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Not attracted to husband

I'm not proud of my feelings but I'm just not as attracted to my husband since losing weight. Let me explain a little more before you classify me as shallow...

2 years ago it was his idea to get in better shape. I thought it was a good idea and wanted to be supportive so I did it too. I've stuck with it for the past 2 years and have lost 50 pounds, started to compete in cycling events, and have completely changed my approach to eating. He stuck with it for about 3 days and then went back to his old habits. He has gained about 30 pounds over the past 2 years.

My problem is that I'm just not as attracted to him physically anymore because he is very overweight. I'm also not attracted to him mentally because he isn't even trying and I'm frustrated with his lack of determination.

I don't know what to do. He won't eat the foods I eat (whole wheat pasta, vegetarian dishes, grilled chicken breasts etc...) and he doesn't exercise. Many people say to continue to be a good example and it will rub off on him...that's clearly not working for my husband. I don't pressure or nag him to eat right or exercise but I do try to include him and ask him if he wants to go to the gym.

I don't know what to do. I'm worried about his health and our marriage. Does anybody else have similiar feelings or have you tried something that worked with your family?

Fri. Dec 16, 1:41pm

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Have you sat down with him and told him gently that you don't see him as attractive (not just physically) lately because of his lifestyle habits and negative attitude? Reassure him that you love him but you want him to lead others by example (esp if you have children). Let him know that you want to admire him and all that he does and want a partner in life to get through problems together and also to challenge each other. Maybe it will make him want to impress you with his charm that swept you off your feet in the first place.

Friday, December 16, 2005, 1:52 PM

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I've been on your husband's side of this equation...I won't go into the horrible headgames my ex played with my weight/self-image, but I can tell you that it all came down to a loss of respect. That eventually led to a lack of affection, a lack of sex, and the end. It sounds different in your situation -- like his lack of respect towards his appearance and health is perhaps more of a turn-off for you (as it would be for most people) than his actual appearance.

Now, from a completely different perspective... In my line of work, I've come across a surprising number of men - all attractive, intelligent, successful and in their 30s - who got into the gym habit and dropped 20-50 lbs because they thought it would make their wives desire them again. So if the sensitive approach isn't working, maybe it's time to appeal to him on a more basic level. Higher causes like setting an example motivate some, but for others, you're better off aiming lower.

Friday, December 16, 2005, 4:04 PM

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I can see what you are saying. I lost about 90# before my husband got serious about weight loss. He had to do it on his own time. He did not mind eating chicken and brown rice. Since then he has droped about 50#s and he did this in about 5 months because he decided to do it, I did not push him.
With your hubby, sit him down, and talk about this situation, tell his EXACTLY how you feel, he might not know, let him know that this is what you want him to do A, B, C for example, I need you to eat right, I need you to workout, and I need you to understand how I feel. Let him know that you are not attracted to him in the same way you once was, that you are worried about our marrage, and etc.
I would do this converstation asap.

Friday, December 16, 2005, 6:10 PM

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Communication is the only way you are going to be able to resolve the issue, and if you do it in a gentle way and he doesn't hear what your saying you might need to be as honest as you can and tell him exactly how you feel. Sometimes you need to hurt someones feelings in order for them to really hear you.

Saturday, December 17, 2005, 3:13 AM

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It's possible that he is depressed. If his weight was constant and then in two years he's gained 30 pounds that is significant. This sounds like it's become quite serious, with your lack of attraction. If he is depressed, telling him that he's not attractive to you could make it worse for him. Of course, we only know a few details, and lives are so complex, but things sound serious for you so I'm thinking you might try some couple's counseling. If he won't go, you can go alone and get some help sorting out these issues. I think we are just not qualified to evaluate this and it can be so many things. I wish you the best.

Saturday, December 17, 2005, 7:10 AM

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OP here: Thank you for your feedback. I thought that I had been talking to my husband about this but the more I read your statements I realized that I was just glazing over the issue and not really explaining to him how I truly feel. I plan to wait until the New Year to talk to him. The holidays are just too busy and we have so many celebrations to attend. I don't want to set him up for disaster but "raising the bar" during this time. Thanks again.

Saturday, December 17, 2005, 7:41 AM

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no words of wisdom

I really have no magic advice, but I really feel the pain of your hard it must be! Not to be simplistic or a Pollyanna, but after you address the problem concretely and explicitly with him after the holidays, perhaps you can set some small, measurable, achievable goals, together, as a couple, and try to remember and refocus upon the qualities which made you love him initially.

There are so many ups and downs on the rollercoaster of life and marriage; I wish you the best, Please let us know how you progress through this if you feel able to share...Debs

Sunday, December 18, 2005, 1:22 AM

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I agree with the person who says "aim lower." Yeah -- aim below the belt! Guys care about whether or not they are having sex with their wives, don't they? And if yours doesn't care, it's more than likely that he IS severely depressed. Getting him to the doctor might be in order.

Sunday, December 18, 2005, 4:36 PM

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Post-Wedding Pounds

If I were you, I would try talking to your husband. A male relative I love dearly recently got married. After the wedding he gained A LOT of weight. I have no idea how his wife feels, but secretly worry if the cute young woman he just married will eventually become disgusted with all of the fat he put on after the wedding. I find it disrespectful when the moment someone has a ring on their finger they figure the mission of attracting a partner has been accomplished so they no longer have to take care of themselves. A couple committed for life should respect their own bodies for themselves and their partners who have signed up for a physical relationship. You really must talk to him.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005, 9:57 PM

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What happened to this lady and her husband?

Thursday, July 13, 2006, 12:23 PM

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