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Marriage Torn

Let me preference this post and say that I have talked to my wife about everything in this post, so she is aware of what exactly my feelings are at this point. Up until a week ago she had no idea I was this unhappy or dissatisfied with our marriage so this has blindsided her to say the least. She does know exactly how I feel at this point, which is still obviously way too late to be hearing these things….

In the last week I have just recently confessed to my wife that I very recently slept with a woman while I was away on a business trip. This is the first time that this has occurred during my marriage. I have been unhappy with my marriage for quite sometime now (2 – 3 years). My wife has gained 100+ pounds since we started dating seriously over 7 years ago and is obviously no where near the person physically that I fell in love with. We do NOT have any kids and there are no medical reasons for her gradual increase of weight over the past 5 years that I’m aware of. This has drastically effected how much we hold and passionately kiss each other…how much we have sex (Maybe once every 2 months)….everything. She also has started smoking on a regular basis over the last couple of years, which I hate. We have always had our differences but it seems those differences have increased. She recognizes that she can be a moody person and very negative at times and keeps saying she will work on these things, but nothing has changed.
I’m not going to say that I’m perfect by any means either. I am a very independent guy in a sense that I can easily find and migrate to the things that make me happy…especially if there is something in my life that makes me unhappy. I tend to forget and overlook those problems as long as I'm able to keep myself happy the majority of the time. Over the past 2 - 3 years I have spent a ton of time golfing, leaving for the weekends to do guy things, watching games at the bar, playing with the dog, etc. than being with her. I do really like golf and all that stuff, but I feel if I was truly still in love with her still that I would want to be around her more than I am.
It is my fault for not talking to her before I started to fall out of love with her. It is my fault for not letting her know my true feelings and desires. It is my fault for letting things fester up inside of me. It is easy to blame her for letting herself go physically over the last 5 years or for her smoking over the last 1 - 2 years or for our many overall differences. Those in themselves are tough conversations to have but nothing compared to what we are currently going through or the conversations yet to come. I obviously don't communicate very well with the people I love over the things that really matter in life and to me...and that has possibly cost me a marriage.

I know it has only been a week but I’m not sure if I want/can save this marriage. She obviously is very disappointed and extremely sad, but she still wants to work on the marriage and see if we can make it work. She wants the opportunity to change.

My problem is that I’m not sure if I want to work on it. I do still like her as a friend for sure and I would always consider her one of my good friends…I still find her intellectually stimulating…and I think we do share some emotional bonds here and there. But am I ever going to get back to the way that I felt about her when we were first married? I don’t want to drag this out for her, but then again I don’t want to rush and make a stupid decision either. I know marriage counseling is an option, and maybe I should go with her even though I’m not a big fan of bringing all of this up again (in person) to a complete stranger….

I’m essentially lost…and any advice would be appreciated.

Thu. Oct 18, 8:13pm

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Very sad to read this. There is generally a reason behind why someone lets themselves go over the years and this I would suggest is the root of the issue. It is easy to slip into habits of eating too much and not exercising enough, but the snowball effect is that the more it occurs - the harder it becomes to gewt it back on track.
I suggest that you need to take her away somewhere and have a good heart to heart - find out what is the root problem she has and look at ways in solving it together.
Once you have a direction you can either decided that it is together or apart that you will get to your goal.
Good luck!!

Thursday, October 18, 2007, 9:57 PM

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I agree with the above poster.. you and her need to sit down and talk.. you also need to do some soul searching and think about things.. like just because she has let herself go.. is that the only reason that led to things falling apart to the point that you had an affair or is there more underneath the surface..

you said she would always be a good friend.. do you think if you went to counseling you could rekindle what you had when you fell in love/ these are just some things I would be asking myself..

finding a special somoene to share our lives with isnt easy and you two found each other so I would say there has to be a deep connection still.. so now you have to search your heart and soul and decide if the connection is enough to rebuild.what made you fall in love with her.. what was so special about her. why was she the ONE..

talk to her.. see why she let herself go to the point that it would interfere with the intamacy of your marriage and if shes willing to work out the problems and try to compromise to find a middle ground to rebuild your marriage.. if thats what you both want.

from the sounds of your post your not to sure what you want so dont make any sudden knee jerk movements without thinking first.

there may still be a chance to find the woman that you fell in love with and fall in love all over again.. or it may be best to part as good friends, but either case I would need to know if there was any hope before I would walk away

take a weekend away.. think about things.. than when you BOTH calm down emotionally talk things through and see how you feel and wether you continue on and seek help to rebuild things or you go your seperate paths.

I wish you luck.. you will be in my thoughts both of you.

Friday, October 19, 2007, 4:21 AM

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i'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. would you consider going to a marriage counselor to talk about how you are both feeling? this doesn't mean that a decision has been made one way or another, but i feel that it's useful to have an objective (and trained) 3rd party who can mediate and facilitate really difficult discussions that would otherwise be hard to have otherwise.

best of luck.

Friday, October 19, 2007, 7:24 AM

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first of all, thank you for your honesty. Give yourself some credit here. You were honest, owned what you needed to own, but you shouldn't take responsibility for her letting herself go. No one controls what we eat or how often we exercise, she has to take ownership of that.

If she is a negative person, then i see why you're not spending time at home. If it's always a downer, why be there? Besides, each of you needs time away from each other. I don't see my husband from Sept through Dec 31st because of hunting, he enjoys it. Who am i to stop him from doing it?

I believe if couples were more open minded about their sex life and allow multiple partners, couples would be happier.

I feel your pain, i am a female and am in the same boat. My husband is abusive, is never home, doesn't do anything around the house, and will not open up to sex any way that isn't for his pleasure. that leaves me wanting to stray, I think that's not fair to me, the way it isn't fair to you.

Marriage counceling only works if both people are whole heartedly into it.

You are not shallow for leaving because of her weight, looks aren't as important as attraction and lust. If you don't have those things for her now, you probably will not get them back. This is coming from my own experience, not as a general statement.

good luck to you, you should like a good man.

Friday, October 19, 2007, 8:41 AM

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I sense a lot of distance in your relationship - and you admit to much time away. This in and of itself can make a woman feel rejected. Feeling rejected is a huge factor in a woman "letting herself go". Not blaming you, just acknowleding that women, when they feel rejected, will turn to something that makes them feel alive. Food is a "safe" alternative, especially if she is a moral woman who wouldn't consider finding her "worth" in the arms of another man. You can totally turn this thing around, in my humble opinion. If you can find a way to make her feel special, adored, loved, and cherished, I'm betting she'll be everything you've ever wanted her to be. You have more power than you think. A woman whose husband treats her like she is the world to him will (in the vast majority of cases) will rise to the occasion and become that woman - we're pushovers for a man who truly loves us.

Friday, October 19, 2007, 8:59 AM

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Wow~First let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this. Im recently divorced(for reasons I will spare you) and I have to tell you that it was a very difficult time for me.

When things started going bad for my marriage,we both knew it was coming. We sat down and talked about what we thought we should do and we both came up with marriage counseling. I have to say that by the time we got to the first session we both knew that it wasn't going to work.

Don't beat yourself up over not loving your wife. It's obvious that you have/had a connection with her otherwise you wouldn't have married her. In all honesty I still love my exhusband in a strange sort of way but sometimes you're better off being apart; and that is what has worked for us. There were a couple of times that we did get back together but we knew that it wasn't going to work.

Take the time to realize what it is that you want and don't do anything that you might later regret. This won't be the end of the world for you maybe just a new beginning.

Good luck with everything and what ever happens I hope you find happiness.(trust me it does get better)

Friday, October 19, 2007, 9:09 AM

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8:41 poster here.

8:59, you are right about that. My mother taught me that when a man gets what he wants from his wife, he will treat her like royalty. This is true in most cases (not my particular one). But i still question his being gone all the time because of her negativity. now, he's had an affair. How does that change things for her?

Friday, October 19, 2007, 9:10 AM

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I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. I applaud you for telling her the truth about your affair, and I see it as your way of saying to her "hey, we have a problem and we need to deal with it". I grew up watching my parents live in a loveless, cheating, bickering marriage. They are both great people...they would do anything for anyone! The only problem, they could not be there for each other. They couldn't communicate between themselves, so they argued, picked on each other over the slightest annoyances. Mom nagged and dad spent his time away. 42 years later, they are still together...hating each miserably!

I think if they actually took the time to communicate with each other, reflect back to what brought them together in the first place, and to identify the things that came between them, they would have been able to determine whether or not the marriage would work. So, for the OP, stop the continuos running away to what makes you happy. The ultimate goal is to have a happy life, not a happy moment. Take the time to deal with the issues. The right thing to do is usually the hardest thing...but when you deal with it, whatever the outcome will know that you faced it, dealt with it, and will move forward from there (with no further regrets). Do each other a solid. With having posted your question here and telling your wife the truth, I get the feeling you have some hope for this relationship. Good luck, and be true (to your wife and to yourself).

Friday, October 19, 2007, 10:48 AM

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Original Poster:

Thanks for all your comments and advice. It is greatly appreciated. This seems to be a very down to earth and caring thank you for that.

Friday, October 19, 2007, 12:58 PM

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You describe your wife as moody, negative, morbidly obese, and a newcomer to an extremely unhealthy habit (smoking) that she knows repulses you. Has anyone suggested that she get treatment for depression? In any case, here's my spin on things...I do believe people can change, but not if their situation doesn't change. Otherwise there's no reason, intrinsic or extrinsic. She sounds very complacent and uninspired to change, and it will probably take something as drastic as you leaving her (or a heart attack - which is obviously not the better option) to give her the impetus to deal with her stuff, get treatment, take charge of her health, and eventually thrive, with or without you.

Friday, October 19, 2007, 7:14 PM

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