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Found husbands porn-what should I do? (possible offensive thread)

OK. Because this forum allows me to post this annonymously, I feel the need to ask for feedback (please be kind) on a problem I have:

I have two teenagers, one of whom is a 14 year old girl. When she was first born my husband had gotten up with my toddler son before I did one morning. When I got up later and walked into the kitchen, my son was in his highchair eating breakfast facing away from the kitchen. My husband was about 5-6 feet away in the kitchen with his pants around his ankles "pleasuring himself"to the Sears catalog (women's section). This REALLY freaked me out and sent me into therapy. The therapist advised that it would be better for my kids to stay married at the time so I could keep an eye on them and know just what was going on in their environment. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse so I have strong feelings about the issue to begin with.
Fast forward to the present: Because of this history and incident years ago, I still keep very careful tabs on my kids and think I have innoculated them against sexual abuse and made them aware of what is ok and what is not.
I still however, feel the need to keep tabs on what my husband does and while he insists on keeping "skin magazines" (Playboy) I have insisted that he lock them away so our kids won't ever come across them. Call it a sixth sense, but I occasionally look in his briefcase (where he keeps them---he doesn't use it very often for business) to which I know the combination to (he doesn't know I know the number). Last night I found the usual Playboy and along with it a Hustler magazine. It is VERY graphic and is actually pornographic. There are ads for "barely legal" porn of young girls (supposedly over 18), "Hot teens", even ads for transsexual porn and gay men porn ("I like boys" one of them advertises). It made me sick to my stomach to see this. I am not a prude, but considering my fears about him for the past decade and a half all those old fears are coming back to make me feel paranoid again.
He is in his mid 40's, everyone who knows him thinks he is a nice guy. While he treats his own kids and myself differently when we are alone, everyone who sees him in public thinks he is the best father. He does ok as a dad but more and more lately he is giving me the creeps. Especially now since I found this porn last night.
We don't have sex (haven't for a LONG time) so maybe this is his way of "taking care" of his needs. And I don't know that he is actually interested in the teen porn or gay or transsexual porn advertised. I know many men watch and read this kind of filth but it just creeps me out to think someone who has contact with my kids is interested in this garbage.
This long path to my original question is: SHOULD I be concerned about this find or just chalk it up to a smarmy middle aged man who is afraid he's losing his "mojo"? Should I head for the hills even though there is no proof what so ever that he is a child molester or gay or...? I should say that I am in no position to support myself or my kids at this time. If there WAS proof of bad intentions on his part, the lack of self-financial support wouldn't matter--I would leave immediately and take the kids to safety---so don't worry that I am some "dumb" broad who would leave my kids in danger.

Please be kind in your repsonses. I really need some advice, not get beaten up over this.
j.


Fri. Aug 18, 9:57pm

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I feel sorry for your husband

I did not read anything in your post that suggests your husband has any kind of problem or dysfunction or is a child molester. You seem very paranoid and non-sexual. Those magazines are not unhealthy in the context you described. Why aren't you having sex with your husband? Maybe if you were more sexually open with him and viewed the magazines with him, you would have a better relationship and you would not be sneaking around in his briefcase. Give him a break and give it up or let him go. Why would you both be staying in a loveless, sexless marriage????

Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:23 PM

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God, give her a break. She's asking for help. To sit there and attack the OP is disgusting and you are obviously having your own issues. I wish you could be banned.

OP, I don't know. I'm still reading through your post and don't know how to respond yet.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:30 PM

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Did your therapist also tell you that YOU were the one that needed help??? If she thought what your husband did was wrong, evil or unhealthy, should would have told you to leave for the sake of the children -- but the therapist knew that he didn't do anything wrong. That it was YOUR hangups that brought you into therapy. I really think you need to get more therapy for the sexual abuse in your childhood because you are letting it interfere with your life, your hubsands and your children. Hanging onto something so silly for 14 years is just ridiculous. Your daughter was a baby and would have absolutely no recollection of the "incident" as you call it. Your husband was looking at a magazine, not at your child. I'm sorry to be so rough on you -- but really -- get more therapy so you can live the rest of your life being happy and free from your childhood -- get to a place where you can ENJOY sex.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:33 PM

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WTF??? I've never seen this in the PT community. Maybe we have to have usernames. The OP ASKED for help, not criticism. OP, please please please ignore this poor excuse for a response.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:36 PM

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10:30 Poster

She asked for advice and that is what I am giving her. She put her question out there so I am going to respond to it -- I'm sorry -- but I do REALLY feel sorry for her husband. I am not attacking her. But she is clearly attacking her husband by saying he might be a child molester. That is a terrible accusation to say just because someone looks at Playboy magazine and masturbates - that is a normal part of life and sexuality. I just think she should seek therapy before she destroys her life and hurts those that are close to her.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:38 PM

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OP,
I also wanted to point out that your husband was looking at the MAGAZINE and NOT your son, please remember that.
However, i would be freaked if i saw my husband doing that in the same room as our kids and we would have had a long discussion as to WHY he chose to "relive" himself there, in our sons presence, regardless of wheather he would remeber it or not.
Also, porn and dirty mags are normal.
I do feel, however that you may be hypersensitive toward any sexual gratification......Do you pleasure yourself? Or do you think its "dirty"? I also feel that more therapy might help you get over this and you can teach your kids that sex is nothing to be ashamed of.
Good luck OP.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:41 PM

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OP, again, this responder obviously has their OWN issues. THe attack is not about you, but about the responder. I commend you for having the courage to speak out and please wait for some responses that have you in mind and that help you, vs. someone's own vicious rant.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:47 PM

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You asked for advice....but didn't really want it

To the OP - which poster are your responding to - time of their post?

Listen, I am sorry if I came across as harsh. I just really felt sorry for your husband as you were accusing him of something so terrible and there is no sex in the marriage. I am really giving you GOOD advice by telling you to seek additional therapy. I notice that you did not respond to any of the questions asked of you so the other posters can give you further info based on your specific circumstance. If you want someone just to "side" with you and you do not want to listen to all points of view and honest opinions than you should not have asked the question.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:53 PM

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Purely objectively, I have to say, having porn magazines like that is very, very typical and not abnormal in any way. Your husband is not weird or a sexual deviant. I'm only saying this to make you feel a little better. It absolutely in no way gives any indication that he is a molester or gay or anything like that. (In other words, don't judge his desires by the ads - if he was a deviant he'd be reading those kinds of magazines, not typical, heterosexual, adult ones like Playboy and Hustler.) It means he is a normal male with a normal sex drive. So don't worry about your kids.

You said yourself, you have much deeper issues. I would strongly urge you to go into counseling. It can only help you work through your own issues and perhaps start to mend things in your marriage - or help you find the strength to leave, if that's what's best for the two of you and your kids.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 11:06 PM

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okay, a lot of things going on here. I would also be weirded out if my husband was masurbating in the same room as our child. However, as someone else pointed out, he was using a magazine, and not looking at your child at the time. His indescretion is more just really poor parenting skills than anything. it sounds from your post that you have talked about this and he hopefully knows better than to take care of business when the children are around. If he doesn't then you DO have a problem on your hands. sure, hustler and some of the other magazines are pretty trashy, they all have the "i'm just 18" ads, and the tranny, and other stuff. Just because these magazines are distasteful to you, does not mean your husband is a pervert or in anyway endangering you or your children. Many men, and many women for that matter use pornographic materials and it's completely normal.

What is abnormal is looking for nude pictures of children on the web, or putting you or your children in uncomfortable or dangerous situations.

You say you and your husband have not had sex in a long time. From your post, it doesn't sound as if he's a sexual deviant, so much as that you two have other problems in your marriage. Do you love him? Do you respect him? and vice versa? Is he a good father to your children? If you don't love him anymore, when did it stop? how long has this been going on? Aside from the magazines, and the past incident w/ the sears catalogue, has you husband done or said anything sexual that crossed boundaries for you or your children? If he hasn't, this is not about sex, or sexual predators.

The bottom line is: Porn magazines are completely normal to have, regardless of how anyone feels about them. If you are worried about your husband, your marriage, and your children-do what you have to. Go to counseling together if you want to save your marriage. If it's not worth it, if you are done with this situation-and only you know if you are, then go see a lawyer. If you are unhappy and worry for your children's safety, that is what you need to worry about. It just sounds like there is more going on with your marriage than you are telling us. Your post sounds more like your marriage is just unhappy.

Good luck-i really hope everything works out for your family.

Friday, August 18, 2006, 11:31 PM

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