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OT, Totally OT - I HATE MY HUSBAND

I really do. I hate everything about him. Why am I still married to him? Because we've only been married a year, together for nearly 5. I realized recently that I absolutely despise him.

He's a slob, self centered, a liar, arrogant, basically a piece of sh*t.

Where do I go now?


Thu. Oct 11, 7:15pm

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But do you really love him? If not, end things now before you get in too deep (i.e. kids, home, etc...) You say you've been together for 5 years. So obviously you didn't get married on a whim.

If you do love him, you must learn to work on your marriage! Too many people divorce too quickly/easily!

Having said that, you don't want to live in misery either!

It's your call, we cannot make that decision for you.

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 7:38 PM

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I hate my husband too. He is very lazy and will push me to my limit before helping with the household/our children. And in some areas, doesn't even help at all. I don't divorce him b/c I can't survive on my salary alone. Plus, my children adore him so I "do it for them". If you don't have kids, the time to flee is now.

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 7:46 PM

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Some comments for both women who hate their husbands:

1. Is there a way to work it out so that you will both be happy? Counseling might help you figure this out. If there is a way, you should give it a shot.

2. If there isn't a way, get out of the relationship. You are miserable and life shouldn't be like that. You might plan it out first (especially for the 7:46 poster who has kids) ... plan out your financial and career options, how to deal with the kids, etc ... before making a move.

3. Don't stay with someone for purely financial reasons. You might not think you can survive on your salary alone, but often you can ... if you're willing to scale down and cut back. Simplifying your life and your finances can be very liberating. And if you really can't survive on your salary alone, consider a new job. It's possible, but you have to be willing to take action and take chances.

4. Don't stay with someone just for the kids. I did that. It doesn't work. You will be hugely unhappy, and the kids will sense it, even if you fake it. And they'll be unhappy. That's not good for anyone.

All that said, I think the 7:46 poster might be able to work it out with her husband ... if the only problem is laziness. Counseling could work if he's willing to give it a try. But you need to talk to him.

To the OP, it sounds like you want out. If you don't think it can work, so that you're both happy, get out ... there's nothing that says you can't get a divorce after 1 yr of marriage. Don't worry about what others will think ... worry about your happiness.

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 9:32 PM

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OP, where do you go now? Marriage counseling.

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 9:43 PM

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I have learned that you both don't need to go to counseling to make a difference. Even if one person goes (in these cases, the wives) it can make a BIG difference. Whether it helps you decide what to do, learn your role in the negative dynamic, figure out who you are, or figure out how to take care of yourself - go. In fact, I actually recommend going by yourself first.

Everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves better.

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 9:45 PM

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The OP sounds like she knows exactly what she wants - a decent divorce lawyer. There's a lot of guilt involved in bailing so soon...but that goes away, but the regret for wasting too much time (say another year or two) will nip at your heels for an awfully long time. JUMP. And make sure you get half of everything for your pain and suffering.

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 10:40 PM

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Wait, I'm confused. You were together for 5 years and then got married and have been married about a year? Are you saying that a year ago you had absolutely no inkling that this wasn't the right man for you? I find that hard to believe. What, was he perfect for the 5 years of your relationship but once you got married he turned into a piece of shit?

Hey, do whatever you need to do-whatever is best for you but for the next persons sake, I hope you REALLY REALLY want to marry someone for LOVE if you decide to get married again!

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 11:12 PM

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no kids? leave!
kids? work it out. Marriage always has its ups & downs. Sometimes you love them...sometimes you hate them. Women are so much more emotional than men. I love my husband but if i didnt have kids...I would have left him already. Its so hard to compromise & put up with things that you dont like.

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 11:53 PM

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GO TO A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

Try to find a marriage counselor. You go first then have your husband go. Then when the time is right, you both should go.

Thursday, October 11, 2007, 11:53 PM

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The first year of marriage is really hard. My husband and I have been together for 8 years but only married for 1 and this last year has been the hardest we've ever gone through. There were times we wanted to call it quits because we just felt like it was endless fighting but we do love eachother and will make it work.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 2:03 AM

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Marriage counsellors are good at showing you how to suck it up. Don't want to suck it up? Save your money for the big D.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 9:05 AM

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To The OP

I am currently reading a book called Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. It was recommended by Oprah who said that if she had not read that book, she would have never stayed with Stedmund for as long as she has.

It gives great insight into why you choose your mate and the expectations we have when we get married. Check out reviews from amazon and then go check it out from the library like I did.

Don't be so quick to run to a divorce lawyer without even trying.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 9:14 AM

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sounds like he won't change - In my case, my husband bothered me so much, said he would change and never did. I left and married another man and I have never regretted my decision. However, if we had children, I would have stayed. If you are so miserable, he may be as well. Do it before the children come. Its not a cop out - just realistic - if you hate him now - it will get worse every year.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 10:25 AM

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even if you love someone, if that person is, as the OP puts it, "...a slob, self centered, a liar, arrogant, basically a piece of sh*t," there's no reason to stay with that person. so you love him? great, isn't love wonderful? that doesn't mean you have to endure suffering through a painfully unsatisfying marriage. love him from afar. love him, don't enable him. love yourself first, or you're just denying you're worth real love. you don't need to be married just because you might be in love with someone. being happy and respected and feeling both of those emotions is more important than having a title of 'husband' or 'wife'. if you can get it all, of course that's ideal! but if you can't, make sure you can trust yourself to take care of your self and your needs--emotionally, psycholgically, physically and financially. as for not being able to 'afford' leaving a horrible marriage, there are so many more options for assistance available to those who are trying to better their situations than there are for those who suck it up in the name of 'stability'. you can find help if you look for it. i speak from experience.


Friday, October 12, 2007, 10:41 AM

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I am of the belief that if someone truly despises their spouse that is a good time to end the marriage. Once you get to that point there is nothing that can be done to feel differently. All that happens is resentment and bitterness. So get out of the marriage so you don't end up hating men or worse being a nasty, bitter woman. I find it hard to believe that in a years time that you feel this way. I think you felt this way before you got married but I'm willing to guess your self esteem and confidence in your self are low and so you didn't think you could do any better, so you married him. Why not you've been together that long, maybe thats all you get. So many women do that, settle, because they think they can't do any better. Isn't being alone better then being with someone you don't like. And how is that fair to the man? Why do so many women define themselves by whether or not they are in a relationship? IT IS ALRIGHT TO BE ON YOUR OWN AND BY YOURSELF. Sometimes being alone is the only way one can grow and really discover who they are and what they want.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 11:20 AM

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Wait a minute. We are only hearing one side of the story and we are ready to tell her to break a promise that she made before friends, family and GOD. This is what's wrong with America and the reason for the high divorce rate.

Marriage is hard work, it is NOT happily ever after. And you can't sit there and expect problems Get some help and see if you can sort out your problems.

And no, seeking input from strangers on PT does not qualify as "getting help"

Friday, October 12, 2007, 12:31 PM

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Once you get to the point where you really despise the person (can't stand him touching you, want to yell or leave every second, get a knot in your stomach as you drive home) it's time to leave. Counseling is always a good option, but if you're past that point of returning to a relationship you love, why waste your time? You DESERVE to be happy.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 12:41 PM

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I've heard a lot of people say 'work it out' if you have kids. That's absurd. You're kids will feel the stress and tension and anger. Kids are always better off with parents who are happy, even if it's tough at first. (My kids are much better off now).

Friday, October 12, 2007, 12:44 PM

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AGREED! The OP needs to teach her daughter (if she has one) not to settle for a man like that and teach her son (if she has one) not to treat women like that.

I am in an abusive (not physical) marriage. I am staying for financial reasons because of my children. I want to ensure when i leave, I have the funds to pay for an attorney, get a house, and make sure their future is going to be ok. I can wait for happiness a little longer if it means protecting my children.

OP, marriage counceling at this point won't work, believe me! been there, done that. Especially since neither of you wants to change. WHen you get to a point where you hate someone, it's never the same.

good luck to you. you're in my thoughts.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 12:52 PM

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12:31--she may have made a promise to her husband, her family, and GOD, but let them live with him if it's that bad! When GOD comes down from heavan and walks in her shoes, then you can make that argument.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 12:53 PM

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Sounds strangely familiar!!!

I was in your exact position! I was with my soon to be ex husband officially for 5+ years, then we got married. I had doubts before the wedding b/c he really didn't treat me that good at all, but I wasn't sure if it was pre-wedding jitters or doubts. We had just bought a huge new house together and thought I owed to him to give a try. We got married and the jerk did not pay for S...! He had a huge family and had to dish out all the money, he didn't pay for anything on the honeymoon either for 2 weeks!!! I even had my 30th bday during our honeymoon and nothing, not even a flower. We were in Hawaii for crying out loud, you can't pick a flower??

Anyway, needless to say things got so much worse after the wedding. I had some medical problems and he made me feel like such a burden and P.O.S!! The day of my procedure, he wouldn't take off work to go with, wouldn't rub my back after b/c he wanted to put of the xmas lights, and proceded to yell at me when he couldn't get the lights up. Called me an F'ing Fat Ass even!! I weigh 135. I realized I HATED him too!! I left him eight months later as it never got better. Even after I left, he said I was leaving b/c I wanted to party with my friends and that I should just "get over it" and come back home! Leaving and divorcing has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever done. But worth every minute not to have to deal with the pain of staying!!

I know people divorce to easy these days but isn't that b/c we have more options! When marriage was established people didn't live well into their 90's. Life is darn short to waste it being unhappy with someone you can't stand and who does not value you. You should read a book called Lied at the Alter by Robin Miller. Eye opener. Good luck to you. It won't be easy, but you will be happier in the end.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 1:02 PM

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funny how reading this thread you hear so many more - "i left and now I'm happy" as opposed to "we worked it and and now we're happy".

I'm one of the "left and now I'm happy"

Friday, October 12, 2007, 1:36 PM

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Who are any of you to judge the situation when neither of you have met these people and we are only hearing one side. He's a slob (maybe she's OCD), self-centered (maybe she is too needy), arrogant (he has more self-confidence than I do), liar (he said I didn't look fat in those jeans).

Gimme a break. they were together 5 years and only after 1 year she wants to call it quits. Sounds to me like she is panicking or maybe she thought she could change him after they got married. I'm sure a lot of you women had these same delusions.

"Getting The Love You Want" - READ IT ! ALL OF YOU!!

Friday, October 12, 2007, 2:05 PM

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I strongly disagree with you 2:05. I don't understand why are you so bitter and angry? Are you saying that because your life is miserable ours should be too?

When you hate someone you better get out. When I realized I hated my ex boyfriend I left. Then I met my husband. Have I never left the a***** I would've never meet the incredible person my husband is. Yes I get mad at him and he gets mad at me and we argue, but it is NOTHING like it was with the ex. You can't work at every relationship. You can only work if the love is there.


Friday, October 12, 2007, 2:21 PM

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'his side' has nothing to do with the OP explaining her feelings. she feels what she feels, no matter how others might perceive the situation. maybe that's the point. that although she does not love the man anymore doesn't mean he's unlovable or that she is unable to love anyone else. it simply means that she should move on and maybe preserve any friendship that still exists within the relationship.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 2:25 PM

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The lonliest feeling in the world is being in a relationship where there is no love, companionship or intimacy. We humans were not made to endure lonliness well. Best wishes to you OP - you are in my thoughts whatever you decide.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 2:40 PM

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Do you hate him or do you hate yourself? People tend to project their own feelings onto those around them. It could just be post wedding let down? Or could you be clinically depressed?

Also, a quote from Dr. Laura "When you marry, choose carefully and then treat kindly"!

Is he reacting to the way you are treating him? Usually when you are hated you know it. Only you know the answers to these questions.

In case no one ever told you, marriage is hard work and there will be times that you hate each other and times that no one else exists because you are so in love. Seriously (don't laugh) get a good dog training book - it really works wonders.

BEST of luck to you.
peace-

Friday, October 12, 2007, 3:40 PM

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i've fallen out of love and fallen 'in hate' before. there's no telling why it happened or any definable reason. like when i have fallen 'in love'. it happened. i noticed. i acted upon my instincts/feelings/impulses/desires...whatever you want to call it. go with your heart. it's nice you recognized your feelings. it's just as 'natural' to develop feelings of hatred/intolerance as it is to develop the oppostie feelings.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 3:46 PM

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I'm not talking about his side and her feelings , I'm talking about his side and the advice of most of the people on here. It is so obvious that she just had a fight with him and ran to PT to vent. Just like a child would after her parents wouldn't let them have their way. I can just picture her pouting her lips, slamming the door and folding her arms across her chest while throwing herself on the bed.

Before you give any advice, remember that there are two sides to every story. Don't be so quick to feel so sorry for her based on your bitter, painful experience.

By the way, I'm very happy thank you. Bitter people (like most on this thread)don't tell you to work on a bad situation, they tell you to cut and run (with them) because misery loves company.

The post from 3:40 is one of the few that makes sense. ALL relationships are hard work.


Friday, October 12, 2007, 4:09 PM

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yikes. there are a lot of assumptions made in the 409 comment!! i think the op probably has the best insight into her own feelings and i think she should separate herself from the marriage for a while. then she can re-evaluate her priorities and get them in order and see where she's headed. that will help her decide what to do with regards to her husband. when you can strongly identify your feelings towards another perosn as 'hate', it's not in anyone's best interest to continue with the relationship.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 4:26 PM

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judge not

why are we all so quick to judge one another and so sure our opinions are the right ones?? of course, we all have different beliefs and experiences and can't know what the OP's situation really is.

re: 1:36 pm - I am one of the ones that stayed, worked it out, and am happy. BUT...I DO have kids, my husband is a nice guy (he tries, just can be indifferent and annoying)...also, I was going through a not-sure-what-I-wanted phase. But, I went to counseling myself and we did joint/marital counseling for a while. I will say that the individual helped me more than the joint, but it did point out areas where we could work on things

also, I was angry at the world, not just my husband. Counseling and anti-depressants helped ALOT. I did not react as quickly and wasn't so filled with anger all the time at him. It helped him be not so withdrawn and defensive...

Friday, October 12, 2007, 4:33 PM

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Did you ever love him?

You were with him for 4 years before you got married. Wasn't there some love there? Love can fade but it can come back too. If there was ever love, maybe it's worth it to try. But don't just accept things as they are - do something. Counseling for you, for him, for both of you?

That said, I do not believe in staying in an unhappy relationhip. Better to move on and have the chance of finding happiness in the future, even if it means a lot of heartache now.

Remember that you deserve happiness. But you can't wait for it to come to you. You need to go find it.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 4:39 PM

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Gottman

one more thing -
one book that may be helpful in helping you decide whether you want/need to stay or go is John Gottman's "Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage"

Here's a link to his website -

https://gottmancatalog.orderport.net/1450/productpage.asp?id=1065

but I got mine at the library. It had really helpful observations. One part I remember well is the part about the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" - they were all Cs - contempt, criticism, (I don't remember the others), but reading it made me realize my marriage was in real trouble and I needed to get some help.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 4:40 PM

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Good luck to you, whether this is a real serious life crisis or just a temporary I hate everything about him day.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 4:41 PM

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something to consider....

Oct. 8, 2007 -- Marriages and close friendships marked by negativity -- such as conflict and adverse exchanges -- boost the risk of heart disease, according to a new study.

"Those in a negative relationship were 34% more likely to have a coronary event in the 12 years of follow-up," says Roberto De Vogli, PhD, MPH, a researcher for the study, published in the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Even after taking into account other factors that could contribute to heart disease, such as depression, men and women with negative aspects in relationships still had a 25% increase in heart disease risk over the follow-up period, says De Vogli, an epidemiologist at University College London. "We found the effect is there not only for married people," he says, but also for unmarried people who have negative relationships with close friends.
Putting It in Perspective

In past research, De Vogli tells WebMD, many researchers have found that social relationships, including marriage, are associated with better health and less cardiovascular disease. "The more friends, the better" has been the assumption.

Yet there were contradictory findings, he says, on the health benefits of social support and the limited protective effects of being married on heart disease risk among women.

"We expanded the debate [to be] about the quality of social relationships rather than the quantity," he says.


Link

Friday, October 12, 2007, 5:39 PM

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I completely understand the first poster. My husband and I have been married for 11 months. I married him because i was really dumb and thought no one else would ever be with me. Never dated in H/S or college. He is emotionaly abusive, tells me that I am fat, never helps with work, won't go full time at work, makes me work overtime ALL the time, and excepts me to always cook and clean while he watches tv, plays video games, etc. But, I want to make it work. So, I'm trying to be positive and pray that things workout. Maybe after I drop the 30 pounds, he'll be more supportive. :(

Friday, October 12, 2007, 5:56 PM

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Oof - 5:56p. He's abusive and will still be even if you lose 50 pounds. Don't pray - leave.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 7:03 PM

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5:56, I agree with 5:56. He's a user and you're being used. You deserve better.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 8:09 PM

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get out

5:56 - Rediscover your worth and get out.

FYI - I am 38 and have been married 3 1/2 years to a wonderful man. He fell in love with me when I weighed 252 and is loving me thru my weight loss (down to 199 - and that's after 2 kids).

He and I have excellent communication and are careful to hate our problems and not each other. When we argue, we try to focus on solutions to our issues and not how each of us reacts to the problem.

You need someone who likes you, loves you, and wants you. Trying to be good enough is never good enough. You are already good enough (assuming you are normal and not a looney :)

Can he change? If you don't think so, its okay to be alone until Mr. Right comes along.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 8:59 PM

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Life is way too short to be with someone you dislike.
I have been married twice, the first time I realized Life is too short to be miserable. Now I have been married for 7 years to the most amazing man, who adores me, who would walk thru fire for me. For every day of the last 7 years I have thanked God for him and that I got so lucky.
So my point is why take this very short life and be miserable? You should only be with someone who makes your feel amazing, that your heart leaps when he comes into the room or when you hear his voice on the phone - mine still does after 7 years, you should settle for no less than that.
Every day is going to have it's ups and downs, but if they all feel like downs then something is wrong.
Best wishes, Live strong and happy.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 9:46 PM

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5:56 you've been married for 11 months and already being mentally and emotionally abused. You need to stop thinking of pleasing him and consider your self worth. You can do better then that. No one deserves to be mentally abused and it doesn't stop there in another 2-3 years it could be physical abuse. Stand up for yourself, have some self confidence and love yourself for who you are and get out of this marriage while you still can.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 10:33 PM

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Do You Need To Lose Weight?

I thought this was a support site for weight loss! A marriage counselor would help you with your "HATE" for your husband. Is your husband calling you names? You have not provided enough information, is your hatred toward your husband, related to your weight?

Friday, October 12, 2007, 11:48 PM

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5:56 pm-"I married him because i was really dumb and thought no one else would ever be with me." Geez!! So after 11 months you are ready to call it quits when you were ready to spend your life with this guy (by marrying him)??? I don't understand people today. What made you say "yes" to forever but no to beyond 11 months? Why waste everyone's time, money and feelings?

I think people get married for the wrong reasons today and I think a few people on this thread can be included in that!



Saturday, October 13, 2007, 12:23 AM

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Didn't your Mom ever tell you...

"if you don't have something nice to say..."
"say nothing at all."

Re: the previous 2 posts and all the flame-throwers - I would say the unwritten rule on this site is
"if you don't have something supportive to say, just stay out of it."

btw- I am not the original OP or 5:56, BUT others are sharing experiences and offering various opinions that are meant to be helpful. Coming here and just being more abusive to women who are obviously struggling and hurting and offering all your negativity is not helpful to anyone.

btw2 - the OP did put OT in the post - so it was obviously off-topic. If you couldn't be constructive, why jump in??

Saturday, October 13, 2007, 12:44 AM

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No Harm Intended

I did not realize OT meant OFF TOPIC. I just joined and I thought this was a supportive site for people who were attempting to be successful at weight loss and fitness. I did not understand why the original writer hated their spouse, and wondered, was the hatred related to weight loss.

Saturday, October 13, 2007, 12:52 AM

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12:23 am- I am the 5:56 poster and I think you need to reread my post. I didn't say I was going to divorce my husband. I said I wanted to make it work. Do not tell me that I am wasting everyones time. I love him and I want things to work out. I'm am not calling it quits after 11 months, I was simply reaching out to the first poster to let her know that I understand, not to receive your rudeness in assuming that I am among the many people who thing divorce is a way out.

Saturday, October 13, 2007, 1:18 AM

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WHERE IS THE OP?!

I find interesting that the OP has not said a word since her tantrum. I'm sure this post was made in the heat of the moment OR it could be a complete ..........fabrication.

LOL LOL LOL LOL

Saturday, October 13, 2007, 6:45 AM

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What recently happened to make you post this?

OP--I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and married for 3 years. One day, I just woke up and realized he was not the man for me. I walked away with a clean break and don't regret it one bit. We had no children and no huge assets.

I've never regretted walking away from any situation that made me miserable for a prolonged period of time. History is usually an indication of the future.

Either get out now; literally pack and go someplace else to live or call a counsellor. Your post makes me think you are more angry than is healthy. There is value in going to counselling without him, if he refuses. Counselling is a GREAT thing.

At the very least, can you take some time away from him. A weekend even?


Saturday, October 13, 2007, 2:35 PM

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For what its worth.....

I left my husband after a year and a half of marriage.

Never been happier! I've found new love, live life the way I love to live...

For me, opening up to my mom was the best thing to do. Before that, I felt that my family would be dissappointed, but they were supportive. Not thrilled, but supportive.

Good Luck!

Saturday, October 13, 2007, 3:44 PM

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12:44 poster

I think it's interesting that you know your kids are better off. They may seem happier now, but you may not have seen the end of the aftermath of divorce. For so many kids (and adults) their parents' divorce does not (seeminly) affect them until many years later. When my parents divorced (I was 14) I could not have been happier (beause all the fighting was over). But now as an adult I am so bothered by my parents divorce because they didn't love me enough to stick it out for my sake and be who the other one needed them to be. When you love being who YOU want to be more than being who your kids need you to be (and who your spouse needs you to be) you are acting very selfishly. Here's a wise saying that someone once shared with me: if you think you're not selfish, get married. If you're still not convinced, have a couple of kids. Those kids didn't ask to be brought into the world - parents owe thier kids a happy marriage as much as it depends on them (you). I hope you're right, but the statistics would beg to differ with you. Kids are resilient, but their not made of stone.

Saturday, October 13, 2007, 5:32 PM

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^^^ I so agree with that. Too many people refuse to be happy unless they get exactly their way, refuse to see any other way, or assume any responsibility in the matter and bail becaues it "makes them happier." Far as I'm concerned, the commitment of "for better or worse" means sometimes you won't be happy. Deal with it.

Saturday, October 13, 2007, 11:32 PM

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i dont hate my husband, but i am finding i am not atrracted to him physically anymore. he is just so lazy I cant even get him to go on evening walks with me and the baby. I feel like i really cant say anythinhg though i myself am obese, i have another 95 pounds to go, but at least i am doing something about it, have lost 20 pounds already, i just wish he would show some effort than maybe i would find him attractive again.

Thursday, October 18, 2007, 12:39 PM

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I can completely understand the OP.... ALONG with alot of the women on here.. and to the men ( which I am sure are some of the ones who are so hateful to the women here) I have been there and stuck it out .. went to marriage conselling with him ( but he stills says he didn't have a problem).. Yet if you ask him about the night he pinned me against a wall by my throat.. he can't remember that either.. I can say I've stuck it out and ladies it so isn't worth staying .. it hasn't gotten any better .. he's still an asshole and I hate him for it!.. So there to the poster who said people are too quick to jump towards a divorce I can assure alot of women tread carefully on thin ice! I've been married to the asshole for 13 yrs and with him 17 .. things didn't really start to get bad until 10 yrs .. the first one was a peice of cake!

Thursday, October 25, 2007, 12:01 PM

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12:01 - It's one thing to walk out on a marriage because of physical abuse, another thing because you don't like your husband anymore.

Few people wake up one morning and say "I hate my husband." Usually, it's a build up. And usually, it's never been talked about in a civil, non-confrontational manner. It's been a problem for one person for years without telling the other, so when the other finds out, they can only assume if it was such a big deal it would have been addressed sooner.

Thursday, October 25, 2007, 12:50 PM

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The OP never said her husband beat her. She never said what he did. She was angry. And why has she not posted since?

Thursday, October 25, 2007, 2:19 PM

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12:50, , totally agree, the 12:01 poster cannot compare the two situations, NO ONE would ever suggest a woman stay in a relationship where the husband was physically abusive. 12:01 poster, why do you even post and make such gross comparasions?

Thursday, October 25, 2007, 4:03 PM

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Geez

Way to rip her head off. My take on the 12:01 poster is that alot of the comments on here are telling the OP to tough it out because " the first year is always hard". I do not think she is comparing and to poster 4:03>>> I don't think it was " such a gross comparison" simply her experience.Maybe it was her way of reaching out 4:03 you did a great job showing her support. Your an inconsiderate soul.
To 12:01 and 5:56
First Know you are not alone!!!!!!
1. Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
2. Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
3. Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
4. Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.
5. Find people to talk to that can support you.
6. Keep looking for Someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
7. Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
8. Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.


Friday, October 26, 2007, 1:24 PM

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OP here!

Sorry, I've been busy and haven't been able to log on to PT.

I still hate my husband. I can't pin point what it is about him, but the minute he gets home, I find myself bickering with him, critizing him, and complaining. Every thing he does bothers me and I'm sick and tired of his worst habits.

And to clear the air, he is not abusive. If he laid a hand on me, I would pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him and I wouldn't wait for him to be asleep.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 6:03 PM

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1:24

Don't ya just hate it when you slam someone and they turned out to be right afterall?

Friday, October 26, 2007, 6:11 PM

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6:11

1:24 here
I meant your comment to the woman who is being physically abused.. Don't be a B*tch .. grow up! .. At least I was showing her support!

Friday, October 26, 2007, 8:52 PM

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OT, Totally OT - I HATE MY HUSBAND

Don't stay because of the children.
I did that.
Now that my kids are 21 and 27, they aren't happy that I put the 3 of us through it all by not leaving.




Monday, November 05, 2007, 9:39 PM

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To the OP: You should just figure this out and stop complaining. I don't mean to sound harsh.....of course this is a forum to discuss issues, but this is a serious issue and it involves both of you. You need to figure it out, and take responsibility of yourself

Monday, November 05, 2007, 10:53 PM

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Why did you marry him? I think you married him just to marry him in my own opinion. Had a friend that did that and they had a HUGE wedding and they're getting divorced after a year also. Doesn't even look like you put forth any effort to sort things out!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007, 11:44 AM

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marriage

you

Saturday, February 21, 2009, 3:58 PM

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marriage

Marriage can break,it also can last,depends on the two sides,if kids are involved then doest'nt mean you have to live for they sake,if you are ot happy no law can bide you together.i mean whats thew point waking up each deay and looking at the same old b*****d day-to-day,its not force living is it.life s a COMPROMISE if you can't do with it change the road,or you will see delays and further distruption.it's life you only live once.

Saturday, February 21, 2009, 4:04 PM

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how many cocktails have you had, pp?! ;)



Saturday, February 21, 2009, 4:35 PM

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So much has been said I'm not sure another post is really needed. Just want you to know I support you and the tough decision you have to make. I have been married for 20 years. I married a man I barely new but stuck with it through it all. More for my own pride than anything else. My own mother has been married 5 times. As a child of divorce I can tell you it sucks. My own children would tell you growing up in a home were their parents don't get along sucks. Either way the children get screwed. You are in a situation were you don't have to worry about the kids yet. Dr. Phil always says the best judge of future behavior is past behavior. Don't look at your husband and think he will change over time. This is who he is, do you want to spend your life with him just as he is? If so, get yourself therapy to learn to deal with your feelings about him. If not, get an attorney. Either way, keep yourself healthy. Don't turn to food for comfort. Don't stop exercising and taking care of yourself. I really hope it all works out for you!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2009, 12:20 AM

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First of all, when people ask "didn't you know what he was like before you married him?" The answer is NO. Things change when you get married. People put on shows when they are dating and not living together. It's easy to do. So anyone who can say that is naive, doesn't know what they are talking about and should just shut their mouths. Men especially, may feel trapped all of a sudden. My husband is not verbally abusive when we fight because he can't just leave and go home like he used to when we were single. People do change after marriage. Usually the ones that were clueless to begin with. I think women are more in touch with reality when it comes to this. We have been awaiting this day. We know it will take work and are excited to go the extra mile to make our husbands happy. They think they can just glide along as if they were still living with their roommate in a small apartment. No responsibilities.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010, 7:27 PM

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OT, Totally OT - I HATE MY HUSBAND

If you hate your husband please don't make babies with him.

Thursday, October 21, 2010, 12:18 AM

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Well - since this thread is 3+ years old, it would be interesting to see how the OP resolved it. Not sure if they're still around....

Thursday, October 21, 2010, 10:20 AM

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Mairrage is hard! Living with another person is hard. Most people divorce and marry another similar to the first. Many times its not the other person who is the problem...its unreasonable expectations and unwillingness to do real work. The only women that I have met that have said that they have wonderful husbands and great mairrages usually fall apart shortly afterwards. The honest women that I know acknowledge that men are self-centered and have big egos and don't like to help with housework. It annoys all women. They are genetically different from women. In order to make our mairrages work, we need to accept that our husbands are not easy. Now abbuse is different...so is infidelity or any other "chronic" problem....but OP did not list any of those.

Friday, October 22, 2010, 2:25 PM

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I divorced my best friend after almost 10 years of marriage...I went to counseling and asked him to go...he went twice and didn't go again because he didn't think were any problems. He was a wonderful man but he had a binge drinking problem on his days off from work...wouldn't drink at all when working. I couldn't live with someone who couldn't understand the horrendous consequences that could possibly come from that...drinking and driving...no good. But like I said it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. We went through a mediator and saved a lot of money that way since we didn't have kids.

Sunday, October 24, 2010, 9:34 PM

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