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Marriage trouble over weight issues?
I haven't seen any messages on this issue but I know there are people out there dealing with this! My husband and I are "on the brink" over a few issues, weight being the main one! He is an amazing guy and is very kind about this but it is obvious that things are not the way they were or the way we both would like! We are basically living as best freinds! We are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary and have 2 beautiful daughters! I can undertand where he is coming from and need to fix our relationship! We also have other issues of trust, money and stuff (but don't we all) and I believe that will all be worked out! Anyways if there are others like me, let's talk!
Fri. Dec 28, 7:15pm
What exactly is your question? Is your husband not attracted any more? What is he saying to you about your weight? Hurtful things?
Friday, December 28, 2007, 7:29 PM
You didn't give much info. Is he complaining about your weight issues or are you complaining about his? And what are the complaints? I assume since you say you live like roommates that sex and intimacy is also an issue?
Friday, December 28, 2007, 9:25 PM
It would also help to know how "big" you actually are as well as how he's treating you aside from the lack of sex. I'm not implying that if you're 300 lbs you deserve to be treated like a nonsexual being - not at all! - but if he's creating an issue because you're a size 14 instead of a size 6, that's a whole different dynamic.
Friday, December 28, 2007, 10:56 PM
From experience and truth, the real issues here have to deal with character and heart matters. Things will always remain the same or get worse unless our attitude changes. Meaning, be true to yourself. May love motivate you to love yourself and to work on yourself. These changes will be challenging but you can do it. Then the changes will reflect positively on your relationship with your husband. Don't give up. The weight, trust, financial disagreements are only symptoms of the root problem. Communicate to one another and take turns listening to each other. Both of you will eventually need to be willing to learn and grow in the relationship, but with a giving heart to one another.
I hope this wasn't confusing.
Saturday, December 29, 2007, 12:25 AM
in your post you say " issues of trust, money and stuff (but don't we all) "
I have been married for over 7 years and I would say NO not everyone has issues with these, trust and Money are big issues if you are fighting over that it is not normal.
Saturday, December 29, 2007, 8:11 PM
I've also been married 7 years and no marriage should have trust issues. If you have trust issues you can't really move forward in a marriage. All the issues you are having are all part of the problem it is not just about weight.
Saturday, December 29, 2007, 9:43 PM
I've been happily married for over 25 years sometimes thin some times fat. We really have been through sickness and health and richer and poorer We love each other but god more. Ther were times when we each felt uunhappy but we were commited. we forave each other and accepted each other. I am very blessed and happy. I wish you the best!
Saturday, December 29, 2007, 10:24 PM
Sorry I guess I should clear up what I meant to say! My husband does not put me down as far as my weight issues. He doesn't really say much about it but it's actions that speak louder than words. What I mean is that we just don't have that connection like we used to and I believe it is because of my weight issues. I am 31 and 5'3" and 240 lbs. If I were him I wouldn't be attracted to me so I can understand why we are not as close as we used to be. Sex and intimacy is not completely gone yet ...but it's definately not the same as it used to be! But besides that...as far as trust ,again it's my insecurities that are getting in the way! He has never cheated or anything like that but little comments and flirty behaviour with others is more what I mean. And also what I meant about the money and other issues is that they are not as much a problem as the weight issue which is where I believe all of our issues are stemming from!
I guess I just basically am saying is that I am afraid of loosing our relationship over me being overweight and am commiting myself to start fixing it! Thanks for your input everyone!
Sunday, December 30, 2007, 1:37 AM
Sounds like you are the one with the issue and that could be causing an issue between you. When I got really fat I thought I was really unattractive, I hated my own body and started dressing differently and not really caring. I also started treating my husband differently, I was less affectionate because I didn't feel good about myself. It sounds like you need to really talk to him, in fact it sounds like you are the one creating the issue you think he has with your weight. Ultimately if your not happy about how you look its going to come across to everyone you come into contact with. On the other hand if you were comfortable with how you look and felt sexy still I bet it wouldn't be an issue at all. Sounds like you should lose the weight before you end up pushing your husband completely out of the picture by creating problems that might not be there. At 5'3 and 240 that is a good 100 pounds overweight, what were you before? By asking I mean did you marry when you were heavy or did you just gain the weight while you've been married?
Sunday, December 30, 2007, 2:50 AM
like the previous poster mentioned, it sounds like YOU are the one with the issues, not neccesarily your hubby. I'd try couples counselling.
Odds are your hubby is more concerned with your attitude than your weight.
Sure, guys are visually stimulated. But sometimes, seeing "THEIR" woman naked, even if she's not society's ideal is a turn on, because it's "THEIR" woman, You know, the woman who loves them, possibly raised their children, etc. There are lots of pigs out there, but there's also a lot of good guys, and too often, we don't give them enough credit.
Sunday, December 30, 2007, 2:27 PM
I think you know what you need to do - sit down with your husband when your girls have gone to bed, let him know like a day in advance that you want to talk over some really important things (dont just spring it on him), I dont think guys like surprises like that :)
When I am acting really insecure towards my husband and I am quiet and withdrawn, my husband thinks he has done something wrong and that I am upset with him and he cant figure out what he has done so he withdraws waiting for me to let him know.
Write it down beforehand so you know what you want to discuss so if you get nervous you can refer to it and not get sidetracked. Let him know honestly how you feel. Let him know what it is that you need from him and be honest. Dont sugarcoat it.
I know my husband likes it when I get to the point and I dont use a lot of words in which to do it, it negates the impact of your words.
I understand what you are going through because I have done all that myself. Projecting your insecurity onto your husband and not giving him a chance to be there for you is really limiting your relationship. This is the stuff that enriches a marriage if you allow it.
I am 5'5" and weigh 260pds. I have been with my husband for 15years. He met me when I weighed 150pds. I have times when I am really comfortable with my body and there are other times I wonder why he is interested in me.
He loves me regardless. What he doesnt appreciate is the fact that I beat myself up so much about what a failure I think I am and all he wants me to be is happy with myself no matter what my size.
Anyway, I hope you give yourself a break and feel confident enough to tackle these problems. Please dont let them build up. Let him support you in a way that helps both of you, he just needs you to tell him how.
Let him know that with the new year it can be a new beginning of opening up communication between both of you.
I would wish you luck but I dont think you need it, just give yourself permission to be you. I hope it goes better than you expect.
Sunday, December 30, 2007, 5:53 PM
Thanks 5:53! This is the encouragement I need! As of New Years Eve I have decided that I need to change "my" attitude towards the whole deal! Like you said a new start to a new year of communicating!
We have also been together 15 years and it sounds to me like you and I are in the same stage of our relationships. Have you lost weight since talking to your husband? How long has it been since youv'e had "the talk"? I
was 150lbs when we met and gained weight when I had my first daughter. I'd say I was around 200 lbs when we were married 3 years later. It has almost always been an issue "for me" since we've been married 10 years now!
I haven't had the chance yet to have the "open & honest talk" but the last few days we both have noticed a big difference in the way we have been towards each other! I have said a few things and we've made some good comments about the future but I know I still need to have the full out discussion about the whole thing! I think once that happens he will understand me a lot more! Although I should say we are VERY open to each other and have talked about it before, I think I need to approach it with a different attitude!
WOW..I never thought this Peer Traniner would get so deep! It's Great! I hope I get to chat with you again! Are you in a group or Team? Please let me know! Thanks to everyone else for their comments as well. I really appreciate it.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008, 12:15 PM
Hi all, my husband and I have been married 12 years (together for 15). I can't pretend everything has always been rosy and perfect in my marriage. We have had money issues, trust issues (both sides), alot of stress, crazy family situations on both sides - really out of the ordinary stuff (atleast thats how it seems to us) and financial hardships. The last year or so we have been doing well, steady and going strong. We have a beautiful healthy family (3 young kids and a dog) and both have really good full tme jobs we enjoy. Our finances are on the mend - we are on track. ANYWAYS- that is the background. When we married I was 150 lbs, I'm 5'6 - that might not sound tiny or anything but that is a perfect weight for me. Over the course of 12 years I've gained 70 pounds. I can't blame it on the 3 kids because I've always lost my pregnancy weight, part of the kid issue though is having no time for myself to be a human being. I know there are many people with more kids than that who also work full time and have alot of committments who are THIN, but all of us have different issues and respond to stress in different ways. My husband does love me for sure, he loves me alot I know that, but the weight is a huge issue for him. We still have pretty good sex, but he is a person very into appearances (his mother and sisters are the plastic surgery and lipo queens) all they care about is their latest procedure, or haircuts, nails, jewelry etc.. don't get me wrong i like all that stuff too but there is more to life than all that! So that is what he was brought up with. Anyways, I've always fought disordered eating. While I was growing up I had some anorexic tendencies which were somewhat rewarded in my house by both parents (thats a story for another day LOL). I've been reading a book called "Binge No More" by Dr. Joyce Nash. I use binge eating for a coping mechanism and that is what i'm trying to stop. I've lost 23 pounds since August (no world record I know but i'm on the right track). One of the things Dr. Nash says about binge eating which relates to relationships and stress is this: "Stress is experienced when a person's resources for coping are stretched thin or exceeded. Recurrent interpersonal conflict, unmet expectations, loss, perceived personal failures, unsatisfactory relationships and disappointments are some common sources of stress. Anxiety, depression, anger, loneliness, feelings of insecurity-these emotions and more can result from stress and are at the heart of binge eating. Emotional eating servers to alter moods, much a s a drug does. Stress eating can produce dissociation, a state in which emotion is split off from reality, allowing the person to feel less overwhelmed. Eating numbs out feelings and distracts attention from problems or troubling thoughts. Eating provides the means of day to day survival. When food or eating cannot be used to cope, anxiety and tension increase. The psychological discomfort that results can get you to overeat. The stress binge is an attempt to escape painful self awareness and to deal with negative emotions, much as the use of drugs and alcohol alters consciousness and substitutes for more adaptive coping." Sorry if that was long, boring and maybe slightly off topic, but that is where I'm personally at with my weight/relationship situation!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008, 3:14 PM
I've lost 23 pounds since August (no world record I know but i'm on the right track)
23 pounds is phenomenal, don't belittle your accomplishments. 4 months and 23 pounds lost, just think how much you could lose by NEXT January if you keep on that same path! Good for you, now go pat yourself on the back!!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008, 3:49 PM
Wow 3:14...I knew there was someone out there like me! Nice to hear from you and keep up the great work! You sound like you have been though what I may be going through! I hope to hear from you more often! I'm doing great...I had a good day and have been reading the You on a Diet book by Dr. Oz! I can't put it down!
Thursday, January 03, 2008, 7:42 PM
Thanks 7:42, I'm just trying to "keep it real" LOL
I've heard the Dr. Oz book is awesome - good luck with that and everything else. If you are into your marriage for the long haul then keep hangin in there!
Thursday, January 03, 2008, 8:04 PM
My husband told me several months ago that my weight was an issue. He said it in the nicest way, but it still hurt. Recently we have seperated because of other issues. It took us seperating to realize how serious the weight issue had become. I didnt feel like I was getting what I needed from him emotionally and that caused us to always be fighting to the point I left. Because our marriage is so important to us we are trying to work it out. We had a heartfelt talk last night and when I told him it hurt me that he wasnt attractive to me he corrected me and told me that he is very attractive to me in every way except physical. I was very comfortable knowing he loved me, but sometimes it takes hearing what you dont want to hear to motivate you. I know for me his words are painful, but mostly because I know they are true. Needless to say I have an appointment with a personal trainer this coming week.
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