and their partners who have signed up for a physical relationship. You really must talk to him.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005, 9:57 PM

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What happened to this lady and her husband?

Thursday, July 13, 2006, 12:23 PM

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Got this from a friend in an email

Did you all know that extra weight is bad for your heart & it shortens your penis? Men lose a half inch for every 15 pounds you gain. Here’s why: The fat pad that protects your pubic area creeps over the shaft’s base as you get fatter, obscuring perfectly good penis. A better diet and more exercise mean there is more where that comes from.

Are you going to insist your man rethink his position on exercising?

* This article was taken from Men’s Health Magazine.

This just may help some men out there to really get serious or for wifes to try to get their husband to shape up

Thursday, July 13, 2006, 12:41 PM

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can you find a date on that issue of mens health mag? I have several friends I would like to forward that to just to scare them... :)

Thursday, July 13, 2006, 11:48 PM

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I didn't post the above snippet from Men's Health...but I can confirm its validity. I've seen over 1000 naked men (no, not sex partners!!), and weight really does do that, though I don't think it's noticeable until around the +40lb mark. By the time he's 80-100 lbs overweight, it'll remind you of the butterball turkey pop-up timer thing...I wish I were joking.

Thursday, July 13, 2006, 11:55 PM

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I took a prosection class when I was in college. (Where you dissect human cadavers.) Sorry if this grosses people out, but at the time I was interested in Medical Illustration.

At the time, it made me grossed out about being overweight because the fat is very nasty when you have to dissect it. The interesting thing is that over weight people tend to have stronger leg muscles, but you can't tell because it's hidden underneath their body fat...

But, yes, for an over-weight man, the penis does look shorter if he's overweight!

Friday, July 14, 2006, 4:09 AM

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fat husband is a turn off

I'm losing weight and he is not and I am starting to feel freer with my feelings about what I really think.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 3:23 PM

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It's for better or worse. Accept it!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 6:30 PM

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I'm inclined to agree with the last poster... for better or worse.

Sometimes, when we make changes... weight loss, fitness, sobriety, what ever... we tend to think/feel that everyone else needs to do exactly as we are doing.
Why not feel good about what YOU have accomplished? why not sit down with your husband and say something like, "I have an apology to make to you... I've been feeling put off by you lately. It's selfish, I know, and I need to discuss it with you. I hate feeling this way. I love you. Can we make an agreement? I'll work harder at NOT being so shallow, selfish, judgmental etc, if you will maybe join me a day or two a wk at the gym, or some activity, so we can do more together."

I mean seriously... own your feelings. Your husband hasn't done anything "wrong", you're judging him. Talk it out, get off your high horse, and do something fun with your man.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 8:04 PM

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what's this nonsense about waiting until after the New Year??
How long have you been married? how long have you been feeling this way?
what makes you think that waiting another 3-4 months is going to make a difference???
So you don't want to add any stress or bad feelings during all your celebrations... what the hell is he going to think after the new year when you drop this bombshell in his lap?
what are you waiting for?? want to look like the happy couple at all your parties? want to wait to see what he gets you for christmas? communicate!
at the end of the day, this is YOUR issue. what resists persists. the long you wait, the worse things can/will become.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 8:13 PM

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The OP was writing in Dec 2005. Someone else has revived this thread. I'm not married (or even in a relationship) but I have to say that if I was doing loads of work to try and improve my health, I'd be really annoyed if my partner couldn't be bothered to do it too. It would make me think that we probably weren't on the same wavelength. For better or worse, eh. Not if it gets to the stage that worse is irretrievable.

Thursday, September 13, 2007, 7:02 AM

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OMG I know exactly what you mean. I certainly am not to the point that i am doing cycling competions, however I have lost 20 out of 100. I am feeling better and better however I am feeling less attracted to my husband, who seems to be getting even more out of shape. part of it is physical but I think most of it is mental. I just see that he is being lazy and doesnt care about me or our baby enough to change. He has high cholesterol 4x normal to be exact, and has diebeties. I just want him to take care of himself, I am afraid i am going to lose him to a heart atttack {his dad dies of one at the age of 40}. I have tried gently nudging him, just trying to get him to take a walk with me and the baby. I have just tried being blunt and say listen if you dont change you are not gonna live long enough to see your daughter graduate high school, you had to grow up with out a dad do you want that for your daughter. I have tried in between the two extremes. I even tried getting his older brother who he always has really looked up to to try talking to him. Nothing is seeming to work. And the more time goes by the more frustrated i get with him and the less attracted I am to him, like i said i think the attraction is 10% physical and 90% mental. Even if the weight loss was very slow, if he was eating healthy and juust going for a nightly walk at least than I would see that he cares and I think it would make a big diffrence in the atrraction. I just dont know what to do?

Thursday, October 18, 2007, 12:13 PM

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explanation of my last post, i just read the top comment didnt relize it was almost two years old. But doesnt change how I feel.

Thursday, October 18, 2007, 12:18 PM

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Something similar happened to me. You might wan to slow down on the weight loss because it is meant to be a slow and steady thing if it's doen in a healthy way. I started obsessing about calories and exercise and soon enough my period dtopped and I was feeling how you do now, so my guess is your body isn't producing as much estrogene because of your weight loss.

Monday, November 19, 2007, 11:00 PM

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Small Penis

I dated an overweight guy who had what I called "hidden penis." It was indeed hidden. The sex was horrible not only because of the hidden penis, but also because he was so overweight I felt crushed by him. I thought my spleen was going to pop out! Ugh! He proposed 6 months into the relationship. I broke it off. I could not fathom a life of being crushed by a man with a hidden penis.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007, 5:35 PM

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Welcome to my world

Sigh. My husband is 5'8" has a size 44 inch waist and weighs 260. He just had double hernia surgery and the doctor had to call in another person to hold back his fat so she could get to his hernia. She flat out told him he needed to lose weight or he would be right back in here. He hates to exercise and uses every excuse known to man to drink 4 vodka - whatevers a day. He eats huge portions and snacks at midnight. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and I am sure he has diabetes. I work out and have been on the South Beach Diet...I don't eat anything processed or that has sugar unless it's natural sugar, I don't drink. Our sex life is non existent because not only can he not see his penis but he can't keep the little sucker up. I love him though and we have two children. The more I try to tak to him the more he thinks I am attacking him so I have stopped. I am sad to say it is going to take something catastrophic like a heart attack to change his ways. We are only 42! He has issue with alcohol and doesnt' want to quit...can't quit. I am at my wits end. Oh well thanks for letting me vent...I feel better

Tuesday, January 15, 2008, 4:15 PM

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4:15pm

I sure hope your husband has a wake up call without it being catastrophic to you and your family. I'm taking a Cardiac Rehab class taught by a cardiologist and here are today's frightening statistics in America: 50 of Americans will die of cardiovascular disease. For those people in that 50% category, their first symptom they have the disease will be a sudden, fatal heart attack. I hope your husband reads this.

Good job on sticking to your exercise and nutrition plan. I'm hoping some of your good habits will rub off on him!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008, 7:52 PM

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i can understand this completely...not being attracted to my husband. but the wieght issues are my own. he is fot and trim, where i am a big chubb. i lost 75 pounds almost 2 years ago and was down to a size 10 and felt so good about myself. i was never physically attracted to my husband, but getting skinny again and feeling confident about the way i looked drove me to stray. i'm not proud to admit it, but i felt like, for the first time in years, that i could get a man who i was attracted to and who was also attracted to me. and the guy i strayed with was a dynamo. wow! it was amazing, and i attacked the ppor thing 100 times a day because i had been deprived for so long. i'm not sure what my exact point is in all of this, except that i do think that what we weigh and how we perceive ourselves as a result has such profound affects on our behavior. i am a chubb again because of pregnancy, and i am still with my husband, but i know that when i lose the weight again, i might stray again too.

Thursday, July 24, 2008, 4:21 PM

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My hubbie is 5/10 and 290. He starts to eat better and exercise and then fails. I too have struggled with weight issues and in the last year I dropped20 lbs by eating right and working out. We have two kids. I love him and I know what you mean about losing attraction. For me, it is not only a physical turn-off that he 's very fat, but I see it as an unwillingness to suck it up and make a valid effort. Maybe that means you don't have an extra scoop of ice-cream or fries with a burger adn actually make a go of eating right. This is actually more of a turn off, b/c I see him as weak. I've asked him to see a therapist b/c maybe his issues are emotional - refuses. I got him to join a gym, he did and now he blames me for "making" him do it and wasting money b/c he stopped going. I prepare the food my way though, and if it isn't easy cheesy enough or good enough, well then he can add whatever else he wants to it. It is truly hard to motivate someone - they either want it bad enough, or they don't. I feel for you - I'm right there too.

Thursday, July 24, 2008, 4:40 PM

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not attracted to hubby

I will share my experience for what it is worth.

"attraction" is a complex physical/emotional/spiritual process.

Three years ago, I felt I was no longer "in love" with my husband. He was physically attractive (women follow him like puppies!) but because of our complex history, I was repulsed by the idea of intimacy with him.

I spoke with our priest, and he told me that love is not an emotion, it is an action; that if we start to treat someone like we love them, the emotional feeling of attraction will follow.

Needless to say, it took me awhile to try his advice. I had so much anger I hadn't faced up to! I finally made a committment to treat my husband with love and respect. I even convinced him to attend Retrouvaille with me. I gritted my teeth and went out of my way to perform loving actions for him. I stated turning his socks right-side out when I washed them. I started packing his lunch for work (while I had a FT and a PT job myself.) I looked for nice things I could say to him without lying (and THAT one was TOUGH, believe you me!)

Long story short, 3 years later we are like newlyweds only better. We have worked through a lot of complex issues and the physical attraction is phenominal (in spite of the fact that I am still battling my personal demons with weight.) We can hardly wait to see each other at the end of the day. We have started biking and hiking together. And the spiritual dimiension of our marriage is better than it has been in a long time.

Resources I recommend: www.retrouvaille.org, www.loveandrespect.com, book: "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley.

Thursday, July 24, 2008, 5:22 PM

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My h. is very slim, even though he has gained some weight lately. I have been larger since baby birthing. We go through cycles of attraction, just like most folks. To OP, I hope you are still reading this thread. The PP is right on. You need to work on your attitude to him, because it will reflect in how he sees himself. If we wives demonstrate our appreciation of our husbands, be their cheerleaders, listen (even when they are talking baloney) and especially, especially, do not try to manage them or usurp their authority in the house (I am a modern woman, not a Victorian, but it is true.). If you try to be the man of the house, and tell him what to do, how to think, make jokes about masculinity, or anything like that, then you will deflate him like a balloon. When you encourage him, let him make the larger decisions for the household (even if they are the worst decisions in the world) then you empower him, and when he feels more empowered, he will look at himself differently and possibly start to lose weight and take care of himself. If he feels like a man, he will act like one. If he feels like he is not a man or the Man to you, he will, over time, stop trying. Don't let that happen. Its devastating for him, for you, and for your kids.

If you tell him things like I don't find you attractive anymore, you will pretty much kill your relationship and it is hard to rebuild. My husband and I did that "crazy cycle" for a long time, and still get into it sometimes, but have really healed a lot of brokenness.

Try also Emerson Eggerich's Love and Respect materials. We went to that workshop and it was really good, and very helpful.

Thursday, July 24, 2008, 5:56 PM

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Your husband is clearly not someone you want to be with anymore. He will continue to get worse.

Cut anchor and run. You only get one life, don't waste it on a marriage you don't want to be in.

If you still love your husband otherwise, give him one last shot then if he doesn't decide to get healthy then say goodbye.

Friday, July 25, 2008, 12:31 AM

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Someone wrote:
"Your husband is clearly not someone you want to be with anymore. He will continue to get worse.

"Cut anchor and run. You only get one life, don't waste it on a marriage you don't want to be in.

"If you still love your husband otherwise, give him one last shot then if he doesn't decide to get healthy then say goodbye."

If that's all your marriage vows mean to you, I am truly sorry. You will probably spend your life in an endless cycle of love, disillusionment, departure and search.

Amazing as it sounds to 21st century people, you DO NOT have a soulmate. The new person you select will be just as uncompatible to you as the spouse you dumped because wherever you go, there you are. Until you decide that all those words about "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, 'til death do us part" are something more than pretty phrases you said because you happened to feel that way that day, you will always feel you have the option of cutting and running when the going gets tough. That makes me extremely sad for you.


Friday, July 25, 2008, 9:24 AM

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I agree with 9:24 p.m. If that's all marriage vows is, then that's pathetic.

Friday, July 25, 2008, 9:58 AM

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I realize that the op wrote acouple years ago, but am still responding anyway.
First of all I feel that women's feelling have more to do with mental then physical. If you look at your husband as obese and think about how awful he looks you will talk yourself into not loving him. If you look at him with love in your eyes despite his physical appearance, he is still the man you married and you will treat him as such. I agree to a pp when she said to do loving acts, speak kindly and do favors. I also recommend going to a counselor, together preferabley. He needs to talk it out and work it out as to why he is feeling depressed and you need to be a part of that. Even though he is the one who suggested the workout, you took it to heart and are a success, this could be very demeaning to him and sees himself as a failure.
I do not agree with jumping ship just because there are physical changes in one or both of the partners. You can still build on that and still love each other and have a wonderful relationship. I do not feel that it is necessarily shallow that you want your spouse to be slimmer and healthier. He/she is not a trophy but a partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with and hopefully, without the medical complications that come with obesity. However, I am not a hardcore advocate of "for better for worse" either. My ex was mentally abusive, ignored the kids and I most of the time and raped me. There are some very good reasons for parting company and they tend to be more along the lines of saving your own or your childrens life, and not, well we just fell out of love.


Friday, July 25, 2008, 11:04 AM

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My Momma always said....

My mom always told me that we, as humans, can love more than one person, but we choose who we love and we chose to stay in love with them. So, when she and Dad got married, that meant she made her desicion of who to love for better or worse. Sometimes in life, that may mean working hard at keeping the love alive and avoiding forming relationships with other people who may also stir feelings. They were married 30 years when he died suddenly and her philosphy left her open to fall in love with another wonderful man. All of her children have been happily married for years.
However, there are obvious and not so obvious situations where staying married isn't the best choice for anyone. I couldn't begin to guess what some people go through making that desicion.

Friday, July 25, 2008, 11:09 AM

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4:21

Why on earth would you have a child with a man that you aren't attracted to? (Is it even his?) And why would you stay? You claim you may stray again, do you have any idea what that can do to a child? You sound very selfish if you are already putting your own needs before your husband and future child. If you want someone else, have the b*lls to say it to his face instead of being a coward and sneaking around. You can't have it all.................

Friday, July 25, 2008, 1:34 PM

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1:34

It is not my intention to be selfish at all. I am simply being honest. My child is not my husband's. His biological father is the man who I strayed with. My husband and I have attempted to reconcile, but I can't resurrect the old feelings that I had for him. He was my best friend, and I loved him, but I was never sexually attracted to him. And you're right - I am a coward. I don't have the balls to hurt him again by telling him that I want to sleep with other men. I am stuck because I don't want to hurt him.

Friday, July 25, 2008, 3:59 PM

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1:34

Just one more thing....what about my needs? Do I not count at all? Just as my husband and child have needs, I do too.

Friday, July 25, 2008, 4:00 PM

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I find it interesting that you consider cheating on your husband with other men a "need"

Friday, July 25, 2008, 4:04 PM

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obviously, there are needs that i have that my husband doesn't meet

Friday, July 25, 2008, 4:09 PM

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I am not any of the pps, but 4:09 your "needs" can cause a lot of pain. You're straying will hurt your husband, possibly your child. You could lose your child. On top of that their are so many vd's out there. You could die. What you do need is self control. Quit planting the idea in your head that you will stray again. Yes you do have needs, so teach your husband to meet them. Seek counseling. Find other avenues, interests, hobbies to meet your needs in another manner. Buy a vibrator, but dont cheat.

Friday, July 25, 2008, 11:28 PM

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i guess my point was missed here. i don't want counseling. i don't want to teach my husband to please me, because i am flat out not attracted to him. AT ALL. I do not want to have sex with him. ever.

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 10:28 AM

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How do you think your husband will feel when he finds out that you have been stringing him along for however many years just because you dont want to hurt him? It will hurt far worse for him to find out further down the line realizing that he was making you miserable. You will resent him more and more as time goes on. Does he know about the other guy? Its time for you to be honest with him. Allow both of you the opportunity to decide if you still want to dwell in the same house together or to part company while you are still speaking to each other.

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 10:52 AM

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yes, he knows about the other man. we have been trying to reconcile, but i can't seem to get myself to feel the way he wants me to. i used to love him, and i still do, but not the same way. i know i am a shithead and a coward. i just know how much pain i have caused already, and i can't bear to hurt him again. i also feel like i owe him for hurting him - like this is my penance.

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 1:38 PM

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That's such a cop out. Bottom line, you don't want to be "that woman". The woman who has affairs on her husband and everyone knows it. You stay married, then maybe he won't go around announcing what you did to him. Be honest that this isn't about not hurting him because your actions state that clearly you could give two sh*ts about him. If you stay with your husband, believe me you are not doing him any favors. Don't you think you've hurt him enough that one more is going to make a difference? And your needs? Fine, you're not attracted to him. That's legit. I'm not saying that you should stay and sacrifice your happiness as "penance". But don't stay and make yourself out to be some sort of martyr...........have the courage to say what's wrong, file for divorce, and let HIM find some kind of happiness, because your sneaking and staying ways are preventing him from finding someone who really does want to be with him. And if you could care less about him, then you wouldn't mind him doing exactly that. It seems to me that if you're trying to reconcile with a man you have no interest in, you're doing it for purely selfish reasons. And I'm assuming that he is raising this child, so the effects are exactly the same as if it was his. The fact that you would even ask about your needs above those of your child is mind boggling. Ask yourself: would you want your child to grow up and do what you're doing, or have it done to him?

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 4:45 PM

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all i want is to be able to meet my needs IN ADDITION to those of my child. i am not sure where people got the idea that i am not thinking about my child's needs.

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 6:01 PM

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don't waste your husband's time... move on.

Sunday, July 27, 2008, 7:14 PM

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I am a man, my woman did teach me to eat healty and continued to have great sex. (i thought) until i lost 80 pounds and discovered a good reason to stay more fit... more ways to get the parts to fit... sorry, but that was my motoviation. and I wanted her to be proud of me.
too bad... in the end we did not make it. she is skinny and fit, and i am still working on it.. on my own.


Sunday, July 27, 2008, 7:56 PM

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6:01 - I think that you need to take a deep breath and think about where you want your life to go. Do you really want to spend precious years with someone you love but aren't in love with? Do you really want to waste HIS time when he could move on and find someone who would be in love with him? We all have needs and we all have to make decisions on how to meet them. You need to have an honest and candid conversation with him. If the truth is laid out on the table I think you both will see that going your separate ways is the answer. You both deserve to be happy with the one you are with. Not just passing time and wishing for a differnt life. Go and get that life and be happy - BOTH of you. Your child will thank you because growing up in a truly loving and happy home is better than being in a forced situation.

I have to ask ... if your husband knows about the other men - does he know the child isn't his? You said you never want to be with him but if he thinks it is his then you must have been somewhere along the line. Just curious.

Best of luck to you.

Monday, July 28, 2008, 2:37 AM

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My last thoughts on this situation - the rationale about "don't waste your presious time, go forth, be happy" doesn't work on so many levels I can't count them.

The three that stick out are:

1. You're never going to find that "certain someone" who completes you. Every relationship has a disillusionment stage when you realize that your chosen partner isn't the perfect dream you once imagined - well, guess what, niether are you! Remaining faithful and working things out together is much more rewarding than jumping from new crush to new crush until something changes (and usually not for the better.)

2. Would you leave your spouse if they suffered massive deforming injuries in a car crash or a fire? What if you were not only "not attracted" to him anymore, but sex was actually a physical impossibility? Is that sufficient reason to dump the "dead weight"?

3. Last, but certainly not least, is the implied assumption that this life is all there is. For those of us who believe in a Supreme Being, this brief life is just a fraction of all of the Zoe (god-life) that we will have. Sometimes, struggle, growth, and even pain in this world create a god-consciousness and a conformity to the mind of god that constant pursuit of "happiness" can never begin to provide.

I subscribe to Pascal's belief that it's far better to waste 70 or 80 years on this planet than an entire eternity. And, amazingly, those people I truly admire who are far ahead of me on this path don't seem to be wasting anything. They have stopped seeking personal happiness for a higher cause, and SURPRISE! they seem to be the happiest people on the planet.

My $0.02. You can decide what you do with it.



Monday, July 28, 2008, 11:05 AM

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Regardless of how you feel about the needs of your child, I still feel you are being selfish. You want both worlds. You want the freedom to go off and have your fun, pick up other men, perhaps find someone "better suited" for you, while keeping your security blanket friend at home to babysit, and the house all warm and ready for you so at least you still have a place to eat and sleep. Quit using him. Quit making excuses. Quit leaving him in limbo. You have already made up your mind that it is not going to work and you have no desire for him, but you dont want him as an enemy either. The kindest thing you could do for him is to kindly explain this to him and leave. Still be friends, still use him to babysit if he wants, but quit stringing him along. That is pathetic.

Monday, July 28, 2008, 11:08 AM

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i like you 11:08. you kick my ass on here every day. now, how about some advice on where to get the balls to carry it out?

Monday, July 28, 2008, 2:54 PM

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Honestly? I would suggest to start with counseling. It is not just for people trying to get their marriage back on track, but for anyone. Admitting to someone how you feel and asking for help (basically as you did here) can be humiliating and empowering all at the same time. When I went, the first thing I told her was that this sounds selfish, but I dont want to work on my marriage I want to work on me. I need confidence and to find my direction. She told me I wasnt being selfish but that I was taking control of my life for a more positive future and that my children needed to see me stand up for myself. The questions she asked helped me to find out who I was and why and what direction I wanted to go in.
Next, start thinking where you want to be. Do you want to live on your own? Do you want to have a roommate? what about your career? How will you be taking care of your baby? It can be helpful to write things down. Put a small tablet in your purse and write in it when you have new thoughts or goals. Start checking out costs, etc. Will your husband help you out so you can get out on your own? Once you have some direction perhaps it will be easier to talk things out with him. A counselor will encourage you to talk it out with him, perhaps asking him to come in for a session as well. It will be hard, no doubt, but it will make you a stronger person, believe me.
Get your mindframe set that you are going to be honest or dont answer. Honesty is one of the most important traits we can have.
Sometimes it helps to take babysteps until we are ready for the big ones.


Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 12:11 PM

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You get the balls to do it by admitting you can't look your child in the face because you are not living an honest life. Lack of balls is not your issue if you can play house with this man every day while you go out and bang other guys You can certainly get up the courage to walk out and do him the biggest favor ever.

Give me his email address and I'll tell him if you can't. That's how much you need to let him off the hook.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 1:20 PM

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11:05 I don't want to get into a whole spiritual/religious debate, but are you seriously advocating her staying? I'm with you that the fault is on her, but should this poor schlub of a husband have to suffer for the rest of his life because of her issues? Maybe she should suck it up and live with him for the sake of future lives, but what did he do to deserve living his life like this? Doesn't he deserve a better life.....if he went into this in good faith why should he be punished with her forever?

Your position suggests that he should somehow pay for choosing someone who didn't hold up her end of the bargain. He deserves to go forward and meet someone who will make this life (and all others in the future) much brighter.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 1:26 PM

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1:26, The husband didn't ask for my advice. He certainly has the grounds and reason to seek a divorce and start his life over. Seems like to me he was conned, cuckolded and generally treated like garbage.
I was just trying to bring a little long-term thinking to a debate that seems to be spiralling increasingly into 21st century narcissism: What about ME? Don't I-I-I deserve to be happy? Why should I tolerate being uncomfortable for a single minute, when I can jump out of this (frying pan) and into (some other, more inviting frying pan, or the fire)? There are certainly many many people in the world, of all beliefs and creeds, who would be appalled at how easily we invalidate our vows as soon as it becomes inconvenient to keep them.



Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 1:45 PM

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1:26 here
I think we are in complete agreement, but just with different approaches. I absolutely think that people are completely self absorbed and entitled when it comes to "their needs." I'm so sick of people and their "But what about me?" attitudes.

I guess my viewpoint is merely that she shouldn't even consider staying because it only hurts him in the long run. Her needs are inconsequential, and it's an unfortunate bonus that she gets her freedom by leaving him. Normally, I would go with the "you made your bed now lay in it" opinion, but I feel so badly for this guy that I am motivated to offer her cash to scram just so maybe he can have a better life. At this point the bigger issue is not her invalidating her vows, but the wasted time this man will never get back by her indifference.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 2:01 PM

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you know, i haven't actually slept with any other men since the affair that i had. and i hadn't cheated before that either. i am a fat woman, and that makes me disgusting. men don't want fat women. when women have gastric bypass or lap band surgery, they are counselled that the weight loss will improve their self esteem and that it may have profound negative affects on their marriages. these women often leave their husbands. in fact, as a counselor, i just talked to a client today whose wife is leaving him because she had lap band and doesn't want him anymore now that she actually likes herself. my point is that i deserve to actually like myself, just as all of you do , and my improved self esteem might make me feel like i want someone else. i have had sex maybe a dozen times in as many years. what would you do if you were in my shoes?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 4:28 PM

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I'd throw them away and buy some new ones - you have the original "cruel shoes!"
That being said, no amount of low self esteem/vicitmization/emotional issues gives us the right to victimize somebody else. When we are unfaithful to our spouse, that causes irreparable harm to him and to countless others. You just can't justify skanking around by saying "nobody ever wanted me before, boohoo! - now that I'm thin I'll jump in the sack with some guy." Did it help your self-esteem to realize the cheating creep you slept with probably wouldn't have given you the time of day when you were fat?

You say you are a counselor - have you investigated ways to develop appropriate self esteem from within, based on who you are, and not in relation to your physiognomy or sexuality? When you let being desirable to some other person rule your self-esteem, you are in for the rocket sled to Hell. Your self esteem now depends on the mood, hormones, life experience, and whims of somebody you can never control. Sounds like instead of BEING a counselor, you need to GET TO a decent counselor and learn to love yourself. I would recommend a Christian counselor who can help you make amends for the damage you are wreaking - half of your self esteem problem might be guilt and remorse!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 5:20 PM

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OP, I like you a lot better after your 4:28 post. Your first one made you sound slutty like you were eagerly looking for more affairs and out to satisy yourself.
To find out this was a one time thing at least shows some restraint. I hope that with the ups and downs that this thread is taking that you are still taking care of yourself and your baby and not hitting the late night snacks.
You are right when you said that after women have lap band surgery or gastric bypass that their self esteem improves and it may take a toll on their marriage. This is true for men as well. Whenever a person makes a change, especially a drastic one, it can take its toll. You marry someone for who they are and when they change you may not be changing with them or be ready for the change that they make. (I am a giver and spent my married life catering to hubby and running the kids around. All he knew is what he wanted and demanded all the time. After he pulled some cruel stunts on me, and I spent much time crying, I finally went to the counselor. Little by little I began standing up for myself. I told him I didnt have time, or he needed to be responsible for himself. It was very hard, but little by little I managed to start standing up for myself. He couldnt deal with it because he was used to bossing me around and started staying away. This was to get me to realize how important he was. Problem is, I enjoyed him being gone and told him to make it permanent. I found a job and moved on. This is definitely the very short version but intended to give an example of how change in one person affects the other and can cause seperation)
From what I read in your 4:28 post is that you are projecting ahead to what you MAY feel as you feel better about yourself. You definitely deserve to feel good about yourself. We all do. And it is true that as you feel better, you may not want to be with him. But he is still him, your best friend. He still needs companionship and to feel good also. Would it help you to know how he feels about you? He might be feeling the same as you and just riding it out for you to make the first move. Personally, I dont think you are cruel, I think you are confused and need to take the time to think out what you truely want and to talk it over with your hubby. It can be really hard to start the conversations and so, perhaps it would be easier to pick a topic per night or to give yourselves a time limit. It wont be so stressful with a limit put on it and then it gives each of you some time to step back and reflect a bit. Good luck, hon.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008, 8:19 PM

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Thank you!

I wasn't sure how to deal with my husband's obesity (has acute cardiomyopathy, blood pressure issues, and is about 285). I've done the "I'm just not that into you" talk because of the limited sexual positions, his grotesque belly, and yes, although I've never said it, the turtle head penis. But your thread about treating him with respect isn't what I'm doing. I push him away while he is trying to be affectionate. I don't want to kiss him as he wishes to be kissed b/c I'm afraid I'll have to get naked with him. I know I do that but I don't know how to get past my feelings about his severe obesity and the fact that if I do give him any kind of attention, it means to HIM that I want to go to bed with him when I so don't. I'm actually up late right now so that he'll be asleep when I get there. It's really difficult living this way esp if I'm honest, he's my best friend. I'm certainly not treating him like one but can't get past how I see him!
I too have been working out, am losing slowly but surely, and simply see him getting larger as he awaits a Lap Band surgery which I think has given him license to eat. I also worry that b/c of his eating habits, the Lap Band probably won't work and his weight, with the bad heart, will kill him. I'm hoping that you will read this and give me the right words to say so that I can break it to him easily that I do love him, he's my best friend, but I don't want to have sex with him b/c of this lack of attraction. He has never judged me for weight gain after 4 children so I feel badly about how I feel about him; however, I've never been 100 pounds overweight: I'm about 40 over and am 18 less than when I started this journey of healthy living so it's a start!
I hope that you're still on this thread and can offer some advice for loving kindness from me as well as dealing with the issues of decreased sexual desire for him. I appreciate someone's comment about getting into the fact that his penis is smaller than when we married, that I don't enjoy the sex, so I opt out. How can I get this message across to him honestly without crushing him emotionally.
Thanks so much,
Trying So Hard to Find a Way

Sunday, April 19, 2009, 10:46 PM

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It's interesting to read all this. I have been in 2 fairly long relationships (one was 6 years and one was 7 1/2 years) that didn't end up lasting and have been single (in no relationship, not really even dating for the most part) for the last 10 years. Looking at all of this from a distance, I see the situation as a spectator to relationships.

Obviously, I am no expert on marriage. But it is interesting because, there are really multiple roles that the marriage takes. One is the partner, best friend for life no matter what. And the other is that this person is meant to be the receptor of all one's sexual desire and physical intimacy.

Evolutionally this was the plan so that couples would remain a strong bond for the survival of the children and perhaps for each other too. Actually, if you think of this historically, at one time people did not live as long as they do now in general, so overall life expectancy and long-term relationships were shorter when committed for life.

I don't know if anything should change in these beliefs, there is the assurance that this person will be there and hang in there for you if you hang in there for them. They are security, security that in many ways you can actually give to yourself without a partner. Still there are also the benefits of having another person be that security, someone to be there for you. Sometimes, old relationships can remain friendships and the partner will remain there for you at least partly there for you (such is my case).

Anyway it is interesting to reflect that we have plutonic best friends that we love, and family members, like parents and siblings that we love, and we are faithful to these dear friends and family members and stand by these dear partnerships because they are deep and meaningful. However we aren't required to have sex with our plutonic best friends and family members. Yet once we commit to a partner that we felt attracted to at one point in our lives, and then stopped desiring in that way later, we are still required to keep being sexual with this best friend that we currently feel more sexually plutonic with. I don't have a conclusion, I am just reflecting on the scenario.

Monday, April 20, 2009, 5:46 AM

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i dumped my last boyfriend because not only was he gaining weight, he was making ME fat. there were a ton of other factors that played into my dumping him, like his attitude and you-need-me crap, but a lot of it was the fact that i couldn't break bad habits with him and he wasn't exactly trying himself.

i have a similar situation with my best friend. she's been with her boyfriend for 5 years and over that time she's gained over 100 lbs. they have a horrible relationship and she refuses to admit it. and that's not exactly something you can just tell someone. she never sticks to anything so she has yet to get serious about losing weight. and for that, no one respects her because we can't take her seriously.

i personally cannot stand to be around people who aren't working to better themselves in some way, whether it be losing weight, going to school, or whatever. i'm one of those crazy perfectionists who can't sit still for a second and is always trying to improve, otherwise i feel like a waste of space, and i can't help casting that image onto people who don't do anything about their own problems. that causes me to have no respect for them and then i just can't be with them.

Monday, April 20, 2009, 10:10 AM

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wow

whata ride. Your a strong lady. I have a husband who is 400 pounds and had hernia surgry years ago....hes stubborn. But, thank god he doesnt drink. I couldn't deal with that. Yet, my frustration is similar to your situation. How can we love them? My husband is very disrespectful to women. I hate that. but, I have my own things to worry about. And, I don't believe I should change him, maybe im wrong. Do you love someone for who they are, or love them so they will become who we think they should be. I don't know, anyhow good luck and just love yourself.

Monday, April 27, 2009, 1:44 AM

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OP Be careful! I can't count on one hand the number of woman, Who Got tired of their husband , and dumped him, someone else picked him up. it can happen to you!

Monday, April 27, 2009, 9:08 PM

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I know this thread has been dead for a bit, but thank you for advice. I too am a skinnier chubby girl married to a morbidly obese man (370 lbs, 6ft). I've been struggling with my lack of desire for him for a while. I'm turned off by the idea of sex, but don't know how to express this to him....don't want to hurt his feelings...

Someone else wrote about her husband waiting for lapband and that's where mine is too! What scares me is that we are young (I'm 28, he is 31). We should be able to go out and have fun, but he is too fat to do any of it. The fatness is a secondary problem...my true problem is with his laziness, lack of determination/motivation, etc....

Monday, August 30, 2010, 11:44 PM

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I have been reading all this posts about Not being attracted to Husband.
I can relate to the pain that a heavy person brings to the marriage.

1. I want to let you know that heavy people are big because something has happen in their lifes, people are not bulemic, obese because they like to be like that, but for physchological reasons that have happen in their lifes. be patient with them and love them over all. Be persistant and love them.

2. I admire the wisdom of several people that still understand what marriage vows are. If every single "fit" person would have the same determination to work in their marriage like they have had the determination to get themselves fit, there would not be as many obese married people.
What woman need is: Love, affection, not being yelled at that they are fat, as they know this.
What man need is: Respect! and love, woman need to still respect their husbands even thought they make wrong decisions.
If we have this things, then people will have he desire to do something! and they will star walking off from that depression.



To 11:44
I would like to let you know that my husband is a slim person. He has always been like that. I am a obese woman, My husband talked to me about my weight and he pour out his feelings. I knew that if i would not do something i would loose him and i decided to do something. I knew that for my weight it was going to take years all together to be in a regular shape. So i decided for a gastric bypass.
I know numerous people who have done it and are in a great shape now.

What you need to do is talk to him and lovingly tell him how exactly you feel, write it down if you can and then talk to him. Point by point, then tell him, I Love you and I want to be with you and i want to help you. If he desides for gastric or lap band, then support him, love him and respect him.
Its a drastic thing to do, but for his weight its pretty much the only option, if he is the type of person that will never walk or eat differently. then this is the last resort and it works.

my .02 cents.
all the best.

Thursday, September 02, 2010, 1:31 PM

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The cheater said....

"And you're right - I am a coward. I don't have the balls to hurt him again by telling him that I want to sleep with other men. I am stuck because I don't want to hurt him. "

You're not really stuck. I've been where you are and finally deciding the stress of hiding and lying weren't worth it and came clean with my husband. It wasn't easy, and I was perhaps a coward too, in that I did some research on open marriages before I told him. I wanted to see if an open marriage might be a possibility for us. Turns out it was, and while that's our arrangement now, we're also in marriage counseling to try to fix the problems that sent me looking for love elsewhere. As strange as it sounds, we're committed to our marriage, and being open and honest about my "outside" relationship has helped us more than hurt us. I WANT to want my husband again, so that I don't feel the need to search elsewhere.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 11:29 AM

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