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Blended family

Has anyone successfully started and maintained a blended family? My boyfriend and I just recently moved in together and I am not sure it is going to work because of his children. He has two daughters (5&7) that are terrors (in the nicest sense of the word). Have you been in this situation? How do you make it work?

Sun. Nov 11, 10:01am

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Your initial gut reaction is correct, it won't work. I am not old fashion by any means, but moving in and not being married only makes you a "girlfriend" with no authority and zero say about anything. As a non parent you only get to watch.
You already state that they are "terrors", so you do not have an open mind. For your sake and these children's sake do not do this.
I have been in a blended family for 10 years, and love it, but you must first have an open mind and a full commitment. This means we are a united force for love and discipline, without that it will be a life of misery. you will feel like you are competing with these children who did not choose to be in this situation.

Monday, November 12, 2007, 2:19 PM

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Thank you 2:19 for those words of wisdom and maturity.

5 and 7 are naturally feisty and deserve a guiding hand that doesn't view them as terrors

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 2:09 AM

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they may be committed, but as 2:19 pointed out, she will just be "the girlfirend" Most 5 & 7 year olds, and especially teenagers won't respect "a girlfriend" as an authority figure. And I know of no mothers that would teach their kids to respect as a parent dad's new live in gf. I'm sure there are some out there, but they're likely to be few and far between, and older and mature.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 10:13 AM

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The key to me is in the OP orginal statement of "He has two daughters (5&7) that are terrors (in the nicest sense of the word). "
She is moving in with a man who's 5 and 7 year old children she is calling terrors.
She did not ask how she could be a better parent and help these children, how she could love these children. Her only concern was for how she could live with them, not how to make their life better. Children who did not ask to be from a broken home are forced to live with someone who thinks so little of them to start with.
I hope for these childrens sake she moves on.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 1:21 PM

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Marriage is the commitment. If you arent married you are not fully committed. It maybe culturally and socially constructed, but you live in society.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 1:24 PM

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my guess is the 5 and 7 year old hate you because you are not their mother. this is ok, it's a phase and they are very young. Put yourself in their shoes and think about what those children have been put through. give it time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 1:47 PM

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5:26 you don't have to oblige to society, but they have every right not to oblige you.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 6:05 PM

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the Children are the most important thing. Once you have children you should put them and their well being first. Make sure they have security and love in their lives. Kids want and need security. My children's father has lived with many women, this gives them a horrible feeling that people are can leave at any time, they try not to ever get close to any of his "girlfriends", it is terrifing to kids to have people come and go.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 7:40 PM

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OP, perhaps you should speak to your bf? Sit him down and tell him that if you are all living together, then the children must mind you, or face punishment from him as though they had not minded a teacher or another anuthority figure. They don't have to view you as a mother, or even as a parent, but they must view you as an authority figure that merits both respect and minding.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 8:40 PM

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Op here...the kids do not mind their own father. I haven't even gotten to the point of them minding me. They yell and fight with eachother all the time. I know this is to be expected of siblings sometime. I know that it stems from them being from a broken family. My question is, how do you make it work? Does it just take time and patience? Would those who have done it recommend counseling?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 10:36 PM

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Life, parenting and relastionships are hard enough, why would you choose to go into a relationship with such obvious hurdles? If it is true that he has no control over his own children then every time you are all together will be torture. Don't do this to yourself. It will be years and years of hurt, unneeded from every angle, for everyone.
I would say blended families work for many people, but there are hurdles and things you have to get over. But this one is starting with a bad sign, he has no control over his own children.
If you choose to make this commitment, don't take it lightly. You can't just leave when things get yucky, which they will. When you step into a childs life, it should be all the way in.
Being a parent is the best and hardest thing of my life. I am here for life, there is no backing out. I think even being a step parent should be the same commitment.
Good luck, listen to your Gut, it is telling you what is right - listen the first time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007, 10:58 PM

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