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Pressure on women in their 30's...marriage and kids.
A little about me...I'm 32, have a solid career, and recently out of a 3.5 year relationship with a 33 year old man who wants to continue to party and live at home with his mother. He has no real career to speak of. He has changed jobs 4 times during our 3.5 year period together. He is about to face looking for another job very soon since the company he works for is closing down. Since I broke up with him 5 months ago, I bought my dream home. He has seen my house and was rather impressed. He has started to mention going to school (again) to try and get a career and he also finally mentioned moving out of mommy's place (not in with me though!!!!). I see much potential in him which was my reason for staying with him so long. I just got tired of waiting and feel time is running out for me.
What I want to know:
1) Is time really running out?
2) Why is my mother pressuring me to get married and have a family?
3) Is marriage and family really all that great? (My parents divorced when I was very young. I don't have much concept of family as a result.)
4) Why are so many guys my age just sitting on their can with no career and still living at home?
5) Where are all the guys I should be meeting...the real men with careers and ambition?
An equal partner would be nice for a change.
Part of the reason I'm on peertrainer to lose weight is to repair my self esteem so I will attract real men instead of the boys. I'm almost to my goal. 10-15 more lbs to go!
Any insight anyone can offer is so greatly appreciated!
Tue. Nov 20, 5:38pm
Answers to your questions:
1: No, time is not running out.
2: Your mother is pressuring you because she believes time is running out. She is wrong. More and more people are putting off marriage until their 30s- it just makes more sense when you're building your career and your life to wait.
3: Marriage is pretty nice, when you meet the right person. This Doofus you just broke up with is not the right person. He is a sponge. Marriage to the wrong person is a miserable experience you wouldn't wish on anyone. It will leave you drained emotionally and financially. The good news is, that at 32, you're far more likely not to settle because you're a lot smarter than you were 10 years ago.
4: You need to find new guys. If they're living at home at 32, you don't want them. They're gonna be looking for a new mommy, not an equal partner. What you want is a single successful guy who knows how to take care of himself. Look at his apartment or house- if he knows how to decorate, cook and do his own laundry, you've found a good one. You want someone who doesn't NEED you- you want someone who WANTS you. Big difference.
5: I met my wife online- it was a great way to screen out the ones I had nothing in common with. What I found was an equal partner who makes me happier than I've ever been.
my 2 cents, as a guy.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 5:52 PM
An equal partner would be nice for a change.
Oh yeah, an equal partner is a must. I had given up hope of such a thing existing, but met mine at 39 -- it's never too late!
And I totally, totally, totally agree with the 5:52 poster. Find someone who WANTS you, even though they don't NEED you.
On another note, congratulations on what you've lost and go for it! on the rest.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 6:08 PM
TIME IS NOT RUNNING OUT!
I married the wrong man because I thought time was running out (I was 33) I left him at 35. It was a totally heartbreaking experience, and humiliating.
Now I am 37, with a wonderful, "equal" man and pregnant. And completely happy.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 7:08 PM
I agree with everything said above, especially the part about not settling, but I also believe that marriage and kids are not necessarily the ultimate goal. I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we've lived together for a little over two of those. We don't plan on getting married, and neither of us want kids. I work in the music business and live between the hours of 10 AM-2 AM. We love each other very much and have incredible communication, our social life is also great, but we are both very busy, so taking care of two cats is enough pressure for us right now. Just because society says marriage and kids are the way to go, doesn't mean you have to agree.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 7:57 PM
I agree, 7:57, about marriage and kids not being the ultimate goal.
OP - if you want kids, then, yes, a partnership with someone (with or w/o marriage) and a family can be absolutely wonderful and such a source of joy. I never, ever thought it could be as good as what I have with my family. I often find myself thinking - my life rocks! And it's them - just being around them makes me happy. And, I'm my own person, mind you - not just a 'wife' and 'mom.' I've managed to maintain my own identity, life, friends, etc. So they don't define me, but damn do I love them! And my hubby comes from a family of great dysfunction and divorce, so you can come from it, but not repeat it.
Agree with the others, too:
It's NOT too late.
Our mother's generation were all married and had three kids before they were 30! And they weren't always equals.
Guys are sitting around in their parent's home in their 30s b/c their parents are treating them like kids so they continue to act like kids. RUN. And thank you, 5:52! There is a big difference!
Congrats on the success you've had working toward your goal! You will definitely attract a different breed of man as you project your new you to the world! And congrats for having the cajones to break up with your boyfriend! I know far too many women who settle out of fear.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 10:45 PM
Just as an FYI, I highly doubt 10-15lbs is going to keep you from meeting a quality guy.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 11:14 PM
11:14 - it's not that those pounds are keeping her from a quality guy it's about how she feels about herself and the kind of guy she attracts, and is attracted to. 10-15lbs makes a HUGE difference for me. It changes how I feel about myself, my confidence, what kind of vibe I put out there, how I interact with people. Heck, 5 pounds does that for me!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 11:21 PM
Thanks to all you nice folks who responded to my post. I feel reassured. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007, 5:10 PM
11:21- I'm sure you're the only person who notices 5lbs on you (perhaps unless you're 5' or less) so from a cognitive point of view, it's silly to let that rule your confidence. You shouldn't let a number on the scale dictate how you interact with people.
Thursday, November 22, 2007, 1:38 AM
11:21 here - I agree, I'm sure that no-one notices those five pounds, either. It's not so much a matter of how I think people see me or even being ruled by the number on the scale, it's more how I feel. I'm not tall so 5 pounds can make a big difference for me in how my clothes fit, how my body feels, etc. And when that all feels blah, I feel blah, and I'm sure I project blah.
Thursday, November 22, 2007, 4:16 AM
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