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Do you appreciate being told that you need to lose weight?
My friend thinks that he's doing another one of our friend's a favor by telling her the "truth" that she really needs to lose 20 pounds to look as good as she wants to look. She complains a lot about her life and he thinks he's right by saying something because no one else will and she needs to hear the truth. I know I can't stand when people point things out about me but I also know that when something is pointed out, if I feel the same way, I do start to make changes. I hope that her feelings weren't hurt, I don't know if they were or not. Now I feel a little awkward, like I want to say something.
Wed. Oct 10, 12:03am
even subtle hints are a pain. A friend recently gave me a book that she "found interesting"
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 12:09 AM
I think more often than not it doesn't go over well, but there are enough exceptions that this isn't a totally simple question. I've never received that kind of comment myself on the subject of weight, but on other topics, I've had situations where I was glad to get the straight scoop even though it plainly implied people finding fault with me, as well as the other kind where I felt unable to really deal with the remark even though it probably had some merit.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 12:55 AM
I think that is one of the most painful things a person can do to you.
Even if you have lesser amounts to lose than some. We as women are so critical of our bodies as it is, when anyone comments on a flaw it can be very uncomfortable. When a man comments on the need for weight loss it can totally ruin our self imagae.
I personally have fought for years to overcome what people have said to me. But the most painful were those spoken by men, well meaning men.
I don't know if I would bring it up to a friend if I knew someone were to say something to them about their weight. It is a very touchy subject.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 1:40 AM
No, he shouldn't say anything to her about her weight. Maybe she's too thick for HIS tastes but nearly every woman is attractive to some guy out there. If he's really her friend then he just needs to be a good listener for her. In return, he can gripe to her when he needs to also. Honestly, some men need to stop trying to tell others what to do and just learn to listen.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 12:15 PM
I think that most people already know that they weigh more than ideal (if they do).
OTOH, there are some areas in which I'd like better feedback. For instance, I give public lectures. I honestly sometimes have no idea whether it was working or not. And everyone always says, "Great talk!!" I have sat through some absolutely TERRIBLE lectures and seen other people go up to the lecturer and say "Great talk!!" I'm paranoid that I could be giving a terrible presentation and everyone's just trying to be nice to me. So I'm not entirely adverse to honesty!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 12:50 PM
12:50 - IMO, if people take the time to come up and tell you 'Great talk!' then I'm sure they enjoyed it. Others may think you were boring as hell, but we can't please everyone! ;) The best way to get feedback is to ask for it. Seek anonymous feedback after your next talk!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 1:26 PM
12:50, that's the key to everything. ASKING for feedback. If the friend didn't ask, then it shouldn't have been offered. Telling anyone that they should do something different to their bodies so they can look the best they can is not kind. It is hurtful. Unless they have asked specifically, "Do you think if I lost 20 lbs I'd look the best I can?"
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 1:51 PM
Ooops, I meant to address that to 1:26, who brought up the subject of asking for feedback.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 1:52 PM
OP - what do you feel like saying to your friend? Whether you agree with the guy or you just want your friend to know you don't agree with him, I don't think I'd bring it up unless she does. Complainers who don't do much to change their situation do get a little tiring, but unsolitcited advice is still unsolicited advice. I'm curious, though, does she complain about her weight?
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 2:14 PM
Yes, I do. Makes me do something about it but I also take offense and get upset all at the same time.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007, 3:04 PM
If you want to do this because it will help her, it won't. Its hurtful. I'm sorry but being told you are overweight doesn't even fit into the category "constructive critism" Please reconsider.
Thursday, October 11, 2007, 5:03 AM
in my teenager's words, OMG - what was he thinking?
Do people really believe that overweight people do not KNOW they need to lose weight? I come from a family where each person's weight is a constant subject of comment and I can tell you it does not help one bit. And, yes, it is hurtful, even if it is true and may spur one to action.
IMO, Exceptions may include: doctors, those asked for honest feedback (not just "does this make me look fat?"), and possibly if there is a serious health risk, but then it should be about the habits and not the weight.
Thursday, October 11, 2007, 8:56 AM
If an overweight friend ever ASKED me what I thought they were doing wrong (as I'm the nutrition/fitness buff of the group), I'd very gently try to point out little things, but more in a questioning way. "Do you drink a lot of soda?" stupid little things that add up that I sure as hell never thought of when I was heavy. I don't think that's out of line.
The subject of weight should never have a friend bullying another friend. However, it's different if there is an agreement. For instance, I had gotten down to my goal weight in May, then kind of went crazy over the summer and gained about seven pounds. Not a HUGE deal, but it is to me, because I worked SO hard to get to my goal. I told my husband that I want him to kind of second guess me if I'm about to eat or drink something not so good for me. He of course refuses, but I'm hoping one day he'll get on track with it.
Thursday, October 11, 2007, 12:26 PM
If your friend is always whining about things, and has said she wants to look a certain way, which the original post said, and he says "then lose the 20lbs" I don't see a problem with it. The overweight person sounds to me like the kind of person who will whine about things, but isn't after answers, just support. That kind of person pisses me off, and I think, many times, they need to be told that either do something, or shut up.
Thursday, October 11, 2007, 2:23 PM
12:26 My husband was the same way, and who can blame them, really?! He did agree with asking me "Is that a part of your plan?" or "Does that fit into your calories budget?" if he saw me doing something I had previously said I wanted to stop - like late night snacking or going back for seconds. Maybe he'll get on board with a kindler-gentler inquiry ;)
Thursday, October 11, 2007, 4:00 PM
My husband does a funny thing if I ask him if something looks good, and the answer is really "no." He'll say, "look in the mirror, and let me know what you think." Haha, that always means I've mismatched something with something else that definitely doesn't look good together! Maybe on the hanger, but no good in real life!
Thursday, October 11, 2007, 5:49 PM
Nope. I'm not an idiot, I know I'm fat...but thanks anyway.
Friday, October 12, 2007, 2:11 AM
Look I don't even get upset when folks do stuff like that, the truth never offends me. But appreciate it? Not really - it's usually not very helpful.
Friday, October 12, 2007, 9:46 AM
I don't think it's out of line for a friend to say that if the overweight person is constantly complaining about her weight.
I have a friend that is very overweight, says she is trying to change it but her actions prove otherwise. Then she constantly complains about how big she is and doesn't understand why she isn't losing weight!!! I am at my wits end and don't know how much longer I can "support" her by not telling her the truth: you are lazy, you overeat and are in denial!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry to rant but that's how I feel.
Where is the line between supporting someone (but not telling them the TRUTH) and just putting it all out there?? "Supporting" her as to not hurt her feelings isn't doing her ANY good!
Friday, October 12, 2007, 11:45 AM
I can see your point 11:45 but perhaps you can say it with tact and she will listen. tell her what she can do to lose weight. small steps she can do. have her join PT.... but an outburst like that (although I am sure you wouldn't say it o her like that) won't produce positive results. You can still be honest but back them with suggestions.
Friday, October 12, 2007, 1:29 PM
It's not always reliable, but haven't any of you had a negative comment like that be your turning point? For me, a criticism or perceived humilation can be a HUGE motivation to change. Let's just hope that's what has happened here. But OP, just in case it was painful without being motivating, I wouldn't bring the topic up with your friend a second time.
Friday, October 12, 2007, 4:57 PM
What do I do when it is a close friend, she is on Peertrainer, I have made every suggestion I can think of (in a very nice way), practically given her an eating plan and she hasn't taken anything I've said to heart? She has only gained weight? And continues to wonder why she isn't losing weight all along NOT doing the things she should be to lose weight?
I guess I shouldn't worry about it but it comes down to the fact that I care about her and her health! I know I can't make anyone do what they should... they have to want it for themselves I guess
Friday, October 12, 2007, 5:24 PM
My husband just informed me of that tonight and I do appreciate it. It gives me more motivation to try and look my best for him.
Saturday, October 13, 2007, 1:19 AM
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