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Advice or books on divorce?
Does anyone have any advice for people going through divorce that have young (age 8) children? Do you know of any good books that talk about how to help ease the pain of divorce?
Fri. Sep 14, 12:16pm
GET AN ATTORNEY!!!! No matter what, even if things are perfectly cordial between you and you part as friends you MUST protect yourself and make sure you get what you should.
Friday, September 14, 2007, 1:10 PM
Thank you for the advice, I do have an attorney. I am hoping someone has some advice for how to help kids through it.
Friday, September 14, 2007, 3:48 PM
be there . be a friend. be willing to listen. understand thier moods may change. behavior as well can chnage. talk to them.. ask them how they are? help them to understand that its NOT thier fault and that both thier parents still love them.
no matter what is happening that kid needs both parents. probably will be feeling like they did something wrong. maybe suggest a bit of counseling to the parents so the kidcan open up and let thier feelings out a bit.
the kids may not talk to the parents , but may talk to a friend or a stranger first.
just a few thoughts.
Friday, September 14, 2007, 6:13 PM
thank you for that comment, I really appreciate it. Has anyone been through this and have stories of how they made it easier on the kids?
Friday, September 14, 2007, 6:59 PM
Make a concerted effort to not speak badly about their father in front of them. My mom followed this rule and it made all the difference.
Monday, September 17, 2007, 12:15 AM
OP - Thought of You
I saw a commercial for an upcoming Oprah to air on Wednesday the September 26th. The topic is divorce and kids and the impact of what you say about it. There's also some expert giving advice on how to explain divorce to kids. HTH!
Friday, September 21, 2007, 10:27 PM
Thank you so much! I will plan to watch or tape the show. I bet they will have an expert on there that has a book too =)
Saturday, September 22, 2007, 8:21 AM
As the grown child of divorced parents, I can tell you that there is nothing you can do to make this "OK" for your children. When I was a child I was very happy that my parents got a divorce because it meant the fighting would be over. Now as an adult with a successful marriage and children of my own I realize just how selfish my parents were to divorce. Divorce equals putting yourself before your children (who didn't ask to be brought into this world). When ever you put yourself before someone else (dangerous situations aside) you basically say to them, "my happieness means more to me than your happiness". That fact screams to me now as an adult knowing what it takes to make a marriage work. My parents were selfish, self absorbed people who only cared about their own happiness and sacrificed nothing to ensure a happy home for their children. If you haven't done EVERYTHING possible to make your marriage work, I urge you to try. My heart aches for your children (as well as you and your husband) who will have issues of some sort the rest of their lives. No one walks away from a divorce unscathed.
Saturday, September 22, 2007, 11:27 AM
If your kids are younger chances are they will take it out on the person they are with the most and the one they trust the most. So don't be surprise if they get mad at you, say terrible things or act out in some way or another. If they are older then they will have seen how your marriage really was and if you and you ex part on good terms it should be a little easier on them.
My parents separated when I was 9. It didn't bother me at all. I knew they weren't happy but I also knew they were better as friends then as a couple. In the end we saw more of my father and we always did things together. They remained good friends until my dad died.
Saturday, September 22, 2007, 12:08 PM
I , too, am from a family with divorced parents. The truth is, it it doesn't matter as much what you do during the divorce, as it does what you do before and after. The actions, lack of communication, fighting, etc. that brought you to this divorce were probably more hurtful to the children than the divorce ever could be. Also, if the family communicates, stays close, and the other parent is always available and open, it makes all the difference after the divorce. I , personally, was also happy that my parents divorced, because it was becoming torture for me and my sister to be in the same room/house/ place as them. Now, as I look back, I am angry only at my mother for not divorcing my father sooner, for taking about 10 more years than it should have taken, and for not being string enough to get us out of the situation. Sometimes, you have to do it to bring peace and equilibrium.
Sunday, September 23, 2007, 8:59 AM
Im going through a divorce as well and I have two children 8 and 4. The things that have helped me and my girls get through this nasty ordeal is to just be there for each other no matter what. I always let my oldest daughter just cry and scream and let it all out so she would feel better. Im not going to lie there were some tough spots that we went through(the blame game) but we have all gotten through it. In my opinion just being there and listening and being silly with the children is the best medicine. Let them be silly and laugh and mad and cry let them be a kid. My youngest daughter had no clue what was going on and she still really doesn't get it. It's just something that she has grown up with and it's a way of life(sad but true) Kids are strong and resilent they will get through this. As much as we think they won't and we are going to "damage" them; they make it through this as much as we do. There were times that I thought that my kids were stronger than me and there were times when my oldest daughter had to cheer me up and give me the push that I needed but we all made it. Trust me when I say it gets easier. I wish you all the luck in the world in getting through this very difficult time.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007, 9:51 AM
10:27...THANK YOU SO MUCH for letting me know about the Oprah show today. I watched it and cried along with the parents and kids that are going through or have been through this. It is never something I would have imagined I would go through or that my daughter would have to go through. I am going to look for Dr. Neuman's book and try to let me daughter know that I am here for her everyday. Its been tough for me and I am just beginning to realize that its very hard on her too.
Thanks everyone else for your advise and encouraging words. I do truely appreciate it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007, 7:49 PM
Dr. Phil's website also has a lot of helpful articles and exercises for dealing with divorce with or without children. I'm dealing with it right now too, but thankfully no kids are involved.
Thursday, September 27, 2007, 1:49 PM
Atticus Legal Group can help.
if your in Utah call Atticus Legal Group or see them at http://www.atticuslegalgroup.com
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